he tells me about the women who

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2009
he tells me about the women who
9
Fri, 04-23-2010 - 1:02am

My bf and I are both older, in our 30's.(we're not teenagers) We live quite a distance from each other and see each other for 1 wk out of each month.

Every now and then, he'll tell me how a woman bought him a drink at a bar and that he doesn't want me to get upset about it (when I do he swears it didnt mean anything, he promises he'd never cheat, etc....He uses the word "trust".
His ex txt him every now and then and I believe he tells me about it each time, but he responds to her (and it bugs me and he knows it)because he says "she'll just keep txting until I do". he says he rarely sees, hears from her....then the word "trust" comes out again. "we have to trust each other" are his usual exact words.

I'm not sure what this is about. what do you think? I've only known him for less than 6 months but we are pretty serious in this relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2010
Fri, 04-23-2010 - 4:38am

Not knowing him, I can't say his motives, but it seems strange to me that he feels the need to keep telling you about these things if they're "nothing" and he knows you'll get upset. Maybe he either enjoys the attention or is letting you know in a roundabout way that he's keeping his options open or maybe he's just kind of dense... Also an ex will stop texting if you stop answering, not the other way around. Have you asked him why he tells you these things or have you asked him to tell you these things?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Fri, 04-23-2010 - 7:39am

This post is quite opposite of what we usually hear around here.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Fri, 04-23-2010 - 7:42am

Not sure how 'serious' a relationship this is, being under 6 months and only seeing each other once a week.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Fri, 04-23-2010 - 9:11am

Why is he accepting drinks from other women? I'm taken, and if a man were to offer to buy me a drink I'd politely decline so as not to send the wrong message.

I like to give a man the benefit of the doubt, but I REALLY don't like it when men attempt to manipulate women by coercing them into blindly trusting. It is done to make you believe that YOU are the one with the problem if you don't trust him, regardless of whether or not he deserves it. You've known this guy less than half a year, you haven't collected enough data yet for complete trust to be a really solid gut decision.

It would be against your better judgment and instinct to get much more involved with him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2009
Fri, 04-23-2010 - 9:28am

I've asked to stop responding to the txts from his ex and she'll eventually stop, but he txts anyway, but at least it's along the lines of, I'm busy, or leave me alone etc. he shows me the txts and he shows me how he responds.

I guess I'd rather have him tell me if a woman buys him a drink, I told him it bugs me, he knows it upsets me....he says he's just being honest and not hiding anything from me...and he knows he'd be upset if the shoe was on the other foot.. ..he still accepts drinks.

I just don't know what he's thinking. I just haven't known him long enough to have 100% trust yet. I'd say I trust him 95%.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2006
Fri, 04-23-2010 - 11:35am

I can see a couple of possibilities:

1) He wants to make sure you know what a "catch" he is by letting you know how "in demand" he is by other women. (ego/insecurity)

2) He screwed up a former relationship by lying or cheating & is over-compensating with TMI. (guilt)

3) He is accustomed to being submissive to women and feels compelled to "prove" himself to you while not having the kahunas to say no to his ex or other women.

4) He's giving you an "edited" version, leaving out the less damning details of his encounters with other women.

Of course, it could be that he is just trying to be honorable and informative, but I can't say that I believe that. Look, I am a bartender and I can tell you that while it's not uncommon for women to buy drinks for men, I have yet to see it happen without there being some interaction between them that gives the woman a feeling of mutual interest & "expectation". The fact that he claims this has happened more than once indicates to me that he is, at the very least, allowing himself to appear "available".

As far as the ex is concerned, it's up to you...are you willing to stay in the relationship knowing that--for whatever reason--he is unwilling/unable to stop communicating with his ex even though he knows that it makes you uncomfortable?

Also, I am a bit put off by his insistence that you MUST trust him. As I see it, trust is earned not demanded. I would be very curious about why he is so eager to convince you of his "trustworthy-ness". Does HE have issues with trusting others & is therefore assuming that you do(projection) or does he feel that his own actions could be CONSTRUED as untrustworthy?

Look, you are seeing the red flags or you wouldn't have come here to ask for input. Trust your gut.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2009
Sat, 04-24-2010 - 1:08am

I really believe # 1 and #3 are real possibilities, and maybe 2 and 4, tho I'd rather not believe it.

I think he has trust issues.
He did tell me that his last 2 girlfriends (who lived with him) cheated on him...(this has been confirmed)...and he does seek reassurance from me about me being with only him and noone else. So this would explain it somewhat.

but, yeah, I completely agree with women buying him drinks, they expect/are given the impression he is available...
maybe he wants to see me jealous...as a confirmation that I want him and don't want anyone else too??

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2006
Sun, 04-25-2010 - 12:55pm

I'm not sure why guys do this but I'm always totally amused by the behavior.

Here's why, I'm attractive yet I usually date kind of nerdy guys (I love intelligent men and the somewhat nerdy ones are also usually awesome boyfriends). Anyway, I get hit on and have drinks bought for me quite often. I also have some annoying very good looking guy friends, or even a few exs that send me lame texts from time to time. I never feel the need to brag about it unless provoked.

For example if the guy I'm dating mentions an ex who texts him I usually reply with, "Oh, I get texts from my exes too. It's so annoying!" Of if the guy I'm dating mentions being hit on at a bar I'll mention "Ya babe, I hate when that happens. Talking to a hot, brainless guy is such a waste of time". The guy I'm dating usually stops with the nonsense 'other women' comments after my replies.

I'm still not sure why they behave this way in the first place. I think they might be insecure and trying to prove they have status, or something lame. Who freaken knows!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2009
Sun, 04-25-2010 - 1:49pm

Maybe he's trying to show you that he's desirable to other women and 'in demand', so to speak?

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