help me decode!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2007
help me decode!!
32
Tue, 09-14-2010 - 12:50pm

Hi there!



Long story so I'll try to keep it as short as possible!



My ex and I broke up back in April.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2010
Tue, 09-14-2010 - 1:08pm

Teacher, what are you hoping to hear here?






Edited 10/2/2010 10:07 pm ET by darling.carly
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2006
Tue, 09-14-2010 - 1:45pm

Sure you love him, and miss him, but you'll get over him in time. He's cheating on the woman he left you for with you. That doesn't say alot about him. Ok, so he breaks up with her and comes back to you, because he knows you'll take him back. He's changed, blah blah blah.... Next thing you know he's now cheating on you. It's a viscious circle.



He does all this to you after being together for 5 years! How old are you? He's just using you for the sex. Who knows, maybe the current gf isn't as good as you, but he knows you'll give it to him, so why should he leave her. He's got it made.




dscf4525_border.jpg picture by nhgal2006



"Friendship isn't about whom you have known the longest,
It's about those who came and never left your side ...."
Unknown



28999825.jpg picture by nhgal2006

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2005
Tue, 09-14-2010 - 1:55pm

There's nothing to decode. Your ex is having his cake and eating it too, and you're being a willing participant in his deceptions. Snap out of it. Why would you want him back given how he's treated you? In what ways shape or form has he shown himself to be an honorable person?

Until you learn to expect and demand that others treat you with a basic level of respect (and the way your ex is treating you is the opposite of respectful), you will not be able to have a healthy relationship. It's cliche but it's true. You can't find love with another person until you learn to love yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2007
Tue, 09-14-2010 - 2:15pm

well i'm 35 and he's younger than me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2005
Tue, 09-14-2010 - 2:40pm

I wasn't meaning to judge you, just trying to lay it out and tell you how things looked from my point of view. I've done lots of foolish things that I wish I could erase, and often it's in the wake of a breakup that people are their most foolish. I think it's because our emotions are raw and the relationship that ended was meaningful and maybe had promise for a time. You invested real time and emotions in it and I'm sure there were moments when he was wonderful, and that is what you're clinging to. By the way, 35 is not old, nor is it ever too late to find true love. And even if it were, would it really be worth settling with someone who mistreated you terribly in the past, has a history of lying, and would very likely do it again?

My guess is that you're still feeling attached to your ex because you continue to sleep with him and perhaps you're lonely. And because you're in this very vulnerable place, you are willing to accept quite a bit of mistreatment, or are trying to rationalize it. And you know, if you asked him to come back to you and he did, your rekindled relationship would be getting started on very shaky ground. He would be reentering with all the power and you'd have none. He would have little reason to respect you because of how you allowed yourself to be treated. It just wouldn't be good and I can't for a second believe that this is what would make you happy.

I think it's also pretty clear that you're in denial. He is with another woman and I think your not wanting to hear about it stems from your wish to perpetuate this fiction that he's a great guy who loves you and will come back to you.

I believe that sooner or later the other shoe will drop. Either he will suddenly cut things off with you because he's ready to get serious about this other woman, or he'll just have lost interest in you because he's gotten what he wanted. The less likely scenario will be that he comes back to you, but it will be a relationship built on very unhealthy foundations.

As a woman who wants to support other women to be strong and to take power, my advice would be to do what is probably the hardest thing. That is, take control of the situation and end this. Stop seeing him and work on yourself. The sooner you do, the sooner you move on. He's not the only fish in the sea, but it seems that way because you're allowing yourself to get sucked in. If you don't take control of the situation, then he'll always have the upper hand and may keep you on a leash for who knows how long?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2007
Tue, 09-14-2010 - 3:05pm

thanks!



i know you're not trying to judge.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2006
Tue, 09-14-2010 - 3:22pm

You are not old. Age is just a number. It's all in how you act and present yourself. Find someone that is better for you.



Sure it hurts, but you'll get over him. He's nothing. Each time you think about him, think of all the pain he has caused you. He asks you all these personal questions about your life and what's going on because it sounds like he wants to control you. Almost like he doesn't want anyone else to be in a relationship with you. Next time he gets in touch with you, tell him it's over and to please not call you again. That it's time for you to move on with your life, just as he has.



28999825.jpg picture by nhgal2006

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2005
Tue, 09-14-2010 - 4:16pm
It's all understandable, but trust me, the best "revenge" you can exact, even better than seeing him hurt, is to not care what he does. So how do you get yourself on that path? First make peace with the relationship--what it was, the good and the bad, and why it ended, and the fact that it's over. Then cut him out of your life. Take it day by day because it won't be easy, and give yourself a little reward for each day you resist contacting him. Keep yourself busy by finding a new hobby, reconnecting with old friends, or getting back in the dating pool. Rearrange your house, take a vacation, get a new haircut, do things that materialize the fact that you're turning a new leaf. With time, it will get easier and you'll think of him less and less (or thinking about him won't be as painful). But you have to start somewhere and really commit yourself to moving on and reaching a place where you just don't care about him anymore.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Wed, 09-15-2010 - 12:38am
Here's what I see. He has a new GF, BUT he's not sure that things are going to work out with her, so he stringing you along just in case they don't. You are now his back up woman in case things don't work out with her. So right now he wants to hold on to BOTH of you until he decides what he wants. He is really USING both of you now. And he is obsessivley worrying that you are going to find another BF and not be there if things don't work out with her. And that is why he is always giving you 50 questions as to what and who you are doing things with.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2007
Wed, 09-15-2010 - 2:55am

You are sounding very bitter towards someone you supposedly love....



Firstly - I personally don’t see why anyone would even want him given he lies, cheats and doesn’t respect the women he is with....Once a cheater/liar, most probably, always a cheater/liar.
Secondly – The reason I think you want him to suffer and feel alone is because you think that his ticket back to you....



You are trying to mend broken glass – which is far impossible....



No matter what your age is – do you think you are worth settling for?



a)

Photobucket

Pages