Help Me Understand!

Avatar for rmoore_00
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Help Me Understand!
3
Fri, 09-19-2003 - 4:22pm
This is the first time I have ever posted to this board but I need help!

I met this guy online about a month ago. We chatted online and really hit it off. He asked for my phone number so I gave it to him. He called and we talked everyday. He lives in SC and I live in GA. He would always call out of the blue just to chat. Well we talked on the phone and online for about a couple of weeks and then he invited me up to SC to met him. I went up there one Friday afternoon and stayed the weekend. We hit it off great. So then the next week we were talking on IM and he asked me to come up for that weekend which was Labor Day weekend. So I went and again we had a great time. Then that week after Labor DAy he started acting distant but it was just because he was really busy with his job and everything. I was kind of worried that something was different between us. Well that Friday I lost my job and I called him and told him. He was very supportive and everything. He left a message on my voice mail checking to see how I was and everything over that weekend. I called him when I got home Sunday and he sounded very happy to hear from me and everything. I really wanted to see him again so I asked him about the following weekend which is now this past weekend. He said that that would be great for me to come up. I told him that I would come up Friday and then he says maybe you could come up Wendsday instead and stay a little longer since you are not working. I old him that sounded good. I then talked to him the next night and he wanted me to come up after I got out of class. I told him that I would come Wed. instead. So I go up there and everything is great the whole time. I came home Tuesday morning. I thought we really bonded and stuff a few days I was there. Well since then I have talked to him twice this week and he has not returned any of my calls. I left him a message yesterday and he never called. This morning he Imed me and told me that he got it but has been extremely busy this week. He tells me to call him and I did and he was busy but to call him back. I did that and got his voice mail and left a message.Well so far he still has not called and he normally gets off of work early of Fridays. I don't know what is going on or how things changed all of the sudden. I don't get it. He really seems distant now. I don't know what to do. Does anyone have anyy insight to why he is acting like this or am I just crazy?

Thanks for reading this because I know it is long! I appreicate any advice!


Rachael

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-19-2003 - 5:37pm
It sounds like you did most of or at least half of the pursuing and while he was fine with that - happy to see you - he is not into you enough to make the effort to pursue and got used to you doing all the work. I bet if you called him and asked him out again he'd say yes but you'll be waiting a long time for him to lift a finger - he likes that you're so available but is not motivated to pursue you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Fri, 09-19-2003 - 7:22pm
QUESTION: Why do you always have to go TO HIM? Why does he not ever make an effort to come visit you?? If you are making trips to see him, you are pursuing him. He is not pursuing you. My insight into this is, if he wants to see you again, tell him that he will need to come to where you live to visit you.

The dynamics of your involvement with this man were - you were always going to him. He did not have to do any *work*. You were doing all the work. For the most part, that is not even fair to you. But also, it gave him a subtle feeling that you would chase after him if you had to. I'm not saying that you were chasing him, but men can *feel*, deep down inside, that a woman is chasing them, if she is doing all the work in the relationship.

My advice now is don't call him, email him, or IM him at ALL. If he wants to see you - he must COME AFTER YOU.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-19-2003 - 7:43pm
Title: Let me see if I understand this correctly...

...you are freaking out because he hasn't called you this week. Not because you haven't SPOKEN to him this week...not because he hasn't called you in a week (seven days)...or some more extended period of time. You are freaking out because HE hasn't called YOU this week.

Maybe after a month of desperation and clinginess on both your parts he just decided to crank things down a bit...

Gawd, you were just there TUESDAY...as in three days ago, after spending a week together (Wednesday until the following Tuesday). And you admit you have talked to him TWICE since you left his place (3 days...two conversations). All this despite his having told you he has been "really busy" this week. How does this translate into "really distant"???

GoGo....who feels really sorry for this guy....but then again, with internet hook ups...buyer beware.