Help me understand

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2011
Help me understand
7
Tue, 11-20-2012 - 10:30am

So, I've been casually seeing this guy for over a year. We started out hot and heavy then broke down to barely talking. Then one night he asked me out again and we started talking more. But weeks and sometimes months would pass without any contact other than a good morning text here and there. But lately for the last 2 months its been pretty steady. We really have gotten to know each other now although we haven't met Parents we have met each others closest friends. He lives alone and has people over a lot so he always tells me to invite my friends over when his friends are there. Lately I've been over there quite a bit around his friends that they call me his girlfriend and he doesn't say anything. One invited us over for thanksgiving to come as a couple. He always sits by me and holds my hand or has his hand on my back or leg. He always asks if I'm having fun and he never does anything without making sure I'm ok with it. He told me he had feelings for me and once he hugged me and said "you know I love you girl".  He's 10 years older than me in his early 40's and has been married twice and says he's not sure he can trust again. But we spend every chance we get together and hates when I leave. he says he's not seeing anyone else but he won't commit to a relationship. He compliments me a lot and says I do things for him that no other female has ever done. he also does things for me that I would expect only a boyfriend to do. He calls me pet names in front of our friends like dear, darlin, and doll. But I don't want to put my heart out there to be hurt. he said he never wants to hurt me. But where can this go if he don't commit? I don't want to be stuck in limbo with him forever but Im not interested in seeing someone else. Or could he need more time to decide?



iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 11-20-2012 - 10:50am

This seems to be a problem that many women face.  The guy says that he doesn't want a relationship, the woman does want a relationship and keeps going along, hoping that things will change, but it doesn't, then she gets mad and the guy says "why are you mad at me?  I told you I didn't want a relationship."  Considering that you're in your 30's, do you want to get married & have kids?  then I'd say don't waste any more time with him because all the time you're spending with him means that you won't be available to find a guy who wants the same things as you.  Now I'm in my 50's & divorced 2x and I can kind of understand your guy's reluctance.  I would be ok w/ a relationship but I doubt I would ever want to get married again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2011
Tue, 11-20-2012 - 11:54am
Yes I'm in my 30's divorced with 3 kids. I can't have more so that's not an issue. He also has 3 and doesn't want anymore. But I would like to find someone that wants what I want. That's why I posted this. I'm not sure about marriage but I would live to be in a happy committed relationship again. And he is keeping me from finding that. I just don't know that I have it in me to give him up.
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Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Tue, 11-20-2012 - 1:23pm

  What is a "happy committed relationship"?  Define that and what it means to you.  Most people who have been punished by our cruel laws don't want to go thru that again.  Only you can define happiness for you. 

    

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2012
Tue, 11-20-2012 - 4:02pm

If you can't have any more children and marriage or lack of it isn't a deal breaker, what exactly is it that you're looking for here and not getting? You've been dating casually, on and off for a year. It seems like in the past two months, you've made progress toward something more meaningful and serious but it's really only been something like a relationship for those two months, right? If that's the case, then how much more serious do you expect it to be at this point? I think the only way to resolve this is to discuss it with him. You're two mature adults who have had serious relationships in the past and he's reluctant to embark on another. But, what exactly is "serious"? Maybe you need confirmation from him that you're exclusive. Great, so tell him that. Or consider the fact that you two have only been dipping your feet in the relationship pool for 2 months and maybe, given a little more time, he'll actually approach you about it. Your description of his behavior toward you is a pretty clear indication that he really enjoys you and your time together so I don't think you should push the issue at this point. Give him the time and space he needs and if he feels you're genuinely enjoying the journey with him, everything will fall into place : )

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2011
Wed, 11-21-2012 - 2:00am
I guess I'm just worried about being stuck as just a little more than a friend to him. I want a relationship. I want to spend the holidays together with our families. I want to take our kids out together. Our kids are all around the same age. But I don't push him or nag him about it. He knows what I want so I just leave it at that for now. My friends used to tell me to give him up but after they spent time around both of us they tell me to stick with him and see what happens down the road. I'm just torn with my emotions.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2012
Wed, 11-21-2012 - 10:00am

Maybe at this point in his life he's decided that friendship is a strong foundation for a future relationship. You said he's had two failed marriages so he could just be trying to approach things differently this time. At any rate, why not give it another month or so? If by then you guys haven't made any progress, I encourage you to move on - his indecision is not a good reason to stall your own life. In the mean time, just have fun with him!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2012
Tue, 01-01-2013 - 4:34am

If he treats you right, as if you were in a relationship, then who cares what "official label" is assigned to both of you as a pair? If he is divorced and does not want to marry again, one can only conclude that the next logical step to a relationship is either marriage or the end of the relationship. He is stuck in the middle of the road, obviously not wanting to take either path. Maybe he just needs a bit of time. Again, as long as he treats you properly, that counts more than official labels.