Hes back....

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2008
Hes back....
Sun, 08-04-2013 - 3:05pm

Hi I wrote on this board a couple of months back "He wants to take a step back" I got a lot of thoughtful and great suggestions and thanks to all who responded. Well after several weeks of no contact, he texted me and ask me to go to dinner and a movie with him. I still am very much in love with him so I saw this as an answered prayer and went. It was wonderful like we never even were apart, he was so attentive, we had so much fun. I didnt bring any relationship stufff up, and neither did he. We just had a great time, and no we didnt get intimate, he gave me a kiss goodnight just like he did on out first date last June. So since then we have had a couple more dates, and still no talk from him about where any of this is going, I have not asked Im just enjoying the times together and  have no expectations .  Im not going to pressure him, I figure if he wants to see me he wil contact me and if Im busy  he makes other arrangements, Im not waiting around for him Im living my life one day at a time. Anyway I guess what I need help with is I just want to be with him so much more, I just know in my heart that he is what I want and need, I know that I am settling because its not the relationship I want, but I cant seem to get him out of my head, and if hes come back is he trying to give us another try or am I just an option when he has nothing better to do?  He truely is a good man, he broke up with me because he felt like he was "using me" he knew that I had feelings for him and he didnt feel the same, for me, so I really dont think hes using me now....His mom and I talk she tells me hes not dating or seeing anyone else..hes been really busy with school and work, He told me back when he broke up with me he didnt see himself in a relationship for a long time that he wanted to work on himself and figure out what makes him happy, figure out who he is etc...So I guess Im still just so torn as to wether to see if he has changed his mind and see where this goes,?? and in the meantime just continue as I have been doing my own thing, dating other people and continue to see him .....at least until I find someone else that I might want to pursue a relationship with??  Im so confused can you tell??  lol Its just really hard to give up on a good man/good heart/ we get along so well and have wonderful chemistry  its all so hard to find....anyone else that has gone thru something like this please respond....any help suggestions would be great Thankyou! . 

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
In reply to: mas41
Mon, 08-05-2013 - 3:12pm

You dated him for a year, and he broke up with you saying he didn't want to use you because he knew you had feelings for him--but that he didn't have the same feelings for you. You say that you are very much in love with him, that you want to see him even more, and that you can't get him out of your head.

And now he's back but you're afraid to discuss what happened and what his intensions are. If he's really such a good man with a good heart, then I think you should be able to talk about this with him. In my experience, when people say they  need to take a step back and find themselves, what they are really saying is either 1) I've met someone else 2) I don't love you or 3) 1 and 2. 

I'm not sure you would be able to date anyone else while you're seeing him--you have pretty strong feelings for him. 

It sounds like you're walking on eggshells around him. What about your needs? I say it's time for him to fish or cut bait. You needn't be angry with him--just have an honest talk with him. There's no point in wasting another year only to have him need to go "find" himself again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
In reply to: mas41
Tue, 08-06-2013 - 8:44am


What Florida52 said. Agree, totally.

My only suggestion is to follow the saying that goes: 'the only way to get over one man is get under another'. Crude, but true.Wink Mind you, the 'another' in quesiton has go to be 10 out of 10. You'd have to fancy/like/want him like mad, and he'd obviously have to reciprocate.  It can't be just anyone.

Believe me..it works. You can spend months or even years reading self-help books and 'healing' and 'being good to yourself' but honestly..imho, all of this is just nonsense. To get over man -related heartache, you lay low for a short while, then get up, dust yourself down and keep going.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
In reply to: mas41
Tue, 08-06-2013 - 9:55am

When you're afraid to ask questions, then yes, it means that the relationship is on very rocky ground. If he has such a good heart, doesn't he know how much you like him and that if he only wants sex, that he will be totally hurting you? Since he knows your feelings, if he had a good heart and wanted a long term relationship with you, he would've said, "I'm now ready to give this relationship my all." With that, he would've reassured you and explained what he now wanted. You're seeing good things in him that are an illusion. People who are a challenge are very appealing. Unfortunately, wanting what you can't have only benefits him, because he gets the sex part without putting in a daily effort that a long term relationship needs.

You have to look out for your best interests, because nobody else can do that for you. You have to love yourself more than you love him. You owe that to yourself. Have the talk with him, no matter how much it embarasses you or makes you uncomfortable. Tell him that you're looking for a long term relationship and aren't intersted in a short term one. If he tells you he doesn't know what he wants, or anything other than being exclusive and trying to build a beautiful life with you, it's time to move on.

There will be another man in your future who you have extreme chemistry with and he feels as crazy about you as you do him. The secret is to keeping cutting the "Mr. Wrongs" loose as quickly as you see they are not who you are looking for. I've made the same mistakes as you. I stayed too long with men who didn't make me their priority, but eventually we went our separate ways. This freed me to eventually find my future husband, who absolutely makes me feel special everday and now I'm a content person without the daily frustrations of an unsatisfactory relationship. You can do this to if you set your mind to it. Good luck!