He's got me so confused!

Avatar for cajunharmony
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2001
He's got me so confused!
4
Thu, 04-04-2013 - 9:55am

Good morning, all.  The situation I'm in has got me going around in circles, because the guy involved is sending incredibly mixed messages and I'm ready to confront, and therefore taking a chance on completely blowing it.   

 Here's the backstory:Guy and I met back in the 70's (Yes, we're both in our mid-fifties.)  We dated until I went away to college in '75. and we didn't see each other for a few years.  Then I married and so did he, other people.  He and his wife came to spend time with me and my husband.  My marriage ended and I moved home.  He stayed married, but would come to see me, alone, and yes, we had sex.  I met second husband and we moved far away.  No contact for several years.  Occasional visits by phone.  Then third husband, bad news bear (domestic violence), and I moved back to home state.  Contacted him that I was back and BAM, within three days, he was there to see me.  It was comfy and safe, he wasn't interested in a relationship and I wasn't either.  Okay, good FWB situation, working for both of us just fine.  Then 9/11 happened and I moved back to another state to be nearer to family who could help me raise my dd.  FF a few years, occasional contact, but three states separate us.  In 2007 I moved back to my homestate and went back to school.  Knew where he was, but also knew he was involved, so didn't contact him when I moved back. 

 This past July, I contacted him to let him know I was back in state, even though I've actually been back since 2007.  Less than 24 hrs. later he was on his way to see me.  First couple of times, no sex.  Then, on 3rd visit w/i 4 weeks, we were able to find the time and privacy to go to bed.  It was like we had never been apart.  We've both gone through a lot of changes, including me having a child who is now 14.  WE've both also gained weight and he's not as "able" as he used to be.  He's made it very clear that what we have is a FWB relationship, and for a while, that was perfectly fine with me. 

However, these last few months he's been sending VERY mixed messages, almost like he wants to have a relationship, but is too chicken-sh** to admit it because it doesn't "fit" his image of himself!  He's a biker (lone rider, unaffiliated).  He has taken me for rides, but has told me that he's uncomfortable doing it because I'm a woman of size right now and he feels it's a safety issue. Okay, I can accept that, he's not a big guy either and I ride, so I know what he's talking about.  I'm also in the process of losing a LOT of weight (27 lbs. so far, about 40 to go, and I was working on this prior to him re-entering my life) .  He talks all the time about the future and from what he states, I'm a part of it.  Gave me freakin' DIAMONDS for Christmas (a gorgeous little necklace), has talked about buying a house on the river and setting me up in it.  When I had my dd, I had some major complications (amniotic fluid embolus and acute respiratory distress) that left me needing things stated really simply sometimes.   I need to know where this is going or if I need to tell him to "man-up" and decide which way he wants to go so that I can decide which way I'm going to go.  I would love to be in a committed relationship with him,  but have some reservations (He cheated on his wife - with ME!)  Part of me just wants to put it out there and see what happens, is he just waiting for me to call his bluff, admit I want committment myself (because up until now, I haven't) or what???  If he can't handle it and that's the end of it, that's fine.  But I'm wanting to move from a FWB situation to more, and I think he is too, but we've both been through some junk and are both a tad committment-phobic.  Have I given y'all enough info to work with?  Sorry it's so long.   This past weekend he was here for the whole weekend.  We had a place to be together, but he wasn't responsive to it, UNTIL we got back to my home, where Mom and DD are in bed asleep.  THEN he gets all ready to go and I just kissed him g'night, told him I couldn't relax and enjoy it with mother & dd in the house.  No problem, kissed him goodnight and went to bed, in my own bed, alone.  Yes, I was pissed off, and I think he could tell because he kept asking me if I was.  I've learned the best thing I can do is give myself a few days to get un-pissed before I confront the problem of why.   But I was really proud of myself for saying, "No, I'm not comfortable with risky sex," and then walking away. 

Okay, now I'm asking y'all to help me untangle this in my mind.  Do I tell him straight up what's going on in my head, or sit back, watch and see which way he jumps next.  If it's the latter, I'm certainly not going to sit home and wait on him, or am I reading way more into the things he says than I should.  I've been in love with him forever, but he has no idea, and I'm nervous about telling him this because I don't want to screw up what we do have with those 3 little words.  I feel like such a teenager with all this "drama".  So, should I wait for him to get his head out of his backside, or will that be a long time in coming?

Mama Harmony

Avatar for cajunharmony
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2001
Thu, 04-04-2013 - 3:01pm
Kat, I've decided to "let go and see what happens", as in, not as available when/if he does blow through. At this point, I think I pretty much know what's going on, but sometimes it just helps to write it out where you can go back and read it. Think I'm just going to keep things to myself for a while longer and just not be as accessible..

Mama Harmony

Avatar for cajunharmony
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2001
Thu, 04-04-2013 - 2:58pm
AW, HELL no I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with him if the feelings weren't mutual. As far as the "being in love with forever", ykwim. I think I've about sorted it all out in my head, and I'm just going to sit back and see what happens, especially if I'm not available every time he blows through town or stops by on a whim....

Mama Harmony

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Thu, 04-04-2013 - 1:30pm

I agree with Music and would def. be thinking if this person doesnt want the same thing as me and its been  years its time to move on..

Or it could be he sounds very non committal or commitment phobic.. and he loves you but in his own way but not ready to make that final leap to a committed relationship so he comes and goes when needed and wanted....

So I would think you have to make a decision to stay as is or let go for good..

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 04-04-2013 - 1:05pm

I think someone has to be the first one to speak.  Instead of the "what are your intentions for the future?" kind of thing, maybe you just have to be the one to tell him that you have developed feelings for him that are more than just a friend (I wouldn't start off by saying you have loved him forever) and see what he says.  You really want to know if he thinks more could develop or if he is definitely wanting to keep things just as friends.  Yes you might eventually lose the FWB, but think about it--if you are in love with a guy and he doesn't love you, would you still want to stay with him for years, wishing that he shared the same feelings?