His Ex

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2005
His Ex
15
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 7:46pm
I have been with my boyfriend for about a year. I am extremely insecure about his ex-girlfriend. Early in the relationship I found out that they still talk on the phone. But I found out by looking at his phone, while he was there, not by him telling me. Then, because he didn't tell me about it, I felt like he was trying to hide it from me. I told him that I would like to know when they talked and I tried to forget about it. After a few months I realized that they seem to talk often. I have trouble trusting people, so I sat down and tried to talk with him about it. I asked why it is so important for them to talk, etc. He just kept on saying they are just friends. It still worries me. I asked if he would consider how I feel and if he could not talk to her unless it is important. He would not even consider it. I understand that he feels like I'm trying to tell him who he can and can't be friends with, but it is only with her because he lied about her. Now I feel like he has chosen her over me. I need an outsider's opinion. Any advice?

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: eme4rald
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 8:45pm

Ok...IF the issue really is that he lied about being in touch with her, then you need to address THAT issue with him, not whether or why he continues to be in touch with her.

Did you explain to him WHY him lying about her makes you feel insecure about their friendship? If so, what did he say?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2005
In reply to: eme4rald
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 9:42pm

Thank you Sheri for responding!

I asked him why he didn't tell me and he said it was because he didn't think it was a big deal and he didn't want to make me be upset. (And of course I explained that this was the wrong way to go because he made me more upset because he didn't tell me.)

When I explained that him lying about her made me feel like he was trying to hide something he said that I don't need to worry about her because they are only friends. She broke up with him, so my main fear is that he still loves her. After I told him that, he said he does not. But I guess that goes into the category of why he stays in touch with her. Your response made me realize there are many issues concerning her. I hope I answered your question.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: eme4rald
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 10:06pm

Well, now you know something very important about his character--he thinks it's ok to lie to you when it's convenient for him. It doesn't sound like he was remorseful about it in the least. Is that the type of man you want as a partner? Plus, how can you ever trust him to tell you the truth if he lied to you about something like that?

To me, that's the bigger issue than whether he's friends with his ex. Of course, you can't trust his answer about whether he really is or not, because he lied to you in the first place.

I don't know how you fix this, especially since he seems to think it's no big deal that he lied to you in the first place.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2002
In reply to: eme4rald
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 10:38pm
Eeeeeeeew! I hate when people lie or are dishonest with someone because they don't want them to "get upset" that tells me they'll only be honest about things they know you won't get angry about and will hide the things that will make you angry.
I HAD a partner that told me "I only lie to you if something is going to get me in trouble."
So there you have it. He's only going to be selectively honest with you.


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2005
In reply to: eme4rald
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 12:30pm
He did admit that he shouldn't have done what he did. Later he did talk to her on the phone in front of me, as a way of trying to show me there is nothing there. But you are completely right in saying that I can't trust him because he did lie by omission in the first place, which is how I feel. After trying to figure out what would help the situation, I came to the rather harsh conclusion that he should only talk to her when it is important, or stop talking to her altogether. That is how I thought it could be fixed. His response is that I'm trying to control who his friends are. I thought, or had hoped, he would understand where I was coming from, and would have agreed. Do you have any opinion or thoughts about the fact that he doesn't like my idea of not talking to her? Thank you, again.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: eme4rald
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 1:05pm

I don't see how that "solution" even comes close to fixing the trust issue. It's really unrelated. Whether he talks to her or not isn't going to address the issue of him choosing to lie about his contact with her in the first place.

Even if he were to agree to your condition, how would you be able to trust that he was telling the truth?

I think a better solution would be to get to the heart of whether he is capable of being completely honest with you, AND willing to do so. That might take couples counseling.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2005
In reply to: eme4rald
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 1:13pm

Well, in IMHO, as far as the whole "selectively honest" thing goes, I still feel that NOT TELLING SOMEONE something isn't lying.


Now, if you asked him to tell you every time he talked to her, and he said he would, then didn't, that still isn't lying, but it IS being dishonest and untrustworthy. But all that is just a matter of semantics.


His response IS correct - you ARE trying to control who his friends are. You are flat out telling him he can't be friends with this person because of who she was in the past. Now, you might think you are entirely in your right to do that. And he might think you are entirely in the wrong. He might genuinely be friends with her with no romantic feelings. He might totally want to go to bed with her. If you lie awake at night feeling like you can't control him and can't get the picture of him and her together out of your head, you have a problem, and it isn't him. It's you. The question isn't whether or not he wants the relationship bad enough to meet your demand. That is letting HIM control the situation. And the question isn't whether or not YOU want the relationship bad enough to completely forgive him and let him be friends with her. The question is whether or not you BOTH want it bad enough to be able to reach an understanding. If he isn't going to budge, then it is up to you to either budge or leave. It would be the same thing if you guys had a debate abuot say, abortion. Or something as trivial as the toilet seat.


Whenever you make a decision to trust someone, you are risking having that trust broken. Sometimes, odds are against you, sometimes for you. People have had their trust broken when there was seemingly EVERY reason to believe it wouldn't, and people have had their trust kept when the odds were overwhelming that it would be broken. I've been cheated on by girls who I never DREAMED would cheat, and had long-lasting relationships with ones I was SURE would.


I will say this - I have had completely friendly relationships with exes. Did I ever thinkn about having sex with them? Duh. I AM a man. There are times in my life I have had thoughts of having sex with many different people. The coffee shop girl, a coworker, whoever. Men think about sex. Whether it is Angelina Jolie, or someone down the street, if you don't understand that, you wont' get very far in any relationship.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: eme4rald
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 4:38pm

Well, if a boyfriend ever told me that I couldn't speak to a friend anymore, just because I once dated that friend...I would have told him to go pound sand and provided him with a road map to the nearest beach. That's a deal-breaker for me--NO ONE tells me who my friends are, period, full stop. Many of my friends are ex-somethingorothers, I care about many of them deeply (though no longer romantically) and my SO *must* be someone who's secure enough to cope with that fact. I picked people to date who have great qualities. Even though things didn't last romantically, they still have those qualities and I still want them in my life, as friends.

Luckily, I found someone secure enough to cope. I've been married for almost 7 years, and am still, to this very day, friends with many of my exes.

BUT...I don't omit that information. My husband knew from the very first that I am friends, sometimes close friends, with my exes. He got told who they were. He met all of them eventually. Many were actually in our wedding. I would never have considered not telling him about an ex.

Your bf's keeping in contact with his ex is entirely reasonable. His failing to tell you about it is not. Others here have given you a lot of good advice for dealing with the dishonesty. You can do with that what you will.

But now and in the future, you need to learn that most adults don't take kindly to other adults trying to control them. And YES, telling someone who he can and can't talk to, what they can talk about, when they can talk, and why IS MOST DEFINITELY controlling. Once you've dealt with the dishonesty in this relationship, it might be a good idea to look into dealing with your own insecurities, and how to get yourself to the point where you can have a relationship with someone that doesn't include controlling their friendships.

--fc

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2005
In reply to: eme4rald
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 6:04pm

I thank you all for the advice.

I am well aware that me asking him to end contact with her was controlling. I just do not know any other way to address the situation. In my mind, and I realize I am probably being illogical, if he does not talk to her, there will be nothing for him to hide. After reading the responses, I believe the issue is how he can gain my trust back. And, unfortunately, I do not know how he can do that. I do not know how to deal with his dishonesty.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2004
In reply to: eme4rald
Sat, 06-17-2006 - 11:27am
dear emer4rald,
I disagree with the most who responded to you. The mere fact that you posted this question is an indication that there is something that isn't right.
I think that him lying and getting defensive and accusing you of controlling him is not a good sign and is not cool at the least. However - listen to you gut feel - it will never fail you, don't try to reason his actions.

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