Housemate naughties - please men help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2003
Housemate naughties - please men help!
Mon, 04-28-2003 - 8:47pm

Edited 5/25/2003 9:03:53 PM ET by cremeegg
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-28-2003 - 8:57pm
Well, he's getting his. I'd be the last person to throw stones from my glass house, but I will say I doubt this situation is going to change. If what you want in your life right now is someone to have fun with at night, I say jolly good and carry on. If you want someone who's going to giggle about last night's escapades while you watch reruns of Coupling, this is probably not the guy.

It's a very sticky situation being that you live together, but he's made it pretty obvious that he doesn't think there's anything to discuss. I say evaluate what you want and take the steps to get it. (Warning: the preceding statement in no way indicates that you'll get what you want FROM THIS GUY, but unless you take actions toward your goals, this type of situation is liable to turn up again.)

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-29-2003 - 8:54am
Yup, same here. He's getting what he wants. A bootie call whenever he wants it. He's not looking for more. He's not looking for emotional closeness, flirting, or any other contact. Just sex at night.

He's getting what he wants, so why would he change?

If you are getting what you want, then don't change either. However, if this is not what you want, then I suggest stopping what you are doing and direct your energy elsewhere.

Pretty straight forward solution.


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2003
Tue, 04-29-2003 - 7:25pm
I can't see much more to add, but there are a few tips:

1. Be careful how you tell him, if you decide to tell him. You live with him and this could get ugly...even though he isn't showing any emotional contact. Since he IS getting what he wants, cutting that off suddenly is going to become an emotional shock.

2. We can go into more details in how to set him straight if you like, my point above is just to be careful about how you do it. He is getting a sweet deal and he won't want you to blow that on him...even though I agree with previous posts that if you arent satisfied with this that you should end it.

3. Have you tried to talk privately or in the house only? Sometimes its easier to talk on neutral ground, but he's clearly wanting to maintain privacy at least. He might be interested in more but finds the situation rather awkward. Suddenly finding yourself living with someone you just met and had intimate contact with can be quite a shock to the system. He might just need some talking to, but my instincts tell me he needs to grow up a bit...he shouldn't ignore you after you two have shared something so special as this.

4. So in sum, I concurr with previous, he has what he wants, he isnt' going to change that and he is going to RESIST any attempts YOU make to change it for him. Gradually ease him out of the loop and into the reality of adulthood and maturity if you aren't satisfied with this...if you try to pursue more with him, its likely going to be a constant battle with him resisting commitment and openess from start to finish. Find someone who WANTS to talk to you in the first place..this fellow clearly doesn't.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2003
Tue, 04-29-2003 - 10:05pm
Hey thankyou for all your help - I am interested to know whether the author of the last message is a guy or a girl? You gave me some very good advice and I appreciate the time you took. In answer to your quesiton, I did speak to him in private but it looked like he just wanted to get away all the time. I think you're right though he's just childish. I don't really want anything more from him, but the main problem is that I'm feeling rejected and unattractive becasue of his lack of attention. You know like i keep thinking what's wrong with me that he doens't want more. I've been single for one and a half years now! I know that probably sounds really self-indulgent but I don't want to feel depressed about it. Like i said I value who I chose to sleep with and I feel I've made a mistake and I guess it doesn't all seem worth it unless something else develops, even though I don't really want that. Does that make sense? I guess I see it as a wasted 'number'. This is why I can't understand the girls who can have one night stands - by this comment, i make no judgement by the way. I judge no one by who or how many people they sleep with, only my self! Any comments appreciated, and thanks again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-29-2003 - 10:30pm
Wasted number...boy did that drive me crazy for a while. Until I realized that they weren't really wasted and as long as you're safe, who cares about the number? You've got to do what you're comfortable with and who cares what the rest of the world thinks.

Being a single woman after being in a relationship is hard. I'm sure I'll get flak from the guys because I'm definitely stereotyping here. I dont want to open up the "it's hard to find someone to be intimate with" can of worms (believe me, it's not pretty in there), but I've been known to do some pretty crazy things if I've had no intimacy in my life for a while.

Dust yourself off. File this one away under the "well, I tried it and that didn't work" category, and move along. Until they start tattooing the numbers on our foreheads I think we're ok. And even if they did, we'd still be ok. We are our harshest critic (most of the time).

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-30-2003 - 9:34am
He's not "using you" - you wanted sex and he wanted sex. You both agreed to have sex.

You didn't agree mutually by open and honest communication to flirt, be nicer, be more prompt, be more patient with one another. You promised each other to have the horizontal mambo...and you've done it and are continuing on with it.

It's's just a physically pleasurable and gratifying act between two consenting adults - and it's only pleasurable and gratifying if both of htem are skilled at the sport. That's it.

If you want flirtation, cuddling on the couch, and someone to respect your need to get "a boyfriend" that respects and admires you as an individual and considers sex with you an emotionally bonding experience as a result of that respect and admiration - not a bone buddy.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 04-30-2003 - 10:36am
The two things that you mentioned that stand out are: You place a lot of value on sex, his lack of attention to you during the day is causing you to question yourself. You need more than just sex. You need sex and acknowledgement for being a human being that he is attracted to and likes when you aren't having sex. I do not believe that anybody would want to be ignored or not acknowledged by someone during the day, but expected to have sex with them during the night.

I would imagine that this feeling you are having is affecting the sex. How could you not wonder if tomorrow is going to be the same? If I were you, I would have a brief discussion that goes somewhere along the lines of, "Your failure to even acknowledge me during the day is causing more pain than the sex is giving pleasure. I need to feel like I am something more than just a warm body to you, and until I feel like I'm someone special to you, we cannot continue having sex."

Saying this is the easy part. Living it is the hard part. If you say it and don't stand by it, you will lose respect in his eyes and he'll know he can give you as little as he wishes and still take what he wants.


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2003
Fri, 05-23-2003 - 1:14am
Hey girl,

As a future housemate of 6 guys your situation definitely interests me. Maybe this kid just doesn't know how to act towards you in the day because you lived together then had sex. Maybe it is too intense for him to show that he likes you during the day... in any case i'd just go about my daily life as routinely as possible, and use him for sex at night! Unless you don't want to keep sleeping with him. Hope it works out.