How can I communicate in "man terms" and not like a "emotional chick"?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2011
How can I communicate in "man terms" and not like a "emotional chick"?
2
Sun, 01-20-2013 - 8:11pm

I’ve come to the conclusion my husband has decided he wants a 1950’s housewife that also has a full time job. He had moved us 5 times in four years by accepting managerial promotions with his job. Each move he has become more and more demanding of me. My work hours are not constant sometimes I can work closing/opening shifts with just enough time in the middle to get 5 hours of sleep. Yet when I get home he goes off on a tangent talking about how he doesn’t understand why I cant keep a clean house and keep up with the dishes or laundry. We recently decided we wanted to try for kids but then he drops a bombshell of considering applying for a position 9 hours away from my family. This set me off. My life literally consist of working my ass off and going home and cleaning while he tells me I’m not doing a sufficient job.

I explained to him that that I needed help with chores and I didn’t want to move again because I’m tired of feeling unstable and didn’t want to raise children in a home where we could be uprooted any minute. I also explained how I feel he never considers how moving affects my life and my resume, I can’t do anything of enjoyment with my life because I’m to far from friends and family and we move to much for me to get more. He’s response to this was I was being over dramatic and was being selfish and preventing him from having the career he wants. Right now I have the flu…the house is a mess and of course I called into work. He had not once offered to get me a drink or medicine but has repeatedly gone on a tangent about how messed up the house is. When I started coughing he kept giving me dirty looks and asked if I’d be quiet cause he was trying to concentrate. Then later he goes to bed attempts to beckon me to the room and he’s completely oblivious why I have no interest in getting all hot and heavy. My husband was not this way when I met him his bad attitude towards me seems to have something to do with is job since with every move it gets progressively worse. I feel like when I describe my problems to him I come across as a needy emotional chick when all I want him is to step back and look at how he’s treating me. I’m not looking for “ leave his @$$” comments or comments bad mouthing him. I’m looking for constructive feed back on a better way to communicate with him. Any suggestions?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I just lost the comment I had written so this might not be as brilliant.  So I would recommend marriage counseling, but I'm 99% sure that he won't go because everything is YOUR problem--he doesn't need counseling because everything he does is right.  I would still suggest that you go to either 1) learn how to deal with him and maybe learn some more effective ways of communicating or 2) figure out that this marriage is not for you.  I do know that you can't change another person, but you can change yourself.  I would be telling him flat out that you are not the maid and since both of you work, it is not just your responsibility to keep the house clean--what exactly is he doing?  If he says he works more hours, then maybe instead of doing 50% of the housework, he can only do 40% but he should not expect to be doing nothing.  It seems like the attitude that he has is that he is the important person in the marriage and you are the 2nd class citizen who is just supposed to be going along with everything that he wants.  When he said that you were selfish by asking not to move again, what was your response?  did you say "well what about my career or what I want?"  The big thing in marriage is learning how to balance each person's wants and needs so it isn't always 100% for one person and not the other--you've already moved 5 times for him, so it's not like you haven't done your part.  Unless he is in the military and really has no choice, then when do you get a say in all this?  Please don't even think of having kids until your marriage is on better footing, because you'll only end up with more duties that he won't be pitching in on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2007
Music pretty much covered it well. It is going to come down to talking. The only question is how "tough" your approach is. I take it from the past part of your post, you are not looking for a confrontation or ulitmatum kind of talk to force the change you need. So the option is to try to "love" him out of the funk. But this would only work if he is not this by nature and just ended up here because of some issues. This would not be the first choice i recommend but you kinda ruled out the the other things i would have said with your ending. depending on what is going on at work, and what he is trying to acheive, he may have started looking at you as an additional problem that he has to deal with. As a result, he sees not what you are doing right but everything you are doing wrong. I went thru a similar phase in my first marriage, even though i never got that far. The wonderful lady i was married to at the time set me straight quick :-). But also she took a lot of time to understand what i was dealing with, and to talk about my plans to turn them into our plans. Then she wasn't an obstacle, she was my partner in the plan i had for us. I went back to seeing how much she was contributing, and being eager to help out because i saw us as pushing to the same goal. So you can try that, just making a push to understand what he is dealing with, his plans, and talking about it and how both of you can make it plans for both. It may work but again it depends on what his real nature is. It can't change who he is, it may only affect how he veiws you as regards his plans. and that is the root cause of the issues you are having, then great. if the base issue is different, then you may really have to push for counseling or some real tough talk to draw the line. Good luck, i hope it works out and evrything gets better.