How Do I Ask My Fiance For a Pre-Nupt?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2003
How Do I Ask My Fiance For a Pre-Nupt?
15
Sun, 03-18-2007 - 6:28pm

Hello everyone. As many of you already know, my fiancé and I are engaged to be married this August. Last September I asked him to sign a prenuptial agreement with me before we get married (he previously ask me for one about a year and a half ago after we became engaged). I am a legal professional who is planning to get another professional degree or license after we're married so, in the unlikely event my fiancé and I must part ways and get a divorce, I could end up owing him a substantial amount of money if he requests alimony. Besides, my debt load is quite hefty (more like "huge") compared to his (he has virtually no debts and very good credit). I explained to my fiancé that he would also benefit from the prenuptial by not having to be responsible for my debt in the unlikely event I default.

However, my fiancé didn't see it this way and became offended - saying that I don't trust him or that I'm planning for a divorce before we're married. He said he's not marrying me for my money nor would he ever ask for anything should we get a divorce. He thinks it is fine for us to agree that we'll take anything we brought into the marriage and that's that.

Although I trust my fiancé, I really would feel more secure having a prenuptial not only for my future degree/license but also because this is his third marriage. He's not the type of person to take advantage of others but sometimes people act much differently when going through a divorce. I simply plan on locking this prenuptial agreement away somewhere and hope that we never have to use it.

I also asked him to consult with an attorney who could better explain the benefits of having a prenuptial. Instead, my fiancé again became upset and felt that he was being "penalized" because he has to spend additional money to hire a lawyer. My fiancé eventually found a lawyer (his best friend's lawyer who is actually a judge) who would review the prenuptial for him at no charge. As a result, my fiancé agreed to see his friend's lawyer and to sign a prenuptial.

We haven't spoken about this prenuptial since September and the wedding is about 5 months away. How should I ask my fiancé about this prenuptial again? I would like to settle this whole issue before finalizing our wedding plans.




Edited 3/18/2007 6:45 pm ET by ms_la_donna

Pages

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 5:05pm

I'm a little confused by your question, because you say that your fiance agreed to see your friend's lawyer and sign a pre-nup. So why didn't you follow up with that at the time (or did you)?

In any event, I think the best course of action would be to have your lawyer draft one, and give your fiance the draft and ask him to have his lawyer contact review it as was previously agreed. But depending on how long ago you had that last conversation, it could be stressful again (that's why I'm confused as to why you didn't strike while the iron was hot so to speak).

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2003
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 5:17pm
My fiance's lawyer isn't my friend - it's "his" friend's lawyer. And, yes, we should've gotten this outta the way back in Sept. but some things came up and we got side-tracked. In any event, I asked my fiance about the prenupt last nights and he's still willing to go through with it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2002
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 9:24pm

I'm glad you resolved this now make sure to follow through right NOW so you aren't 5 weeks away from the wedding and still don't have the issue resolved.

If you guys are getting married you are going to have a lifetime of stressful events to deal with. This is sort of a barometer of how you guys will handle communications on issues in the future. If you are too afraid to bring things up because he gets upset by it, how are you going to deal with that in the future? Because keeping feelings to oneself so as to not rock the boat doesen't get the communication done and the issue dealt with. Him getting melodramatic if he doesen't like something isn't a real effective way of resolving things either.

Just keep this in mind over the long term.



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2007
Wed, 03-21-2007 - 10:01am
I would be a little more concerned about the communication issues at this point. I agree you need a prenuptial agreement, but he doesn't sound keen on the idea. He obviously has been through the ending of a marriage before...just ask him straight out in a "loving" way. If it is not the answer you are looking for or he puts it off again...maybe it's time to think twice about August. Good Luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2006
Wed, 03-21-2007 - 11:06am

Hi there

I agree with your perspective completely and understand where you are coming from. I'm sure being in the legal profession you are aware of the hefty fees that come along with a divorce. That alone makes the pre-nupt worth it! I am dating a man who is certainly being raked over the coals for alimony and child support, and I'm amazed at what he has gone through.

I understand your fiance's perspective as well. I'm wondering if perhaps you present in such a way that you are doing this because you love him, and do not want to have to see both of you endure more difficulty than needed in the unlikely event you divorce. Perhaps if he sees it as more of a protection for both of you, rather than a "plan B" if you will, he might be more open to it.

Good luck to you! I hope your wedding is amazing!

Isabelle

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2003
Wed, 03-21-2007 - 11:54am
Thank you. Actually we spoke about the prenupt Sunday night and he stated that he would certainly agree to one without hesitation. He also reviewed the form and made changes to it on Monday and spoke to his friend on yesterday about contacting the attorney/judge.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2003
Wed, 03-21-2007 - 12:03pm

Thanks Isabella! Yes I think my fiance is starting to understand the benefits of a prenupt. I tried to present the prenupt as a form of "life insurance" to him - protection you hope you'll never need. Besides, he greatly values his good credit and low debt to income ratio and with a prenupt, he won't have to pay for my astronomical debt in case I can't pay for it! In fact, he told me before that his ex-wife tried to get him to pay for her college loans despite their prenupt - so he should understand first hand how important it is to have a prenupt.

By the way, nice name! My flower girl's name is Isabella.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2007
Wed, 03-21-2007 - 9:02pm
I would suggest that you talk this over, as a couple with a minister or counselor as opposed to a lawyer. Even though the prenup is about numbers signing it is about emotion. I would also add to the prenup that if either of you cheat on the other that it becomes void. He sounds like he thinks you are looking for a way out just in case.
Please let me know how it goes and what route you take. I'm sure that as an attorney you know that many state will not back a prenup signed within so many days of the wedding because of the pressure it puts on the couple.
gal_palala
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2003
Thu, 03-22-2007 - 1:36pm
Thank you. The wedding is less than 5 months away. Do you think signing a prenupt now is too close to the wedding?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2006
Fri, 03-23-2007 - 10:52am
Just be very open and very honest, so that there is no misconception or miscommunication right before you both get married. It shouldn't be hard for you to talk to him about it b/c you both are at least 'friends' right? I mean you're going to be married soon. Throughout your life you will find a lot of things hard to talk about w/your SO/Husband so it's better to start practicing now...to see how he will handle/react to difficult/uncomfortable situations. That's what I would do.

Pages