how do I get him to propose faster? My clock is ticking!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2004
how do I get him to propose faster? My clock is ticking!
2
Mon, 04-29-2013 - 7:38pm

I've been with my boyfriend for 1 year &amp; 4 months.&nbsp; Totally in love. We have no issues, no arguements. No doubt in my mind we are meant to behere's the thing.&nbsp; I am 38 and he's 30.&nbsp; I pretty much wasted 7 years of my life before I met this man&nbsp;in an abusive relationship, and waiting for him to desire to marry me and have children. HE was divorced and when I met him, he was set on no more kids/marriage, but I waited and thought he'd change his mind! 7 years later I finally left him.&nbsp; Anyway, so I meet my man now and he is the opposite of the ex. Wonderful in every way.&nbsp; I love his family and everyone around us constantly comments how happy we look etc.&nbsp; Here's the thing. it took him a while to even call me his gf. He was nervous about getting involved bc of his ex and a bad breakup. But after 5 months, he said I was his gf and shortly after was first to say he loved me.&nbsp; Ever since, it's been like a fairy tale love story for me.&nbsp; Except... i would like him to propose sometime soon and I feel bc of his age, he may take his sweet old time! I would also like children! Last week, I asked him formally (Assumed he did all along) if he'd like marriage and a family and he said yes, that he just didnt know when. I asked if he was unsure about US and he said no.&nbsp; He just doesn't know when.&nbsp; I dropped the subject.&nbsp; ANyway, I feel depressed often wondering why he has not proposed yet if we are completely in love, nor has he asked me to move in.&nbsp; When I brought up moving in a few months ago, he said he thinks about the future but that we hadn't been together long enough for that etc.&nbsp; bottom line is he just is not ready. He wants it, but just not now. I can wait just a little longer but my question is, how do I try to push him along without pressuring him??&nbsp; When does a man decide he is ready?&nbsp; I feel depressed that no man has ever propsed to me! I feel like something is wrong with me.&nbsp; I see others getting engaged and some are losers etc and here I am, a good woman and he won't propose and act on it.&nbsp; I know he is cautious but I'm extrememly worried I will be waiting around forever and I only have a short time to have a baby left, if any.&nbsp; His family and friends keep briging it up to us (asking when we are getting married) to that he will just laugh and be awkward.&nbsp; It seems like something that makes him very nervous.&nbsp; I also should add that he never goes out with friends and we spend every single wkend together.&nbsp; He's not one of the types that has to have his boys nights out etc.&nbsp;Do I have reason to worry or will he come around some day soon?&nbsp;Thanks</p>

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013

Getting him to propose sooner is not going to happen. You discussed all the pertinent issues with him, and he answered. He's not unreasonable to want to wait longer than 1 year and 4 months to move in together. He's not unreasonable to reject a proposal at this time. Many women are in your situation right now, including a good friend of mine. For whatever reason, past relationships haven't worked out and/or the man wouldn't have been a good father or didn't want to be. My friend is 42 and has spent the last 4 years making very inappropriate choices where men are concerned, and has tried to speed up the process of possibly having children with them, so has gone too fast in the relationship, and has resulted in one man being scared away. The other man was in another country and 18 years her junior. Very impractical and doomed for disaster. Her biological clock ticking is making her do irrational things. Don't let this happen to you.

Your bf seems to be mature and level headed. He treats you well and regularly spends time with you. If I were you, I'd give him another year and a half. At the 3 year mark, a person should be at the point where they want the relationship to progress. After 3 years, he should know you well enough to know if you are the right lifetime partner for him. At that point, I would discuss your wishes--that you want to start a family and that your fertility rate is declining. If he says he's not ready, you'll have to decide to move on or stay with a man who doesn't share your goals, which normally doesn't work. If he says he's ready to marry, you should also discuss the possiblility of you not getting pregnant. You will have to talk about if other options like adoption are agreeable to both of your or not.

If you end it with him now, there's no guarantee you'll find someone decent right away to date. It usually takes dating a boat load of people until you find one who is worthy of you and shares your life goals. Then it'll take another 2 years to see the real person and if he's the right one. The bf you have now seems like someone worth the risk of waiting for, for awhile longer. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2013

A year and four months is nothing.  I generally advise men to not get married unless you have been together and sexually active for 3-4 years, at least.

If you keep pushing the guy, you could lose him.  Your biological clock is not what should determine when you get married.  He has told you he's not ready yet - accept that.