How much should we let a man pursue us? Do the Dating Rules still exist.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
How much should we let a man pursue us? Do the Dating Rules still exist.....
11
Sat, 10-15-2011 - 10:36am

This is more of a general question.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2008

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2008
It is a jungle out there! In the old days, perhaps more elegantly stated, the man would court the woman by taking the initiative and it was unfeminine and desperate to be too bold. Those old days of courtship rules are long since gone, but some shreds of that old thought lingers on. So what we have nowadays, I think, is people paying lip service to the old school courtship rules and then doing whatever they want. Which is to say, a woman will SAY she always makes the guy pursue but in fact she texts or calls or makes her interest known. I have seen it time & time again, where women (even quite attractive women) take the initiative.

What I'm saying is that you are being honest. You call. You admit you call. I think it's great that you are who you are and you are honest about it.

As to the 45 year old. Whose to say. So many people are into multiple dating (thanks match.com) that your 45 year old may have dropped off-line because someone else captured his interest. Or maybe he was busy. Or maybe his interest is lukewarm. Besides which, surely, if the only way to get him to call is to ignore him, who wants that type of guy anyway? I can see the match profile "Looking for a guy who doesn't want me to want him." LOL. No, I think the right guy wants you to be excited about his interest.

And so, and at the end of the day, the only rule I can see that works is to be honest with yourself and honest with the guy. For example, don't tell a guy you're okay with casual if you want a relationship. Don't pretend not to care if you do. Be honest. Be respectful.

And if you are, you're fine.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2011
I think rules are for people to feel like they have control over things that they have no control over. You're not going to make someone be interested in you through some magic formula. In general, the main way in this country that people feel most comfortable with for dating is that guys pursue and women encourage.
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Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010

Possibly "pursue is the wrong word.

Goldfish

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

Well when you say you ask, does that mean you will ask a woman out on a date?

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Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010

Music not all men like or respond to the "game". I ask but will not pursue.

Goldfish

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Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010

It also depends on the part of the country you are in.

Goldfish

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
I presume that the "rules" were created because they are based on how men and women behave and interact. Men have been in the role of being the pursuer, in control and therefore would rather ask than be asked. I know women feel awkward in turning down someone they are not interested in but men are not use to that at all.

You were disappointed that someone would take "hours to respond?" In this world of instant communication where people cannot take their eyes and hands off their iPhone from the moment you get up until you go to sleep then I can understand the disappointment. However there are those of us who focus on real life and being present. I have had women who do not get back to me until a week has passed because of their real life activities.

If the guy is interested then he will make an effort to contact you. He won't be more interested if you do the initiating.

When I was dating I was in my mid-40s as well. I don't know and don't care about "rules" however I do notice how people like to interact, be contacted and how they contact me.

Mark
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009

I don't like the idea of "dating rules". If two people genuinely like one another, the rules don't really mean much.

I think two people owe it to one another to make an effort for one another by expressing their interest. If you're the only one calling and making plans, then it's probably because you are more interested than the man. But I have never met a man who didn't truly appreciate a woman who was straightforward and easygoing. Men hate dating rules, why make it difficult for someone you like to approach you? Dating is give-and-take, if one side is all "take" with no "give" then you can't really progress anywhere. I dont think there is anything wrong with calling a man. If he's turned off by that, well, sucks to be him. I've always made it clear when I liked a guy and have NEVER had anything but great results.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007

I'm a similar age to you and I didn't know that there used to be dating rules.

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