how to take boyfriends sarcasm??

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2006
how to take boyfriends sarcasm??
12
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 12:36am

my bf is always cracking comments about me. today he made comments about how i dont go to church regularly, and just kept beating away at it because of laughs from other people, but it was at my expense. he's a catholic and goes to mass every week no matter what, and well i'm not, i'm christian, and haven't found a church that i like to attend regularly, my parents attend a church that i really dont enjoy at all, so i tend to not go. but he kept making comments about me getting late, and about me going to hell, and called me a heathen...after a while it gets under my skin, and i think it should!

he also has a tendancy to say something like i have cankles, or thick thighs or something, and my weight is a serious issue to me, since i've met him and been with him i've gained around 20 pounds, and it's really actually only been within the last year that i've gained it all. i've been on and off of birth control, and i do exercise, and i dont eat really badly, i have jsut put on some weight, but i also did recently graduate from college. but at any rate my weight really bothers me, and i'm trying to put it off, i've switched BC, and i'm eating a reduced calorie diet.

A few weeks ago i was spending the night with him and he had wanted to mess around, and i told him if he wanted to mess around he could go right ahead and get started, that it didn't require effort from me for him to innitiate it, and it made him mad and he flipped over adn about fell out of the bed, well when he rolled back over (i need to add that in him trying to be sexual he'd pulled me to the middle of the bed) i was in the middle of the bed, and he shouted "move your f'n fat ass over. i was totally mortified, i laid there for a minute just to calm down then got up put on my clothes and left....we didn't talk for around a week and a half. the thing is it's not the first time he's said that to me, he said it last summer too, he got mad at me and told me that i needed to shed a few pounds.

so today when he was being sarcastic about my cankles ( that i dont have by the way ) and my thick thighs ( which i do have, haha.. ) i got really upset and had to go outside and sit, he came out and tried to talk to me, but he only thought i was mad about the jokes about my religious choices, which made me even more mad. so i had to calm down, then when we were riding to town together he ask me if i was still mad and i told him no that i'd calmed down, and i told him that it was because of what he said about my thighs. and his reprise was that he didn't mean it that he liked them and would let me wrap them around him any time i wanted to, so i tried to let it go.

he's really short tempered, and he's one of those people that if he gets cornered or upset he shoots off at the mouth and says the most hateful and hurtful things he can think of, and he's really good at it, when he does it it makes me feel like a big steaming pile of crap, always has, but he always appoligizes for it at some point in time later.

i've been with him for 3.5 years now, and sometimes i just can't take his jokin and sarcasm. i mean he treats me like he treats all of the other 'guys' but i'm not a guy, i'm his girlfriend. he doesn't have any females close to him other than his mother, who is abnormally masculine, he's got a brother and male cousins, there are just no other females around.

is all of this just that he doesn't know how to treat a girl, is he trying to treat me like he treats everyone else with his jokes and sarcasm? how seriously should i take all of it (aside from the inappropriate outbursts)?
as far as the outbursts go, i deal with them immediately, and let them know that they are NOT in anyway ok, that he should never talk to another human being like that, especially not me. he's definitely never been disciplined in his life but for the past little while now he's been quite "perfect" in most respects.

i just wonder if he really thinks that i am fat, and if that turns him off, or embarasses him in any way? i mean i feel that i'm an average sized female, i'm 5'3" and i wear a size 10-12, i know that for my height i could stand to be somewhat thinner, but the reality of my size is that the smallest i've been since i hit puberty is a size 8, and that was a couple of years ago, i was larger than that in highschool i wore 10's all through highschool, and i was in excellent physical condition i played varsity soccer and softball, so i was active all year round.

how light hearted are the jokes and comments he's making? do i just need to tell him how uncomfortable they make me feel, and that i have enough problems worrying about my weight without knowing it bothers him too? because the thing is that it's killing our sex life, for me anyway, i feel like it has to be pitch black, and i have to be covered at all times so he won't see me, and i won't do certain positions because i feel like i look fat..

any insight is welcome.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2002
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 10:02am

ummm... and you've stayed with him for 3.5 years, why?

Everybody's sarcastic sometimes, but this guy sounds like he uses 'sarcasm' instead to get away with being an insensitive jackass. Veiled aggression. He'll make a hurtful comment, wait to see if it gets laughs and approval for him (which encourages him to do more), or if it upsets someone/you (now suddenly it's a 'joke' and he 'didn't mean it.') Pffft. Bullhocky.

<<is all of this just that he doesn't know how to treat a girl>>>

Don't make excuses for him. He goes to church every week, so he's been ABUNDANTLY exposed to how women should be treated. He's got other family besides his mother, brothers and male cousins - somewhere there's a grandmother or an aunt or two, he's been to school so he's had female teachers, watched TV/movies which has some good shows it's not all bad, etc. This 'excuse' of his doesn't fly with me.

<<>>

Yes. Yes. Yes. If it didn't, he wouldn't make those comments even as a joke. The thought wouldn't occur to him to say it out loud, especially to others. There ARE guys out there who are more tolerant, even *attracted* to girls with a little meat on their bones - don't let this guy get under your skin and make you think that his approval of you depends somewhat on your pants size. You've already experienced how life/metabolism changes can affect your weight - and there's lots more to come as you grow older, have children, change jobs and activities, etc. Unless you want to spend a major portion of energy and attention throughout your life to keep unwanted pounds off, this guy will probably never be happy with your weight.

<<>>

Verbal and emotional abuse, which can leave deeper scars than anything physical. And that's why many abuse victims stay with their abusers, because they believe the apologies, excuse it as something he had no control over, if they weren't so fat/slow/stupid/ugly/etc. then he woudn't act that way (as if his behavior is their fault LOL). If he constantly says "I didn't mean it" when he said hurtful things, then how can you believe he means it when he apologizes? He hurts you, apologizes, hurts you again, apologizes, hurts you again... which is the truth? I'd only believe an apology IF the guy made efforts to stop the behavior. Doesn't sound like he's doing this.

<<>>

If the comments were lighthearted, they'd stop once you told him they made you uncomfortable.

<<>>
and:
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You've already told him how his comments make you feel. He's just choosing to ignore how much this hurts you, and you're unwilling to face that fact.

You really CAN do much better than this guy. I think you're just fairly young yet, and since you've been with this guy for so long you haven't experienced what loving relationships can really be like, NOR have you had enough opportunity to be just by yourself to find out what you really love about yourself without your BF's approval.

Your choice what to do.

Msfit

                  &nbs

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2005
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 11:16am

Please leave him. Now. Any guy that would make a comment like he made, saying "move your f'n fat ass over" is a pig. And this comes from a man. No, he does NOT know how to treat a girl, much less another human being.


There are size 4 girls that have great relationships, and size 12 girls that have great relationships. I've heard a girl tell me almost the same exact comment your BF made, but using the word skinny insteand of fat (she was a rail). And it hurt her just as much as it hurt you I imagine. It doesn't have anything to do with weight.


You should do what you want about your body because of your own happiness. When you are happy with yourself, no matter if it's a size 6 or 16, trust me, you are WAY sexier. I'd take a happy healthy size 12 over a whiny depressed size 6 any day.


Anyway Sally, enough of my ranting. IMHO, this guy does not know how to treat people in a way that you would like to be treated. And when it comes to something fundamental like that, you can't change. I know you've invested a lot of your life in this relationship, but I think its time for you to take a long hard look and where its heading, and what life with him would be like in 3.5 more years, and things like marriage and kids, and see how that looks to you.


Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 11:47am

I would not "take" it at all...there's no way I'd stay with someone who swore at me. Nice behavior for a churchgoer, eh? (that was sarcasm)

To me, the fact that he apologizes and then does exactly the same thing next time pretty much renders the apology moot.

I married someone who made sarcastic comments to me (although he never swore at me like that) and it was one of the reasons I divorced him. Look how this guy has you wondering if you're good enough...can you imagine how you're going to feel after 10 years with him, if you were to stay with him?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 8:23am
Wow he sounds like a great Catholic! Having sex outside of marriage and verbally abusing his girlfriend. He's a steaming pile of crap (to use your words) and you should dump him. If you don't your self-esteem will gradually be whittled down to nothing and then you will be trapped in a miserable relationship with this monster. Iri
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2002
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 9:29am
Check out my post in Temper on the warning signs of abuse (post 4 I think). You will see your bf.
I have to say he is a hypocrite. Sex outside of marriage, verbally abusing his gf, putdowns of her religious choice. A great Catholic he is not.
3.5 years with this crud. Honey, what are you thinking?


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2006
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 11:12am

i do love him. and i've taken so much more than just his sarcasm. he's openly lied and cheated on me. i've yet to figure out why i haven't left him actually. i just recently moved back in with my parents in my home town to be with him b/c i'd been away at college. and i have nothing here but him. i just wish i could understand why he'd want to treat me that way. my last serious bf (in highschool) wasn't much better than my current, he wasn't as critical, but he was physical.
i dated this guy that was a good friend for about a month a few years back, and he told me that i was just like a little puppy that needed to be loved and taken care of...why is it that the guys that i date and dont end up working out with dont see that? why can't my bf see me for the good that i am and WANT to treat me better? I dont think i'm a cow, and i think i'm reasonably attractive. i think i'm funny, i know i'm smart..
i mean he's no pot of perfection...sometimes he just makes me so mad that i want to tell him all of the things that i dont like about him, but i love him too much to do that...i ended up telling him one night that he needed psyhological help, and that he'd alienated everyone but me from his life and that no one liked him (which is practically the truth)..he ended up hanging up on me and called me back crying and yelling at me asking me how I could talk to him that way...and i told him that i could tell him he was in a bad way and needed help because it was the truth and he needed to hear it.

he's not just that way to me, he's like that around his parents, brother, and friends too which is something else i dont understand. he's 25 still living at home waiting to go into the state police academy (which is a whole nother issue all together), any way i was sitting in the garage the other night alone waiting for him to pull back in on his dirtbike, and his dad came and sat with me for a minute. his dad said "i hope he got that bike fixed, so that he'll be in a better mood, he's been awful. i dont know how you can stand him, he's so hateful" I sat there for a minute and didn't know what to say in reply to him. then i said "yes, he's pretty bad, but he's been doing better lately. I ended up leaving him a couple of weeks back and not talking to him, and he eventually came around and he's been better since then." his dad said that he's just got that "ignorant streak" in him. his dad said that my bf is just like his mother, he said that she can go up to 2 weeks and not talk to him (her husband)AND they live in the same house, and sleep in the same bed..my bf and his younger brother (23) also argue a lot, and my bf ended up being so hateful to his brother one weekend that he didn't come back home for three days, and after that none of his friends talked to him for about a month, they were almost scared to.
i have in the past talked to a couple of his friends about him, not in depth, but just on the surface, and they told me he's always been wierd about relationship stuff, and he's just always been like he is with me. one of his friends that i talked to was engaged at the time and told me that he didn't know how i'd stayed with him like i had, and i told him never to doubt that i love the boy...he said he didn't, and that he hoped for my sake that it got better....i dont know that it has....in some respects its gotten a little worse.
and i find that it gets even worse when i get too passive/shy/scared to stand up to him, if i stand up to him he backs down immediately. and all of my friends really get upset with me, because literally i've always been the "bitch" of the group that never took crap from anyone...and i let him walk all over me. i wish i could find my inner strength against him i guess and stand up to him more. since the night that he called me a "f'n fat ass" i've really been more vocal with him in standing up for myself, which i feel good about.
i just dont know, i mean i dont know how to deal with the love that i do have for hte good in him. it's like one day i hate him because he's such an ass, then the next day he's great, i couldn't ask for a better boyfriend, and i love him more than anything. i really do feel like he needs to talk to a therapist. and i'm going to remain vocal about that because i know i'll shortly be starting my masters in psychology. he just wont let me help him, when i try to talk to him about sutff he tells me he doesn't need my "dr.phil psychobabble bull'hockey'"...which also makes me angry b.c i'm avid about disliking dr.phil and oprah alike. haha..but anyway......

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 11:19am

Since you can't force *him* to get therapy, your best bet is to get into therapy yourself to figure out why you would stay with someone who treats you like this and hopefully find the strength to end it.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2002
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 12:44pm

ITA.
OP you need to look at yourself here. All around you there are red flags waving. They are coming from his FAMILY and FRIENDS as well as your own experience. You are in love with his potential. You are in love with who you hope he can be.
I've been there done that in my twenties. My only regrets are that I stayed too long. That I wasted most of my twenties with someone who had a personality disorder that he was not capable of changing. Nor did he want to change for that matter.
You can hope all you want that he will love you for the right reasons but it is sincerely doubtful. Understand that only about 1% of abusers ever actually change and that is through A LOT of hard work, behavior modification and treatment.
You really do need to get yourself some therapy to see why you actively choose to stay in abusive relationships.
He's going into law enforcement? That's pretty scary. But a lot of bullys go into law enforcement because otherwise they would be considered criminals for their abusive behavior.
You should visit the toxic relationships board at I village. There is a woman married to a cop that has no where to turn because who do you turn to when your abuser is in law enforcement?

P.S. The word "sarcasm" has it's root in two words. It literally means "to tear flesh"



iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 3:03pm

You cannot help him because you cannot even help yourself.

I am surprised to hear that you are going for your Masters in Psychology because it is apparent that in 3 1/2 years you did not even recognize that he was being abusive. Additionally, you also should know that abuse is not about you - abusers abuse everyone (as he does his family) - they usually do not discriminate. Yet you are questioning whether he is attracted to you or not because he makes fun of your cankles and calls you a fat pig?

You are in no condition to help anyone but yourself.




Edited 7/25/2006 3:15 pm ET by r_e_s_p_e_c_t
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2002
Wed, 07-26-2006 - 1:03am

You're what? Starting a masters program in psychology? Sooooo... how much psychology have you studied so far?

I have a lowly bachelor's degree in education, which required a few psychology courses, but NOTHING that would prepare me to seek a master's. So logic tells me, you MUST have had far more training than I have had - but that's where I'm stumped! Even my few courses taught me LOADS about abusive behaviors. Didn't yours???

I can't wrap my brain around the fact that you've had to have had some psychology courses, yet you can't see what this guy is doing NOR have a clue about why you're so addicted to him. Go back and read all your posts - and look at what you're saying with a psychologist's eyes, not your own.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't grad students in psychology required to have a mentor/therapist of their own from the university??? As in, therapy to exorcise the student's demons so they'll be fit to counsel their own patients?

You have a problem, my dear. Physician, heal thyself - before you go out there to heal others who are in the same situation.

Msfit

edited to add:
It feels kinda strange advising you about how this guy is abusing you, with the new light that you're in training as a psychologist - it's like my doctor asking ME why he's got a runny nose, feverish, sore throat, coughs - and do I think he might be allergic to something... good grief, no, he's got a cold. Even *I* could see that - and he can't? Sign me out, nurse...




Edited 7/26/2006 1:10 am ET by msfit777

                  &nbs

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