Huh?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2006
Huh?
10
Thu, 12-09-2010 - 9:37pm
what does it mean when my friend tells me that he doesn't want me to get hurt (and explained in tears why recently) by being with me but then he treats me like we're dating? We have sex, he makes me dinner, gives me money, offers to pay when we go to the store, he opens my car door for me, holds and kisses my hands, gives me messages, tells me he loves me, asks me if I would mind being a military wife ( because he's trying to join the navy), jokes around when I mention a guys name and says "who is he? I'll kill him!" but then tells me things like if I join the military I don't think I could be in a long distance relationship and I'm not responsible enough to be a husband and a father? One minute that he is dead set in his decision to never allow himself to fall in love with me by recently he said that he's fallen in love with me? He tells me that we're both not ready to be in a relationship yet bed we both just got out of one yet when I ask him if he wants me to quit talking to him in order for us to get our space, he's like " no, no! I don't want you to go away". I really do love this man and want to be with him when the time is right. Men... Please give me some insight.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
In reply to: donnakny24
Thu, 12-09-2010 - 11:21pm

Donna, I know you want a male opinion, but there aren't many around at present.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
In reply to: donnakny24
Fri, 12-10-2010 - 8:46am

He likes the companionship/connection/SEX but is afraid of having the OBLIGATION of a "relationship" because he can't/won't/doesn't want to meet someone's expectations.

Many men are this way. It is confusing to women because women think "if he treats me like we're in a relationship then we're in a relationship" but it's not really true. He's only doing what comes naturally to him... Giving you affection and kindness... But he hasn't made a conscious decision to be with you as someone you can rely on in tough times, who is expected to live up to a certain standard, and who has obligations to you beyond kissing your hands and opening the door for you.

Of course he doesn't want you to go away, he enjoys what he has with you. If he won't be in a relationship with you because he's afraid of hurting you, then you would do well to listen to him because he's telling you what's going to happen. He sounds like a sweet guy with a good heart who doesn't have much to offer. I have seen and dealt with a multitude of men like these - Sometimes they get their act together, sometimes they don't. But in this "phase" they are not commitment-material. Tell him to come back to you when he knows what he wants.

Hand-kissing, door-holding, dinner-making, massages, and future-talk are BAIT that a man puts on a hook to snag a woman's interest. I'm not saying his gestures are insincere, but he sounds like he plans on letting you flop helplessly around the bottom of the boat once he has you reeled in.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2006
In reply to: donnakny24
Fri, 12-10-2010 - 8:10pm
No, we haven't been on dates because we both agree that neither one of us is ready to be on a relationship since we both just got out of a relationship. And part of the reason he and his girl broke up is bec he told her he slept with me and that I was pregnant (at the time I thought I got pregnant by him). He says that their relationship was already ending by the time we had sex so he does not want to blame the break up entirely on me. His parents are divorced and live in another state and he barely talks to them so, no I haven't met them. He has shown me family pics though. He is currently going to a "shrink" to help get his life together and he had offered to take me out for dinner for my birthday next wk. There's more info if it helps.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2006
In reply to: donnakny24
Fri, 12-10-2010 - 8:19pm
Oh and the only friends he has live in another state so no, I haven't met them. Anyone that he knows here... I know and have met except for his ex.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2006
In reply to: donnakny24
Sat, 12-11-2010 - 6:30pm

You two are close friends with benefits.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2006
In reply to: donnakny24
Sun, 12-12-2010 - 10:42am
That's wierd. Why would he be ok with you guys traveling and going "everywhere" together but he no showed when you asked him out? And also did you make it clear to him why you decided to stop talking to him before you cut off communication with him? One thing I forgot to mention and since everyone keeps bringing it up is that he decided that as should stop having sex for now because he needs to focus on getting his life together and I want to focus on getting to know him better and healing from my soon to be ex husband. It's wierd bed he actually sounds like a pretty decent man and doesn't come across as someone who is just screwing me for conveniene. Like I just don't get that vibe from him. I mean he just told me all these reasons why he likes me and whenever I need help with something he always offers to come and help me. I hope this can develop into something more and I'd love to know what I could do to help make that happen. I love him and he loves me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2006
In reply to: donnakny24
Sun, 12-12-2010 - 1:28pm
He no-showed because it meant HE would have to make an effort. He had no problem with me going to see him and staying with him because it was easy for him. But the minute he would have to do any work (i.e. drive to my place) he wasn't interested, because that wasn't part of the deal. He felt since he'd explained to me a year earlier that we weren't in a relationship, I should have been clear on that and shouldn't have been asking for anything. And no, I didn't bother explaining. Why? In the hopes he'd change his mind? Why when he HAD been clear about not wanting a relationship and I chose to stick around hoping that because of all the time we spent together that we would somehow end up BF and GF. Didn't happen and was never going to happen, no matter how long I chose to go along with it.

I'm sharing this because I know what it's like to stick around a guy who says plain and clear he doesn't want a relationship hoping he'll change his mind. I was totally great to him, supportive, helpful, enthusiastic in bed...but it didn't matter because he DID NOT WANT A RELATIONSHIP. Period. When a guy goes to the trouble to say that, you really need to listen.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2006
In reply to: donnakny24
Fri, 12-17-2010 - 10:38pm
He recently took me out on a date this week. And he brought me whatever I wanted for 2 days. He even even offered to take me to the movies but I was feeling Ill so we rented one instead
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2006
In reply to: donnakny24
Thu, 12-23-2010 - 1:31am
I have been in a very similar situation to yours stillstanding1019 and can relate a lot. I'm so glad that you have gotten out of that and can see it for what it is now, and won't fall into that trap again. I know I won't!!
It is hard to hear from a guy that they were just with you because you were "convenient," when you had thought they actually valued having you as a friend and more....
Don't ever cheapen yourself again (stillstanding and donnakny) by giving more than what the guy is willing or ready to offer.
I completely agree with your statements stillstanding.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2006
In reply to: donnakny24
Thu, 12-23-2010 - 1:32am
Donnakny4, I also feel like maybe the fact that you are going through a divorce right now might have put you in an emotionally vulnurable position. That might be why you are staying with this man, instead of listening to your better judgement - which I know is telling you to get away from him because otherwise you would not have posted on here with concern for yourself and telling us that he has told you he does not want to be the man in your life.