I almost slept with him

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2005
I almost slept with him
41
Fri, 08-11-2006 - 4:01pm

Hi everyone, thanks for reading. I posted sometimes in the past but not too often. Please don't be too harsh on me because I get hurt otherwise...

I have a story about a guy that I would like to share. It's kind of long and probably complicated. I met a man during a ball game last month; (pls. consider I am currently in a different country, not in the US). I was at a get together at a private small informal house party. I was not feeling too well, I had just had a fever and was getting over it but decided to go to this party. The man I am referring to walked in only after the game started, but we started talking during the game because he was making remarks about the players, and since he thought he was being rude for yelling at the game, was excusing himself. We talked very little because you can imagine the tense environment of a ball game (not like in the US), plus I was trying to watch and enjoy the game myself. In any case, I noticed he showed interest in me because he came over and gave me a hug as a result of our team having won. It so happened that I ended up hanging out with some friends we have in common and him as well, we went out and walked around town all evening celebrating our victory. I thought he was hot, and still think so, but did not think anything else, I had no idea what to expect because he mentioned to me he has a girlfriend, but it was very brief when he mentioned it, and I did not ask him any questions, wasn't really paying attention to say the truth, wasn't expecting much-I concluded the guy just wanted to get some action as a result that night, actually I wasn't really thinking too straight, I was tired and excited at the same time because of the game. However, about his gf, all I knew was he has not seen his gf in ages (7-8 months) because she lives really far in a different country, although I later found out, a week after seeing him that they've been together long distance four years; it's not that he didn't want to tell me, I just never asked, and it never came up because I thought he did not want anything from me, and why should it matter at this point...I just thought he wanted a booty call. To make a long story short, I know I am guilty just as he is, but we ended up making out that night to the point where we got kind of sexual but did not have sex or foreplay, just kissing and touching, but it was hot. This went on for a few hours, then he took me home and dropped me off in the morning before sunrise. He asked for my contact info and we managed to get together a second and third time. The second time we got together and went out on a date, and we held hands in public, and acted as if we were a couple, we made out, but no sex; We had a fun time, and I really enjoyed spending time with him, and he even walked me home. I kept finding him more and more appealing and attractive...and I can't quite put my finger on it. That evening (the second time I saw him), he actually had already invited me to go to his place for dinner the coming weekend and said he wanted to cook for me, and I told him I wasn't sure...but ultimately I said yes. I was not sure what was going on, still confused...why would this guy want to cook me dinner...why not just have sex and forget about it, if that is what he wants...but in any case attracted and wanting to spend time with him, I said yes without thinking about it too much, but feeling nevertheless a bit weirded out b/c I wasn't sure, why would he do this for me. He told me later that night he was looking for something more than just sex. I thought the whole time all he wanted was sex though, so some things happened as a result...he came to pick me up, he cooked me dinner, and... we engaged in foreplay, and I realized that I am really attracted to this guy, very rarely can a guy turn me on like this...this man has a killer body, and is just very manly and appealing to me. Well, in the end we did not have sex. There were two chances to have sex, the night, and the morning after, but both incidents resulted negatively. Let me explain. Although I would have gladly had intercourse with him, I don't know when he asked me if he could put on a condom I did not say anything...actually, I wanted it very badly but I was afraid he would judge me, or that it would ruin it, and I was thinking of his gf...all very bad timing. I don't remember whether then he asked if I could perform oral sex on him, I believe it happened before he asked to put on a condom to have intercourse, in any case I turned down the oral sex because I did not feel I wanted to take any risks with STDs and I also feel it's too personal so soon with someone new--I don't know what got into me, I have done it with so many guys before without thinking twice. And the day after, I don't know why I was sleeping next to him, and I could not contain myself, I told him I wanted to kiss him, but I really wanted to have sex with him...so, I guess he thought that I wanted to have sex (which is a true assumption), but I think he felt he wanted to wash up since he had not done so yet and he suggested we go in the shower. I agreed, but when the moment came to go in the shower, I started getting self-conscious, and started thinking, and as he kept coming towards me, I kept stepping back, away from him, and I rejected him! In the meantime he was having a full erection...but I felt so uncomfortable about the whole thing, and I am sure he ended up feeling rejected, and I ended up getting angry at myself for not being able to overcome the feeling of pressure and not being able to just let go, but what happened is we never really talked about it because he stormed out of the bathroom. The next day, he emailed me and called me to let me know that he felt bad about the situation, but I did not feel comfortable and waited two days to get back to him!...after which, he came to see me at my workplace by surprise during the week because although we had talked about meeting up he said he could not see me that evening...and that was the last time I saw him! He said he stopped by to see if I was still angry at him. I honestly thought he just felt guilty and wanted to say goodbye to me in person, and having thought this I was very hurt as a result and insulted, and showed it...
I tried communicating and finding a time to explain in person, but it's been weeks now, he has found all sorts of reasons for not meeting up...Since I tried getting some reaction out of him through some messages, he finally wrote that he was in the wrong because besides having a girlfriend and being too busy, although he would like to see me, he is currently experiencing work-related and personal problems..., and to believe him that he does not have the time now. And that was the last time I heard from him...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2005
Mon, 08-14-2006 - 2:08pm

Well, it DOES sound like he is a fairly good guy, and if he just wanted sex, like you said, he probably wouldn't have ever called back. He certainly wouldnt' have acted the way he did after the shower incident, and probably would have at least showed a tad bit of anger if he WAS just looking for sex. The whole long distance girlfriend thing could be screwing up his mind.


I might just try one more time to connect with him, and ask him some pointed questions, like was he disappointed you didn't sleep with him, did he feel guitly about fooling around with you when he has a "girlfriend", does he in fact want to see you, but needs to figure out his whole girlfriend situation. Tell him how you feel as well, honesty breeds honesty.


Good luck, and let us know how it goes...


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2005
Thu, 08-17-2006 - 4:50pm

Thank you for your reply.

Has anyone else read my weird post? I can imagine it's either too long to read or it sounds too complicated.

Well, in response, the deal is...the reason I felt uncomfortable is because he blurted out details at the wrong time. He mentioned he had a girlfriend while we were just about to make out, and when asked, he told me he had had sex about three weeks before...I understand that men have biological reasons, but maybe if I would have found out at a better time, rather than in the shower, I think it would have been better!

In addition, I did mention to him that if I had offended him, I did not mean to; however, I'm not sure how many of you would agree that after the fact of having rejected him in the bedroom, it may have bruised his ego to the point that it's probably not something that I can make up for...

...and there's another detail...I'm actually back in the States, got back just a few days ago....you can probably add that factor to the equation, and the reason why it did not work...However, since I AM from Europe, it's definite that I WILL be in that country again, and there COULD be an opportunity to meet this man again.

If I had to follow your advice, at this point, I could probably send him a brief email explaining some of the stuff you mentioned, but I don't know if at this point I'll need to. I did like him, but there WAS a feeling I had that was telling me not to enter into dangerous territory...I think I've been bruised before, and also have little faith in situations like these. I'm sorry it didn't work out, but for some reason it didn't feel like the right opportunity; Maybe it's too early to judge, and by the time a few weeks will have gone by, I'll end up regretting some of my feelings or impressions, and I'll be wondering why I'm alone again, but maybe it was for the best...maybe I'll see him again, maybe at a better time in his life, who knows. But, this happens a lot, I meet someone, and there is always something that I don't feel like settling for, I always feel like the person is never good enough for me for one reason or the other...how is that possible? I'm not perfect either, and I still don't get how I can be so choosy. If something is meant to happen with this person again, I'm sure it will at some point... Despite the fact that it didn't work, I don't feel as worthless as I have felt in other situations...Yes, it would have been better if he hadn't got involved with me in the first place, and me with him, but I don't feel like I've disrespected myself or that he disrespected me that much...I mean, in other situations where the guy never responded at all, I've felt so much worse, and this guy did respond and told me the reason why he wasn't able to go out with me--which, I do believe to be true in part--for how much of an excuse it may be, so, I don't know, maybe I've been around a lot of inconsiderate people in the past, so I'm actually grateful in the end...

Thanks again for reading and for the feedback.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2005
Thu, 08-17-2006 - 5:32pm
p.s. I still have a lingering doubt though. Could he have been honest when saying that he wants to see me, but to believe him that he cannot right now? Why bother writing that at all? Maybe some men may not have the courage to reject a woman completely and are afraid to hurt you, so they try to make it sound better than it is...and I would tend to think it's quite common when you are dealing with a smaller society too, such as the one where this all took place, because the man may want to try and 'save face', not look bad.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-17-2006 - 5:45pm

I'm having a little trouble following here...but if I'm reading correctly, this guy wanted to cheat on his girlfriend with you, and that almost happened but not quite, and now you're wondering whether he's being honest about why he can't see you?

Why bother even giving it another thought? Does it really matter *why* he's not going to cheat on his girlfriend with you, at least not right now??? You avoided getting involved in a sordid situation...be thankful for that and move on!

Sheri

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-17-2006 - 5:46pm

Seriously????

A "fairly" good guy??? Except for the small part where he's a cheater???

I don't get that at all...

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2005
Fri, 08-18-2006 - 12:10pm

Thanks everybody for your responses.

Hello Sheri,

Thanks for your reply! I agree with what you are saying. What do you mean by 'at least not right now'?

.

Thanks again!

t

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-18-2006 - 12:19pm

What I meant by that is, he's saying that his not being able to see you now is situational (being busy, the GF, etc) so that could change. Of course, even if it DOES change, he's still someone who was on the verge of cheating on his GF, so he would be very likely to do the same to you if you got involved with him.

Of course, he might have just said that (and alluded to more of a dating situation) because he thought that was what you wanted to hear, since most women would not be cool with just casual sex.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2005
Fri, 08-18-2006 - 12:27pm
I was going to mention this sooner but was having trouble with my pc...I think that still it should probably be mentioned, without trying to find excuses for people's behaviors, but objectively speaking, there is a difference between relationships and/or men from other cultures due to a bunch of reasons. In any case, I know of so many weird stories of people I know getting involved with oneanother "resulting from" other relationships they were already in (I don't know if this has anything to do with the US vs. Europe factor of relationships/dating...they were both involved in other relationships when they met and basically cheated on their significant other with the new person, though they did break it off fairly quickly), and it pretty much seems to be the norm; For this reason, I don't know whether it's unrealistic to think that relationships can start out'normally', and even when they do, they don't always seem to last.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2005
Fri, 08-18-2006 - 12:39pm

Well, it's all in the eyes of the beholder. I've met women with whom cheating is an unforgiveable offense (and guys too), and met people who would forgive someone. I've also met people who think even talking to another person of the opposite sex is cheating. Everyone has their own lever of forgiveness, and their own definition.


In this case, having been in a LDR, I know that they ARE harder, and sometimes the end isn't very clear. People get much more confused in LDR's, without seeing their SO's on a regular basis. Now I don't know the details of his relationship with his girlfriend, the guy WAS upfront about it. He could have not said anything, but he did. And she could have stopped everything right then and there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2005
Fri, 08-18-2006 - 12:47pm

I just think everyone is different. There are people that get married early, before they even know what they want, and end up getting divorced and finding love that lasts. There are high school sweethearts that marry right after HS and have wonderful happy marriages.


Everyone has a story how they started their relationship, good or bad (and that even depends on the person). Unless I'm going to stand up and tell my story and ask everyone to judge me, I am going to try not to judge anyone not offering the same.


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