I am SO MAD....LET DOWN

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2007
I am SO MAD....LET DOWN
42
Sun, 09-12-2010 - 8:13pm

I am not feeling ANY warm fuzzies...toward any man right now...except my father who has been faithful to my mother for over 47 years.



My girlfriend recently died of cancer...1 month ago....



Her and her husband had the fairy tale marriage...they adopted a son from Russia 6 years ago...and a year later found out she had an aggressive cancer.



She was a fighter....he fought with her....he supported her, loved her, protected her...she was his world by all appearances...they were a couple that everyone envied...he lived, breathed and everything CHRISTINE.

Missy

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2010
Sun, 09-12-2010 - 8:30pm

>>>Don't I have the right to tell him that he should have respect for ME....the neighbor (65 year old lady who was close to his wife is watching this woman show up in her

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Sun, 09-12-2010 - 9:14pm

Missy,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-1999
Sun, 09-12-2010 - 11:39pm

"She was a fighter....he fought with her....he supported her, loved her, protected her...she was his world by all appearances...they were a couple that everyone envied...he lived, breathed and everything CHRISTINE. For better or for worse....he was there....that is all the praise I will give him for now."

That's all the praise he needs both for now or forever. He honored his vows to her and stood by her through better or worse, in sickness and in health. That's what he vowed to do and that's what he did. You should be praising him from the rooftops for it and not giving him grudging respect. Not many men would do what he did.

And now, guess what? She's gone. And so are their vows. You know, till death do us part? It did and she's not coming back. And most likely he did his mourning while she was still alive.

He still has who knows how many years left. And I'm sure that his wife, wherever she is, wants him to be happy in those years he has left.

Why you want to see him in sack cloth and ashes is beyond my comprehension. He's suffered more than you can possibly imagine and now you want to pile on more suffering? You have NO right to tell him what to do or how to live his life.

"Oh yea...and she is the NEW HOUSEKEEPER."

And I'm sure his wife is very grateful to her for stepping in and fulfilling the role she is no longer able to complete for her husband and son. You can't possibly tell me her wish for her son would have been anything different? I'm sure her primary concern in the afterlife is her son and I'm sure that unlike you, she is grateful for this new presence that has the potential to be a positive force in their lives. Especially after all they've been through.

"I think he is being very stupid and VERY selfish.:

There is selfishness here but not in the direction you are looking.

"I want to tell him that I feel like he needs to have some respect for the OTHER people that are grieving his wife."

If other people believe that their grieving his wife gives them the right to tell him how to live his life, they are WAY OUT OF LINE. What if her were to tell you that your presence, as her friend, makes his life intolerable and his grief requires you to move?

"Don't I have the right to tell him that he should have respect for ME....the neighbor (65 year old lady who was close to his wife is watching this woman show up in her car everyday), his son...and his sister in law? "

No. You have absolutely, totally, completely no right to even think that you have this prerogative, much less convey it to him. You are way way out of line. I'm sure that his wife is happy he has companionship again, and you should be as well. I can't imagine why you think you have the right to layer more grief and sorrow on him.

The best way you can honor her memory is by being happy for them as well. Not by trying to lock him in some arbitrary prison. Unless his wife was a selfish monster I am sure that would be the LAST thing she would want for both of them.

And BTW, I was married for 23 years and with my late DW for 25 years before she lost he 5 year battle with breast cancer, so I know all about this.

dablacksox



Cynic: a blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be.---Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary.

dablacksox


Cynic: a blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be.---Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2007
Sun, 09-12-2010 - 11:53pm

I think everyone grieves differently....



Perhaps this woman is also a friend for him – perhaps someone that has comforted him...Let’s not forget that even though your friend only died 3 months ago, I’m sure he was dealing with his loss longer than that given her cancer was far progressed and he knew the end was coming.



I’ve heard of a lot of cases where the spouses of cancer patients move on rather quickly afterwards....It seems quick to us because we see the death as the end...but for them – living with someone that has a terminal condition means they realize and inevitably come to terms with death even before it happens..



Examples of this....



Famous Chef, Nigela Lawson, “Lawson later married art-collector Charles Saatchi in September 2003, having drawn disapproval when she moved in with him nine months after Diamond's death. Lawson had also come under criticism when it was suggested she started her relationship with Saatchi before the death of Diamond”.



Famous Cricketer Glenn McGrath, “McGrath, still raw from the death of his wife Jane in June, 2008, said he never believed he'd fall in love again. But Ms Leonardi changed all that. Ms Leonardi, an interior designer, met the former Test cricketer at a party in Cape Town in April, 2009, sparking a friendship that blossomed into love later in the year”.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2009
Mon, 09-13-2010 - 12:22am

I'm sorry you lost your friend.



Even if you don't have a "right" to be pissed at him... it still hurts you and that's understandable.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2007
Mon, 09-13-2010 - 12:30am
Your knowledge, insight and opinion tends to lose credibility when you attack someone for their contribution. This is an opinion based forum - not everyone's opinion will align with yours.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2010
Mon, 09-13-2010 - 12:33am
So sorry to hear that, Black Sox. I can't even imagine...
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2007
Mon, 09-13-2010 - 12:57am

Edit 3 months to 3 weeks....



Also, to add, living 5 years with someone

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2002
Mon, 09-13-2010 - 6:03am

Im sorry to hear about the loss of your friend.

And your feelings are reasonable. You are still grieving for your loss. This was not something you expected. It is a reaction that is not unreasonable.

However, his decision is his. And it should be respected, as it is his personal life and his home. It may not be what you want to see happen. But it is still his life and home, he can do as he pleases.

I know my DH was quite upset with his Dad, when less than 3 months after his Mom's death. His Dad announced he was seeing someone. My In Laws had been married almost 40 years, and they had been together over 50 years. FIL has been one of the most devoted husbands I have ever met. And he was by MILs side 1000% all the way through her battle with cancer. At her funeral he gave the most amazing eulogy, the entire room was just filled with tears as her spoke about her. There was absolutely no denying his love for her.

But, he was also very used to having a companion. And while it was shocking, it was also no surprise that he committed himself to a new relationship.

I think the one thing that really stuck with me, is he said "I have grieved for almost 2 years, right along side my wife". He acknowledges to this day how much he misses her. But he also needed to move forward.

DH had a really hard time accepting it, but he eventually did. And FILs girlfriend is a wonderful woman. The complete opposite of MIL, but still a wonderful woman.

Hugs to you. Im sorry you lost such a dear friend.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Mon, 09-13-2010 - 9:19am

I can understand how Missy feels about it but her being hurt by it wasn't caused by him, he didn't set out to hurt her.

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