I didn't say I had a boyfriend
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|Mon, 07-30-2012 - 3:22pm|
I need help from the men here.
I am in my 40's and have a bf. We've been together for quite some time.
In the last year or so I have noticed I am not feeling much joy in the relationship anymore, sadly. Actually, I probably started feeling this earlier. Since that time I've been trying to figure out if I should stay or go. It's been hard.
This spring I developed a crush with a man I work with. I never planned or plan to cross any lines...I just enjoyed the crush, the feelings I had for him because they made me feel happy and alive. I also wanted to figure out what I was feeling and why. It was all a way to get greater clarity on my relationship and on myself. I was sort of living in my own little world enjoying everything about it while gathering information to get clarity.
So while I was feeling these things, and working on a project with this man, I kept it secret I had a bf. I didn't lie I just didn't offer the info. Part of it was unconscious, at least in the beginning. I think right away I liked him. He never asked point blank if I had a bf but he did ask if I lived alone and was married. I said yes and no to these questions, not answering more.
This whole time, I believe, he was flirting with me. He'd do special projects for a lot less, he brought me small gifts, he'd smile a lot, tell me intimate stuff about his life (even his divorce and ex), his background, etc. He told me that I was a "beautiful lady inside and out", compliment me on my dresses, etc etc.
For the most part I just listened and was a friend to him. I also was very professional with him, always paying him on time, supporting his work, etc (he is having a hard time in this economy and I did what I could to help him). But I also loved it, was trying to figure out what these all means in regards to me, my relationship, etc.
I really care about this man. I feel deeply attracted to him. I have not have crossed any line (and do not intend to unless I am totally available). I do understand that I have hid these emotions from my bf, I do grant that, but I am not sure that is wrong while you are just trying to get clarity and understanding. This is just something I wanted to work out myself before I hurt my bf. I really love and respect my bf by the way, just not enjoying the relationship like I used to or know I could (perhaps with someone else).
About two weeks ago he asks...after being there for him when his truck broke down he says "You know, you are such an angel, I bet you have a secret boyfriend". I fessed up. I admitted I had a bf. I told him that I was feeling ambivalent about him and thus didn't want to talk about it. Looking back I can see that is not an excuse but that was my reason. I just wanted to be within myself and figure things out.
After that happened I felt better and more open about things. More honest. I was glad he knew. He didn't seem mad or anything like that. I hoped we could be friends at least.
Next day was the day he spoke about his ex wife in glowing terms. I posted about it here. That she was "the perfect woman" and was "very beautiful". His wife dumped him after he the economy fell and he wasn't making a great living anymore yet he still can say nothing bad about her. I felt hurt by these comments and just chocked it up to his not being over her and felt glad that if I were single, I wouldn't have to compete with her. I also felt annoyed he was so loyal to her while she was not to him. It was a mixture really. While he was saying this, I was pretending to be his friend (and really felt that was how I was being) but later realized how hurt I was with these comments. Of course he didn't mean to attack me, but I was sad perhaps he is not over his wife and maybe never will be. I felt that if he says these things to me, he must not be into me at all even though all his flirting and comments about a "date", etc said otherwise.
But despite that...my feelings have not gone away. This weekend I had a big desire to tell him I am sorry I wasn't totally upfront. I want to tell him (still) that it wasn't that I meant to mislead him but that I was feeling things for him and wanted to enjoy it and get understanding and clarity. I just wanted to remain inward while I was going thru this strange time. I want to tell him I am very sorry for not being more open with him...for I fear he feels hurt by it or maybe disgusted or disrespected. I don't know what he feels about it. Maybe nothing. I don't know.
I told a couple of friends about these thoughts and both said "no"! Both said do NOT tell him. They both said he should be flattered and get the hint that I liked him and that was the reason I didn't mention him. The man I asked said "no, be a mystery". I feel I've been a "mystery" for many months now...now I feel that real feelings might be involved I want to say something. I want to clear the air. I could see him feeling like he was being played and I absolutely don't want him to feel that way. I care about him. There was no way I was using him at all. I have felt intense heart energy around him since the beginning. So much so I feel an ache.
So I didn't tell him even though I had these strong wish to tell him. I really had so strong feelings for him when it all started...I still wish I could confess them so at least, if me and my current bf break up, I would know if he is interested.
Last Friday we met for business and I was constantly wondering if he still liked me (if he really did at all). He was friendly but not as before. At the end he gingerly asked my plans for this weekend and if I was going to the city where my bf lived. I just answered in general what I am doing. He said "call if you need anything". He used to say this a lot "call for anything, anything you want". When we parted I felt sad and empty.
I can understand if he is just as confused as I am because I've been giving him mixed messages. Sometimes I was flirting back (couldn't help it) but then out of fear, or not wanting to ruin a professional relationship, I'd revert back to being professional...out of respect to him. Sometimes I acted like his friend, supportive of his healing of divorce being a willing ear, etc. So I've been confusing, too, I am sure.
Yesterday, Sunday was the day I felt a strong desire to tell him sorry. I tried to call but no pick up. I tried a few times morning then afternoon...no pick up. I thought maybe he had lost his phone for he usually calls me back and welcomes my calls. That was when I asked for friends advice and they said "no". I let it go. So I let it go for now.
Forward today. He calls me up and is totally businesslike with me. No warmth like before, no "how was your weekend". Nothing.
I feel very sad right now. He has a right to withdraw if that is what it is.
Do you think I should apologize for not being more upfront? I want to make sure he knows I did not intend to hurt him. He never asked why I wasn't upfront. If a woman did this to you, would you feel flattered?
My heart is aching over him and this. I know we can't date and I accept this. I just wish I could tell him how I feel. I wish he could know. My heart is dying to tell him how I feel.
Disaster? Foolishness? Am I deluding myself?
Oh, we have a working relationship. I feel I need him for his services and I hire him for stuff and need him for future projects. So I am sure we are both fearful or of ruining that and making things weird. That's the last thing I want and thus on of the reason's I held back all this time and have been mercurial. I feel, though, I am mature in this regard and can keep things professional. I've always always respected his work and his time. I care about him, why would I be different?
One thing I know...I am going to be true to how I feel. If I don't feel like his friend, I am not going to pretend and take on that role. I am going to try to be true to how I feel and not give him mixed messages.
Oh, you can berate me for exploring how I feel with this man. I am doing the best I can figuring out things.