I don't get it

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2000
I don't get it
7
Fri, 09-03-2010 - 11:27am

My boyfriend and I have been together for a total of 1 year and 2 months, since last June. 8 of those months he was out of the country. We maintainted our relationship via email, skype and IM, and we visited each other twice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2007
Fri, 09-03-2010 - 11:41am

It seems that most of his actions speak, but where is the verbal affection to back it all up. <<<


He's just not verbal about it


Nothing wrong, he's just not going to say it how or when you want


Good distraction frees us from emotional pain, bad distraction gives you a mouth full of whizz. ~~~ Guru Tugginmypudha
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2006
Fri, 09-03-2010 - 3:04pm

Some people just aren't vocal and it may not come easy for him to say. Maybe he never heard it growing up and finds it difficult.



28999825.jpg picture by nhgal2006

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Sat, 09-04-2010 - 4:25pm

I really think it's important to be with someone who "gets" you, who knows how to speak your language and vice versa. It's a miserable existence trying to maintain a relationship where you feel you have to push the other person to make you happy in ways that you need to be happy. Trust me, I've tried it several times.

It is obvious to me that he is a person who is not willing to communicate with you on a level that makes you feel loved and fulfilled.

A book that may help your understanding is called Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. But, truly, after only a year I would not be looking to fit a round peg into a square hole. That's what this sounds like.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2010
Sat, 09-04-2010 - 5:05pm

...>>>We don't get intimate that often, and I'm not sure what the problem is. His parts are working just fine. I think it is emotional on his part....<<<


Imo, not being interested in sex with

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-1999
Sun, 09-05-2010 - 7:53am

People all have different ways of giving and receiving love. He may just prefer to be somebody who shows his love by being attentive. He may feel that just saying "I love you" is all talk, or he may have grown up in a house where love just wasn't shown that way very often. It doesn't mean he loves you any less just because he doesn't say it often as you'd like.

There may be something similar happening with the physical intimacy, or he may be uncomfortable with it for some reason.

If these things are bothering you, then you should speak to him about them. You can also see if there are things he may be missing from you since your ways of showing love may be different. Hopefully the issues will get resolved. If not, then you need to figure out if this is really the relationship you want for the rest of your life or not.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2009
Sun, 09-05-2010 - 11:31am

I was in a

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2008
Mon, 09-06-2010 - 8:29pm

I'm in similar dillemma. Could anyone give insights?

My bf and I together abt 1 year. I know that neither of us are particularly verbal when it comes to feelings but last Sunday the incident really confused me.
When about to sleep I asked him if he loves me. He caught off guard and didn't answer the very question. So I asked if he couldn't say it, he says he CAN but he's shy and he'D say when it's the right time, not a random Sunday night. How is it so hard to answer that I say.
Anyway, I never told him I love him in a serious manner nor he said these things in the past.
But it didn't bother me till now because I never doubted he actually does love me.
I understand he didn't grow up hearing these words. When his lil brother visited from abroad, he didn't say goodbye with I love you when the brother was leaving.

But i'm confused now. How is that he asks if I want to visit his home country when his parents are culturally kind of strict, yet he has hard time saying the words.
Is it because he simply doesn't love me? Doesn't feel like he doesn't...

Someone said I should break up with him because it's pretty much not normal.

What do you think?