I don't understand, but maybe I do

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2010
I don't understand, but maybe I do
16
Mon, 04-12-2010 - 5:12pm

I'm Vicky, and kind of new. I was around when ivllage was first starting. Anyway, I've been seperated for 3 years now. He took our sons and moved into his mother's empy house. I know he married me for my mom's money. We agreed that when we got married, if my built us these two houses, one for her and one for us, we would take care of her when she got older. He was going to raise his farm animals across both properties. Anyway, I did take care of mom while my now EX focused on himself. So when I need help, his family swooped in and took over my house.

Mom passed. We tried to stay together and keep the property. We even had his cousin rent the house for 5 years. However, I couldn't live with my husband. He was controlling, abusive and underhanded. I couldn't trust him.

Like I said, we've been seperated for 3 years. Alot of crap has happened between the two of us. He took the boys. Everyone asks why he has the boys, because he left me with a house that's run down, I'm in debt because of him and I can't afford to get an attorney. Well, now I can, because I have sold off my mom's property and paid off the debt on her estate. Ex did help me take care of the place. He paid for repairs and for the taxes. The estate is reimbursing him for that. However, he is also charging the estate $50 a week for lawn care. We had a verbal agreement to take care of mom so he could have the animals on her property. I never hired him to mow the lawn. I never agreed to do this while his sheep got free board. So now he wants money. He just did it. I didn't know that he was going to charge the estate. Greedy, Greedgy

Well things are moveing along. I'm getting closer to being able to hire an attorney to sue for custody and then the divorce. He still has sheep on my property. I allow this so he will pay his part of the bills. Each month it's a fight because nothing is in writing. He has more money than I do and he has his families money too. I have next to nothing. I want to move on, find another path and I'm preparing for it. Moving towards it.

He seems happy to keep things as they are. Well, I don't. I want my sons, I want to know what they are doing and how they are doing. I can't go down to where they live because I will be kicked off. So he brings them up to me. Six months ago I've changed the locks and what a freeing experience that was. He would go through the house and take what he wanted. He's using me and I'm using him. So now that I have some of the the money from the estate, it's time to place it in the courts hands. I think he has his cake and get's to eat it too......but now when I go to court, My attorney says he doesn't have a pot to piss in.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Mon, 04-12-2010 - 5:59pm

Good luck, Vicky.

I know that it's hard but I think that you need to stop being considerate and nice to your ex-husband. Like the sheep thing. That sounds like another example of him using you. You say you're doing it so he'll pay the bills - but really its about him threatening to not pay the bills to make you keep his sheep there. Try playing hard ball with him for a change. If you're still married aren't they your sheep too? Are you entitled to sell them? That would cover the bills for a while, wouldn't it? Check with your attorney.

You listen to your attorney. I hope you've got a good one. You get the things that are yours. Don't bother taking your ex for every single red cent he has and try to get things that are crazy; but do make sure that you get everything that you're entitled to get.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2010
Mon, 04-12-2010 - 6:20pm
A friend of mine suggested I take one sheep out a day or clip the fence and just let them loose. I just want someone else to be the arbitrator. I want some to tell him "bad boy" "stop that"
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2010
Mon, 04-12-2010 - 6:47pm

Vicky, nobody would take my sons away from me. Also you don't need money to get a divorce attorney, they can get paid out of the proceeds of the divorce settlement. It sounds like there is more to this story. ???

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2002
Mon, 04-12-2010 - 7:57pm

good luck to you Vicky,

It sounds like you have been a very patient person, and hopefully that patience will make up for all the heartache and hardwork you have had to endure.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2010
Tue, 04-13-2010 - 1:59pm
Sorry, but there isn't. The arroney would not take my case unless I prepaid for everything. I'm also attempting a bankruptcy and the attorney wants their money and not have be paid for. We tried to have the attorney buy my mother's estate, but I would have lost most everything that way. We had to wait until the house was sold and I got what was left over. My ex left me totally penniless. I'm even driving a 16 year old jeep that has been restored after it was totaled because my ex dropped my auto insurance (that he agreed to pay for.) I got a full time job, but it was only minimum wage. Not much was left over after gas, electric, insurance, food, heating oil, telephone, taxes and such. My ex only claims to make $3,800 in his income taxes after he teaches 50 students at $17 a student. You add up the math and tell me where the rest of the money goes? I can't even go to legal aid because they don't take divorce cases in my county unless there is already a PFA on my ex husband. I've tried child services, welfare, I've begged lawyers to help me and I would make payments. My minister has helped and so has the local catholic charities and local community ministries. I've had the unfortunate luck of loosing my job twice in the last 3 years, breaking my elbow and shoulder and being off work because the store I worked for said I was 1 week away from being eligible for disability pay. I've totaled my vehicle and then the tenet I had in my mother's house/estate moved out and I had to cover her mortgage on top of that. Is that enough for you?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2003
Tue, 04-13-2010 - 2:37pm
Im a lil confused.....
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2010
Tue, 04-13-2010 - 2:56pm

In the state of Pennsylvania, there is no legal seperation. Yes, I'm entitled to the boys at least have of the time. But my ex is very controlling. When the boys are not in school, they are on his families property. I'm not allowed on the property. Without anything from the courts, I can't get them off the property whether or not I'm entitled. I could remove them from school, but I'm not going to play games with them and confuse them even more. I had to take on so many jobs when we seperated, I wouldn't have been able to take care of them anyway. I worked from 7 a.m. to 9 p.m.I can't get joint custody without paying the attorney $1,000 just to file the custody agreement not to mention on top of that legal and court fees. Every time I had the $1,000 saved up a catastraphe would occur. $3,000 to fix the jeep, and on top of that, I've had to pay $3,000 in repair bills over the last 3 years. When I broke my elbow, I didn't get any pay.

You try enforcing that he pay half of the bills when there is nothing from the court to back me up. Like I said, he's a controlling person who KNOWS everything. My father-in-law went through the exact same thing when my ex were my boys ages. We live in the mountains and my ex and his family are very back wood. Mountain people. They'd sooner shoot you and then ask questions. If I did have the boys without being prepared, how was I going to get child care for them. How was I going to get them on the bus or off the bus or make dinner or go over homework. I don't have any family to help me out. He has a whole support system. Even if I would have gone to court, I wouldn't have gotten them unless it was visitation or on weekends.

Now I have the time. Now I have the money. It's not like I haven't tried. I've knocked on every door not only once, but maybe 5 times or more. I've had people go to bat for me only to give me the same answers. I am a well educated woman who has basically had her kids abducted from her. This is no different if my ex would have taken them clear across the country or is where he is a mile down the road.

If you were speaking to a woman who's children were abducted, would you tell her you don't understand why she doesn't have her children? Why doesn't she just drive up to where they are and take them back. If it's that easy, then you come knock on the door with me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2003
Tue, 04-13-2010 - 3:04pm

I went back and re-read your original post for clarification.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2003
Tue, 04-13-2010 - 3:20pm

Part of the problem is that while you want them with you, you cant afford them and dont seem to have the time (working lots of jobs) to handle their schedules (and dont have family as back-up for when you are gone).....

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2010
Tue, 04-13-2010 - 3:25pm

It doesn't matter what's enough for me, you're the one who posted asking for input. I will

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