I feel so sick over this

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2008
I feel so sick over this
11
Sun, 03-07-2010 - 7:08pm

Hey everyone! I am looking for some really good advice here because my friends are all over the place/ divided on this...


I started talking to J for several months. He was on a break from babymama (child is 2 y/o). We have a lot in common and had an instant connection. I was hesitant to start a relationship because he seemed like he might decide to be back with his b.m. and I had gone thru that before with a man. I was upfront and we struck up a friendship. We quickly had feelings for each other and did not act on it romantically

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2010
Sun, 03-07-2010 - 7:26pm

Believe what he does, not what he says, right?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Mon, 03-08-2010 - 9:02am

It's never a good idea to get involved with someone who hasn't ended their current relationship. You seem overly dismissive of his girlfriend. I'd hardly call someone a "baby mama" when it sounds like they'd actually been in a relationship for at least 3 years if they have a 2-year old together.

If he really was finished with his girlfriend, he wouldn't have simply been "on a break", he'd have broken up with her. From her perspective, he was cheating on her with you. Once she found out, he put you on the back burner for a while, which just continued stringing both of you along. When he said he didn't want to break up with his girlfriend unless it was for the "right person", he meant he was going to stay with her unless he liked someone else better. That's hardly showing much character or integrity.

Feelings are always intense early on in the infatuation phase of a relationship. Maybe he's started realizing that he's not feeling as much for you as he'd thought originally. If he's cutting all the conversations short, then it sounds like he's not so interested anymore. If he was, you'd be hearing from him and he would break up once and for all with his girlfriend.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2006
Mon, 03-08-2010 - 9:42am
My suggestion would be to forget about him and find someone who is available for you. He's not over the mother of his child, and his child will and should always come first in his life.





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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Mon, 03-08-2010 - 7:53pm

Look, it's all terribly dramatic of him to be so confused over two women.... poor sad fellow. Can't decide and so conflicted.... boo hoo. What he needs is some balls and to make some decisions. If he'd made some decisions like a real man he wouldn't be in this situation.

CLEARLY he does not want to be with the mother of his baby? Right? He says it very clearly. So why is he still with her? Think about it? Why?

There is one of two things going on here. First, he's so wishywashy that he can't get his act together and make a decision. If that's the case then the mother of his child will ALWAYS call the shots FOREVER even if he ends up with you. She will say "Jump" and he will ask "How high".

Second, he's lying to you. He's stringing you along and has no real intention of trying to make it work with you. He may end up back with her, he may not. But he will NOT commit to you and you are in the wrong place at the wrong time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2008
Tue, 03-09-2010 - 9:09pm

No he doesnt say he is with babymama just for baby. So far he has been honest about the situation. The only thing I don't like is when he pulls away...I don't know if its fear, second thoughts, or he can't handle us both, or what. But when I dont see or hear from him for a few days or weeks that infuriates me. I think that is disrespectful, unless he were to say "I need some time to think" which he has done before.


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2008
Tue, 03-09-2010 - 9:13pm
Maybe he's not interested anymore. Maybe he is.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2008
Tue, 03-09-2010 - 9:16pm

I have seen a couple of your comments on various posts and they are all on putting the child first. Not sure where this is coming from in my case but I never have had nor will I ever have an issue with someone's child. I expect to be first as a man's lover/ girl/ partner/ etc...I have an issue with his indecisiveness over the child's mother...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2008
Tue, 03-09-2010 - 9:18pm

I agree...he is either indecisive/ wishy-washy or he is lying to me. Not sure which yet but both of those look unappealing to me. lol

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Tue, 03-09-2010 - 9:40pm

As I said, No, it doesn't look good for you however it goes.

I'm all for a father wanting and needing to be involved in his child's life. Perhaps even having to make some unsavoury compromises to be able to do that; but it something is seriously screwed up when he's sleeping with two women at the same time and saying that it's all about remaining in his babies life..... He's not confused and its not about the baby and it is about whatever he has below the waist. Even if he ended up with you, you're being well and truely used right now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2007
Tue, 03-16-2010 - 12:07pm
When you become a parent, it becomes very difficult to separate the relationship with the spouse and the baby. They are so entwined. There is guilt about being away from the baby, there are financial considerations, and hope of making the family work. This is why so many of us stay married long after the relationship is dead. Reading your post was interesting. The beginning you are all strong and I am not getting involved. Then when he goes away you are upset and missing him. My advice, stay strong. Don't force a relationship or feelings. If it is meant to be, it will be. Rule of thumb, don't get involved with someone who is still emotionally in a relationship.

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