I need advice...please. I may be in love

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2010
I need advice...please. I may be in love
5
Sun, 04-04-2010 - 10:57am

I am completely confused and haven't a clue what to do. I am recently divorced with 3 children. My ex cheated on me and was emotionally and verbally abusive. I am only 29. I do not miss him. I hate him for ruining my life. I feel like I am "damaged goods" because I am a single mom of 3 boys. I am the one who sought the divorce. I know I should have more confidence then I do. I am very wary of compliments and I am quick to doubt people's intentions. I have to hear something many times before I believe it. Its so hard.

Here's my situation...While I was going through my divorce, I met a guy 5 years younger then me. (I am 29, He is 24) We both work as teachers. He is extremely attractive and everyone's initial reaction to seeing him is "wow." I remember the day he knocked on my door 2 years ago and introduced himself, I was speechless. Then after getting to know him, it was hard to not want to be around him. He was so kind and amazing with his students. He kept finding reasons to pop into my class or play silly pranks and make me laugh. He'd play with my oldest son afterschool and mess around. I only looked at him as a friend. The idea of dating hadn't entered my head. I have 3 boys that are my life and I never want to take any part of me away from them. I never once let myself think otherwise. I shared a lot of my troubles and he would listen/advise. If he knew I was having a bad day, he'd send a cute email to cheer me up. I felt so lucky to have someone to listen and be there for me. We talked everyday through email or texting over the summer. Random stuff, puzzles, jokes, talking about our day. Nothing flirtatious or leading. I learned that he was insanely shy and never really had a relationship in his life. Then the first day back at school when we saw eachother, (I was now divorced) it was very weird. The ease we had around eachother seemed to be gone and it was replaced with nervousness. I ended up asking him what was going on and he told me that he wasn't exactly sure. That my divorce gave him hope for "us" (news to me) but that he was confused. Direct Quote: "It's like there is a chance for us, but maybe not a chance, probably not a chance. Whatever the chance, I never want to ruin our friendship" I wasn't expecting any of this because I truly thought so highly of him. I couldn't understand why on earth he would have any interest in me. (I know I am a good person and I know I am attractive.) I didn't know what to do, so I replied with something like "I never want to talk about this again." We still talk almost daily (email, text, after school), we are doing a triathalon together, he is giving me tennis lessons, but we don't talk too much at school in front of others to dispel rumors. We have never crossed that line. We have our own circles of friends at work, and they barely overlap except for us. The thing is I am usually the one texting him now. (It was 50-50) He texts right back and we will conversate for a while. If I dont text for a few days, he will find a reason to call/text. And the other day, he asked me how long I thought I could go without talking to him. I wasnt sure what he wanted to hear, so I said...a few days?? and he replied with "good, anything longer and I think Id be mad." An intern at the school we work at asked me out and I joking told my friend that if I said yes, I could be labeled as a cougar. He replied with he knew i was a cougar and that is why he has been giving me tennis lessons....(being funny) But now, I think somewhere along the way, I have fallen for him. Like really fallen for him. I think I am in love with him. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. I have tried to make it go away....but it won't. He has never had a long relationship, never "been" with a girl. I'm sure many would advise to tell him, but I am afraid doing so would ruin our friendship. I'm afraid he is just being a friend and I am so wrapped up I'm reading more into it...What do I do??? I need to know if I should go forward with this (if so, HOW????) or get over it. Does it sound like he is interested? Or is he just being a good friend? I haven't had to think about anything like this for the past 9 years!!! I need the truth. Even if it hurts.

Please advise. Thank you so much!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2010
Sun, 04-04-2010 - 11:50am

I don't think replies will

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2010
Sun, 04-04-2010 - 12:29pm
That is what I was afraid of....he totally sees me as just friends and I let myself fall for him. Whoa, this is going to be tough. But, I guess I need to let go. Thanks!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2010
Sun, 04-04-2010 - 2:35pm
Perfect, I didn't mean he didn't like you, I really kind of thought if anything maybe he does. I just meant your life stages seem so far apart to have that much in common for serious or long term. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2009
Mon, 04-05-2010 - 2:23am

The guy was interested in you from what you post but after you said "I never want to talk about this again." HE took it as no and if I got that reply,I too would take it as a big 'no'.Thats how I read your post.

If he still feels the same,who knows? Now that you are falling for him,its you who has to take the first step but do take into perspective that he has never been married,no kids while you have 3 kids to think about.Do you see any long term future with this guy? If you are looking for some fun then it could work out but for a serious one,you have to consider a lot.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Tue, 04-06-2010 - 4:59am

Yeah, he likes you in a romantic way - but I'm not sure how rejected he'd have felt after the "Don't talk about it" speech. He will be suffering the same problems you are now and will be wondering if he's reading too much into what you are saying.

You may have to pretty straightforward and to the point at first and tell him that you'd be interested in dating and seeing each other romantically before he realises that you are serious and genuine.

As newyearpub said, the biggest problem you've got here is the life stages. It could work - I've got a divorced sister in law w/ two kids and she's with a guy ten years younger and they met when he was 24yo. But at the same time, this guy is going to want kids in the future..... and taking on 3 other kids that aren't his? It's a very big ask for a guy.