i need an opinion

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
i need an opinion
10
Mon, 03-31-2003 - 9:47pm
i went on a unofficial "blind date" on friday night,had a fabulous time, and i can say that my guy sincerely enjoyed himself as well...but at the end of the night, we just hugged and he said "keep in touch"...what does THAT mean? i really like this guy and would like to pursue any opportunities available....
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-31-2003 - 10:52pm
It sounds like a blowoff, but if you actually have a way to get in touch with him again and you're doing something you think he'd enjoy, you have absolutely nothing to lose by asking him. If you don't ask, you don't see him. If you ask and he says no, you don't see him. I know the second is painful to think about, but guys have to go through this all the time. And there's a chance you will get to see him again if you ask. I just don't think you have anything to lose at this point.

Now, if you do contact him and suggest something with a firm date and he declines, I wouldn't try again. At that point he'll be assured of your interest and if he returns it, he can ask you out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-01-2003 - 6:24am
If he enjoyed himself, he will call you - if for some reason he is so insecure that he does not want to initiate asking for a second date, is that really someone you want to be with (and yes I do see a double standard - I don't think it would be insecure of you not to call him, and I do think in general men should be allowed to do most of the pursuing in the beginning stages). Typically when I've heard "keep in touch" I have not heard from the guy and I interpreted it to mean - keep in touch - as friends. Hope yours turns out different and if it does not don't see it as a missed opportunity - see it as an opportunity that frees you up to meet others and that was good practice.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-01-2003 - 6:26am
I agree - if the point is "getting to see him" she should ask - but if the point is whether he wants to get to see her or is interested, seeing him again where she asks won't really tell her whether he has a high level of interest - and I've never heard of a man who wasn't interested in a relationship, getting interested because he saw the woman again after she asked him out (other than just as a fling).
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-01-2003 - 7:12am
That's fine, but I think it's well established that you and I don't see eye to ey on this issue. I stand by my advice. After one date she has nothing to lose by initiating contact if she wants to. I've never known a man who was interested in a relationship with someone who decided against it because the woman called.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Tue, 04-01-2003 - 7:13am
He told you to 'keep in touch'...uh oh. Sorry, but, I would take that to mean he doesn't want to seem rude but he really hopes there won't be any contact between you.

Guys who are interested in seeing you again do not end a date with that kind of wishy washy crap. Save yourself the anxiety and time and don't bother calling him - a guy telling you to 'keep in touch' is not an invitation to call and start a relationship with him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-01-2003 - 7:25am
As a guy, I can certainly vouch for ending a date with 'wishy-washy-crap'. I've even had women end a date with bad vibes, and not had it be a negative thing. Point in case, I had a friend, set me with with her friend. The three of us went out together on a psuedo-date. Kind of like a chaperone. Odd concept at the age of 34, but what the heck... Anyway we all talked, saw a really cool movie and generally had a good time. When I dropped her off, she bolted from the car so fast, I barely got a word in. I took this as a sign that she was not interested. In fact it was quite the opposite. She was *extremely* interested. So much so that she was on edge most of the night, and was a nervous wreck by the end of the evening. Fortunately, our mutual friend sorted this out and explained it to me and we continued to date after that.

The point being, sometimes people are just in a weird headspace at the end of a date. I've ended a first date with a hug and "it was fun, have a safe drive home". However, I did follow up the next day with either email or a phone call. Sometimes it takes a bit to digest things and make a decision about what you want next.

I'm not telling the original poster that he was interested. I'm simply countering the "guys don't do that" statement.

Brokk...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-01-2003 - 12:23pm
Yup we disagree. I know of several men - just off the top of my head - who were interested until the woman started being too pushy and they felt overwhelmend and crowded. I feel the same way when a man is too pushy. He may remain interested, but the seed of doubt will be planted and first impressions do count.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-01-2003 - 12:27pm
I didn't suggest she call three times a day. I said once. If a guy can't handle me calling him once, then I don't want to have anything to do with him. I don't fault you your rules, Deena, but not everyone on the entire planet has to follow them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-01-2003 - 12:34pm
I think you two are using different terms. Artie said she didn't know any guys that were scared off of a girl they were interested in, because she initiated a call.

Your response is that you know several guys who have been turned off by someone being "too pushy". I think we can all say that about ourselves as well as any number of people around us. Who wouldn't be put off by someone who was "too pushy".

The problem is... does initiating an occasional phone call (not all the time) meet the common definition of "too pushy". In my book it does not. It also does not among the men I know. Nor does it for Artie. However, for you it does.

Thus the difference...

Brokk...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-01-2003 - 2:30pm
I'm with Brokk on this one...

In my world, a woman who calls a man *once* to ask for a date is not being too pushy. I don't know any men personally who would feel that *one* phone call and date invitation was too pushy. In fact, most men I know personally *love* it when a woman takes the initiative and phones them for a date--even a first date.

BUT...there most certainly IS such a thing as too pushy. I don't think it's gender-based either. If a woman calls a man 2-3 times a day, every day, and makes endless offers to get together (all of which may be politely turned down by a man who is starting to feel crowded), *that* is too pushy in my world. I've had guys do that to me--one memorable guy in college called me 3 times a day, every day for a month, despite the fact that I often happily burbled at him about my boyfriend. I got sick of the over-attention/stalking pretty quick, and stopped returning his calls. I'm sure if he were on this board, he would lament the cold woman who just didn't seem to understand his deep interest in/love for her no matter how hard he tried to express himself.

Everyone is different. We all have different rules to live by, and different tolerances for certain behaviors in those around us.

--fc