I need some help....can u help me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2003
I need some help....can u help me?
Thu, 09-18-2003 - 4:32am
I recently (4 months ago) was dumped by my ex fiance. I met him online. We met 2 times before he moved to my home state. We were together for 3 years. This break up was very hard for me. It devestated me, but I am getting better. I still love him...I went from hating him, to understanding somewhat of why he broke up with me. I wasnt the same person he met those 3 years ago. I changed into someone he didnt recognize. No the break up isnt all my fault, I know he has some blame in it too. Well...before he broke up with me, he decided that he wanted to move back to where he used to live. I decided it was a good idea and moved with him. We were there for 3 months when he decided I deserved better than him, and broke up with me. I decided to move home for the summer until I could figure out what I wanted. I decided to move back to where my ex lives. I love the area, its so unlike anywhere I have been before. I went to see my ex the first night I was back. We talked for 4 hrs. We both cried. He held my hand, hugged me. He said he feels he made a mistake in letting me go. Well, I dont have to tell you, but that made me happy. He didnt want me to go. My problem? I dont know what I want! And he doesnt either. He says he wants to be friends, and take it slow. I told him I believed in loving something and setting it free, if it was meant to be it will come back, if not then it never was....well he said he is glad there is some hope.....Now he has invited me 3 times to come visit him and also to go to his parents for a party. I have seen him 1 more time, in the last month. We talk online a lot. I just dont know where we stand, it just seems as though he wants to take it slow, but I dont know...I mean is going to see his parents and going to his house, taking it slow? He seems happy when I call him, and seems happy when I come over. He hasnt made an attempt to show more affection than a smile my way. I mean we talk like we always have, but I dont know what he is thinking...it drives me nuts! I still love him, a lot. I have learned a lot from him, while we were together and after he broke up with me. I learned how strong I am and I am realistic that we may only be friends and thats all.. It is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, taking things slow and not knowing where its going with him. I just wanna know what he is thinking! I wanna ask him, but I am afraid at the answer. I need some ideas and advice on this. Can anyone help me?!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-18-2003 - 7:10am
Title: It would be helpful to know...

...what reasons he gave for the break up in the first place. Beyond the "you deserve someone better than me", what reasons did he give? You also speak of knowing and understanding to some degree why he did, because you aren't the same person. What does that mean...in what ways have you changed...and...here is the RELEVANT point along those lines...have you changed back?

In other words...has the problem which caused the break up in the first place been fixed?


**"I wanna ask him, but I am afraid at the answer."**

...will get you nowhere, and solve nothing. It is your life (and hopefully no kids are involved for either of you) so if you want to spend it moving back and forth and wondering what is what rather than living it with clarity and confidence, that is your business, but in my life, I don't make life altering decisions without data to base those decisions on. Meaning, since I am assuming you are trying to make a decision about whether you want to devote yourself to this person or not, in a lifetime / true commitment sort of way (given that you were engaged before), doesn't it make sense that you know what he is thinking? What are you afraid of...the truth?

In summary...you need answers. What you are describing could indeed be the "let it / go set it free / comes back to you / true love" story. I say that with all sincerity because I lived it (and am living it) myself. But nothing you have actually shared rules out simple lonely rebound...he wasn't dating anyone...you weren't dating anyone...you moved to be closer to him...it is easier to dance with the devil you know versus finding a new one.

The key (at least one of them) is this: What is different now versus when you broke up? Has the "problem" been fixed?

And until you step up to the plate and talk to him about your relationship as two adults whose lives are in play (versus two school kids who invariably will be dating someone else by this time next month, so what difference does it make?) nothing will be settled.

The answers aren't on this message board dear. They are within you ("Am I still the person I changed into? Does the 'problem' still exist"?) and within him ("What are you thinking? What are your intentions? What are your desires?")

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-18-2003 - 12:13pm

Pianoguy would like to ask you a question:

"What are you expecting out of all of this?"

Do you want to rekindle the relationship the two of you used to have together? (Hoping it'll be better). Or....do you want to keep this 'new friendship of yours' casual?

He's making an effort by inviting you to see his parents and communicating with you, but if you doubt his sincerity...why give the guy any false hopes? You can still LOVE someone, but realize that the 'mix of your personalities' isn't a good one. Or...you can give yourself permission to try again...s-l-o-w-l-y...and see whether your relationship has advanced after 6 months.

Don't write your memoirs before you get the chance to LIVE THEM! Since neither one of you has signed a contract or made a commitment...why don't you both look at this 'renewed relationship' through a fresh set of eyes!

Later on, the 2 of you will know if you want to take it any farther.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-19-2003 - 3:30pm
I don't think you can know if someone is right for you as a spouse until you've dated in person and consistently for at least 4-6 months - you skipped that step so of course the risk was he would feel like he didn't really know you - because, he didn't.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-19-2003 - 5:24pm
Title: Am I missing something...?

...because I read that they had been together for three years.