I think I figured it out...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2014
I think I figured it out...
11
Mon, 08-18-2014 - 7:03pm

I am new here, but I wanted to find the most relevant place for me on the topic of relationships. First, I will say that I have figured something out, which is how never to be the one posting about why he doesn’t call or how to forget him or does he care, etc. I have been doing the following for a while, and it works: girls you have to stop worrying about how he feels or how to get him.  I have noticed some books, articles, and blogs by men giving advice to women about what guys want, what they think of us, how to know if they are into us, etc. From Steve Harvey to whoever came up with “he’s just not that into you” they all tell us they are the choosey wants and we are the suckers.

The first problem is to figure out what you want and why you want it. Do you want to get married, accumulate things, and have a family? Do you want to find “the one?” Why? The root of these wishes for most of us is to feel loved (I think). Is what you are doing getting you what you want?

So you want a guy, maybe he is a prospect or maybe you’ve been seeing him. Don’t worry about “the one” because the divorce rate proves there is no such thing. This is an antiquated ideal that was at one time necessary for household economic purposes and survival, but it is completely unnecessary. We do not need the conventional structure for practical reasons anymore. We have the freedom to choose relationships for fulfillment of emotional needs, whatever that entails for each of us. There are lots of different ways of loving and types of relationships. We do not have to fit in a box, as long as those whom we are in relationships with are wired the same as we are.

Do not worry about what his intensions are for you. I’ve seen a few writings by men, who claim to have been players (who are now reformed and with “the right woman.”) The advice they give is demeaning—all implying that we need them more than they need us. Supposedly these guys know what they want to do with you within the first few minutes of meeting you: you are girlfriend or hit it and quit it material. If anybody has never heard this before, I’ll scrape up the places I’ve seen it and post them.

You have to have the attitude that you are doing the choosing. It is so simple. You are in the driver’s seat. This is advice from men that has been truly useful: just do what they do. You may feel lovey and squishy inside, but do not show it. Catch the want to be player (not a real one or a sociopath). Let him think he’s in control. Then mess with his head. If you do not want to play these games you are going after or pining over the wrong guys. Another question to ask yourself is, are you the kind of girl that keeps falling for “jerks?” Well, then I do not suggest you start going for nice decent, non-game playing guys because you will break their heart. They won’t turn you on. You’ve got to know yourself and live and love accordingly. You can have your heart’s desire—you just have to play back. You keep control.

Also, do not get pregnant unless you can take care of a family….period. Do not make babies with guys who would not make good husbands or fathers. You cannot change anybody. If you are a lady who likes these guys, do not make babies. If you already have, it’s okay, you will just have to wait until they grow up before you can experience the passion and drama that apparently you crave.

 Know yourself. Nothing is perfect. Do not hurt other people. This is reality the way I see it.

I expect some harsh criticism here and there--it goes with the territory of posting on these boards. I do not catch all of my typos and errors without a proof-reader; so if I leave an "s" off of something or do a their instead of there. I just missed it, I do know better. Forgive me. I must have some kind of Adult ADD,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 08-18-2014 - 10:44pm

Is your advice really to play games, not to admit it when you care about someone and "mess with a guy's head?"  I'm sure that's a great basis for a mature long term relationship!

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Tue, 08-19-2014 - 10:04am

I do agree with some of what you have said. You are correct that the idea of the traditional family and relationship is certainly changing. Polls have shown that the majority of people now do not see the primary reason to being married as having children. The younger generations are seeing marriage as less and less in their future. Less and less a requirement of life. Societal attitudes and norms about marriage and relationships take many generations to change. A few decades ago it was almost unheard of for people to live together without marriage. Now no one gives it a second thought. Marriage really is becoming irrelevant, slowly. Many people still look upon it as some sort of magical state of being that is somehow going to guarantee you this stable , unending partnership. Statistics prove otherwise.

Similarily I agree the idea that anyone has found "the one" is silly. A soulmate? Sorry, another wacky idea. Some people certainly meet "A One". That means they are lucky enough to meet and end up with someone that they truly click with and can have a wonderful happily ever after with. Does that mean that there are no other people on the entire planet that they could not have a similar relationship with? Of course not. In the course of your lifetime you probably only meet like a thousandths of a percent of the people on this planet. I know many people like to dellude themselves into thinking they have some cosmic connection to their partner, it is in the stars, the constellations. They like the idea that it was destiny somehow. For some reason they don't want to own their decision to be with this other person, they want some higher power to decide for them.

As far as power in a relationship, i think it is hard to find a partnership with an equal balance. That is you both want and need each other equally. There is often that imbalance.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 08-19-2014 - 2:50pm

I have a 25 yr old Dd and it seems like she & her BF are constantly going to weddings, so I do not think that marriage is becoming outdated--it seems like young people still want to get married and have kids, but I think the big change is that most of them do live together first.  But she also has a stepsister who is about 30 who has a 5 yr old son and lives with the boy's dad and they own a house together--they got engaged probably 2 yrs ago but don't seem to have any plans to get married, so I guess for some people it doesn't matter.  I think that since there are still many government and employment benefits for people who are married, it will not totally die out because economically it makes more sense when you have a family to be married.

I do agree with you on "the one" and "soulmate."  I think that expecting someone to be your soulmate and to meet all your needs is just asking for way too much.  I also think it leads to both a high divorce rate and to the inability for some people to ever settle on one person because they think the perfect mate is out there somewhere, when I think that most people will be happy with maybe a 90% rate of meeting their needs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2014
Tue, 08-19-2014 - 6:24pm
Right, that is why I say if you tend to like guys that play games, you have to either play back or be jerked around. You cannot change them. If you are the type of person (not you personally, just in general) who doesn't like "nice guys," don't settle for one and break his heart. If you want a mature long term relationship, you ought not to be with guys who need their heads messed with to keep them interested.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2014
Tue, 08-19-2014 - 6:26pm
I posted a message to you, but it is at the bottom. Don't know if I did it right.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2014
Tue, 08-19-2014 - 6:27pm
Darn it the response was to Musiclover12...but it does not look right from my end. Looks like a random post.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2014
Tue, 08-19-2014 - 6:35pm

Yes, thanks for your reply. In total agreement with what you said. Power relationships being naturally embalanced, I would rather not be under someone's thumb. I've discovered, after around 27 years of committed unfulfilling relationships that an ongoing struggle keeps the passion alive--called sexual tension. I can love a man,  not live with him, and never lose interest. For younger people just starting out and wanting a family, etc., I don't know if this is good advice. It just works for me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2014
Tue, 08-19-2014 - 6:46pm

I have a teenage daughter, I had her late in life, on purpose. Tried so hard to do everything right and to be practical. You are right, marriages do still seem to be happening a lot. I cannot help but think it's the wedding that gets everybody all excited. The dress, the big church (or some other facility). I think it is a commercial ploy to get us to spend money.

Even after everthing I said in my post, I do think a stable environment for children is of utmost importance. I tried to provide that by being "ready" financially, etc. However, ironically, I ended up divorced at 40 years old with a 3 year old child! It happened anyway--I became a single mother. My marriage ended because it was so very practical and passionless, as have been all of my (total of 3) committed relationships.

My advice in my original post is strictly for people outside the context of children. It may seem bizzarre to some people, but I keep my love life and my motherhood completely separate. It's the best I can do for myself and my child.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Fri, 08-22-2014 - 12:13am

Now you can understand the marriages of nobility where practicality was most  important.  Many people like to be alone.  But it is not socially acceptable to say so.  

chaika

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2014
Fri, 08-22-2014 - 12:15pm

Are you referring to nobility having mistresses on the side of a practical marriage? The only problem with those was that the double standard. Women did it too, but if they got caught they were doomed one way or another. The movie Cheri' with Michelle Phiffer, The Age of Innocence by Martin Scorcese, and Dangerous Liason's with John Malkovich and Phiffer (I think), all were about these relationships. The passions were intense and seem romantic, but put it in today's concept it just sounds immoral, nasty, and nothing special.There's got to be a way to have what makes affairs so desireable, yet without cheating. To me it is the familiarity that causes the problem. Why put up with it if you don't have to. Rather than cheat, if one is predisposed to have a wandering heart for whatever deep rooted psychological reason,  just stay satisfied in love by not conforming to society's expectation of what "in love" people do. I'm not talking about polyamory either. I cannot love more than one at a time. If my heart and desire start to wander, I'm done. For me I tend to start losing interest about 5 years in, at least in marriages or when I'm living with someone. (I cannot emphasise enough that these relationships and children have to be kept separate--children must have stability). I've got several male friends that I do not have any kind of physical relationship with, or any such desire or possibility of such. Passion and objects of desire are not choices, they come naturally and cannot be forced. Some are ex's who are still single (if they get into a relationship, I understand a friendship cannot continue for the sake of their partner, so far the ex's I'm friends with are still single). This satifies any need for friendship rather than an old tired marriage.

xxxs wrote:
<p>Now you can understand the marriages of nobility where practicality was most  important.  Many people like to be alone.  But it is not socially acceptable to say so.  </p>

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