I think I'm being played....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2006
I think I'm being played....
Mon, 12-16-2013 - 3:22am

A few months back my friend of three years started showing signs of what I thought was interest in me. He started paying more and more personal attention to me, would come out and spend time at places with my girl friends and I that he woundn't normally go to, make up excuses to be alone with me when we were out with our group of friends, and was generally quite touchy whenever he could steal an opportunity when were all out for the evening. Soon he started inviting me out alone, or to just hang out with him at his apartment. Eventually he took the first step when we were at his place and pulled me in close and cuddled with me on the couch for hours. The next time he moved in and kissed me. This continued you for a few weeks until he made the move to take things further and wanted to go all the way. Even though we have known each other for three years and are friends, I didn't know him all that well and told him that I wanted to wait before moving forward. I could tell that he wasn't too pleased, but respected my wishes and stopped. I was so sure that this had put him off, and didn't expect to hear from him again. He was called away the next day on a month long business trip, but continued to keep in touch and call me from the road almost every day. I was confused by his behaivour, but decided not to put pressure on the situation and simply 'go with the flow.'  Upon his arrival home,  he let me that he was back, and made a plan that we all out for the evening and then again that night he invited upstairs again to hang out. I wasn'ts sure what expect, but once we got upstairs he was very sweet and we shared a few kisses.  The nature of his work requires him to be on the road a lot, and so yet again he was on his way out of town the next day . There was some communication this time, but not as much as the first time he had been called away. I could make the excuse that this time around he was overseas in Europe and not in the States, so long distance costs and time change could have been a factor, but probably not. He just got back a few days ago and we saw each other soon after he got home. We were out in a large group so there wasn't much time for chatting and flirting, but didn't stop him from texting me from across the table. As we were leaving he told me he had to go to a dinner party and wouldn't be able to spend time with me on Friday night. I already had made my own plans, so I told him I would just see him another time. At some point during the night I ended up sending him a text asking how the party went.  He told me he would be leaving soon and asked me to come meet him and his friends for a little while.  I told him that I was with friends, to which he replied to come and meet him and ask them to join us soon after. When I went to meet him I got the feeling that he wasn't as into seeing me as he was before, but decided to make the best of the situation.  We spent some time together and he eventually warmed up and kissed me once we were alone. When I left to go home, he texted me to make sure that I had made it home safely and now I haven't heard from him all day. I have only shared this with my closest friend, but others have started picking up on his body language and have been noticing his flirting with me and have been asking 'what's going on?'

I should mention that he has been single for many many years, and lives a life of travel and constant business relations. He enjoys his time away from work and drinks in great moderation, so he is always of a clear mind when interacting with me. I feel like I am being played, I need to break away from him, but am finding it difficult to distance myself from him because I am so attracted to him. That being said, I also don't want to be the girl he runs to only when he's in town. I just don't want to believe that someone who has been in my life for an extended period of time would take advantage of my feelings and just wants to get into my pants. I am struggling with whether or not to have an open conversation about this with him, or just phase out whatever this is and go back to being friends and spending time together only when out with our group of friends. 

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Mon, 12-16-2013 - 9:22am

You know him better than I do, obviously, but I don't see evidence of him playing you, really. I'm not sure why you think you need to break away from him if you are so attracted. Not all men have the mindset of "If she doesn't sleep with me right away I'm dumping her." 

How good of a friend is/was he for three years? Did he confide in you? Tell you about women he was dating? This would obviously give you clues as to how he would treat you. 

Why not just see where it goes? Does he think you're not that attracted to him and that's why you interpret his behaviour as having "cooled."? There probably isn't a reason, but I would wonder why after three years he's suddenly become attracted--did he say anything about that?

I'm thinking that if you want to pursue a relationshipp rather than go back to being friends, move toward that. And I think it would be OK to talk to him about it, especially if you had a rather close friendship before. And of course, if what you really want is to just go back to being friends, that's OK too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Mon, 12-16-2013 - 10:12am

The next time you meet up with him, why not ask what's going on in his mind? I'd say, "We were friends for so long. Are you interested in something more now?" Then listen to him. If he's vague, ask him point blank if he's interested in dating you or if he's just looking for some uncommited fun. You have a right to know so you can make your decisions to move forward with him or go back to being platonic friends. If your gut is telling you negative things, you might want to listen to it and investigate whether or not your paranoid or the gut feelings are for a good reason. Do you know anything about his past relationships? If his longest relationship was one month, then that's what you can probably expect. Past behavior often predicts future behavior. Don't give guy friends the benefit of the doubt, thinking that he would never hurt you by using you. Men have different brains than women, so always guard your heart. Even if he ends up being a good guy, you'll have to decide if you want to date a traveling man. Always remember it's about what you want. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 12-16-2013 - 4:23pm

I really don't see evidence that he's playing  you.  You said that you started going out alone with him--did this seem like dates to you?  Did he pay, for one thing (I know that's not the only way to decide but if he paid, then it seems more like a date to me than 2 friends going out).  Did he call & ask you in advance to go out?  that seems more like a date.  So you go out a few times and he wants to get more physical, you tell him no and he respects that & still keeps in contact with you--I'd think if his only motivation was to have sex with you & you turned him down, he wouldn't have kept contacting you.  I think when you are unsure how someone is feeling about you, the best thing to do is ask that person instead of other people trying to figure out what he has in mind.  You could start off by discussing relationships in general, for example, if you feel that you could never do a FWB type relationship, you could mention that.  You could say that you were unsure of how he felt about you --and it might require that you take a risk and tell him that you would consider a romantic relationship with him & find out if he feels the same.  Then if he says no, he just wants to be friends, or he feels he can't have a relationship because of all his travel, you can thank him for his honesty and if you feel that would mean that you just want to go back to the way things were before, you can do that.  I think a lot of women probably make the mistake of flirting with thinking that means the guy is really interested in you, but you just never know.

Avatar for Agent_86
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2014
Wed, 01-29-2014 - 7:41pm
Hi, n00b here, first post. I don't think he's playing you. I'm a business traveler and know I seem really eccentric to folks who don't know me really well. I ill say, he seems to be showing signs of that more than anything else in what you're describing. THAT SAID, only you can know if the eccentricity is something you can adjust to. Trust me, I know it's hard... While travelers like me will put everything on "pause" and come home to "un pause" it, we don't always think about how everyone back home had to find ways to shift and adjust in our absence. We can even get a little impatient when everyone is thinking about how odd it is. In our minds, we have separate worlds, where we think of home as one way, and the road as another... Not to go out and party, but the rules are different, it's like living in a different country with some slightly different customs... Like not having your own kitchen (you're in a hotel) and not having your own clothes except what you brought. But strangely, there are the perks, and it's all just an existence. Hoping it makes sense? But coming home was always a source of strife, for both exes. Going out for me, I had to get MYSELF ready. For them? I always did so much, was always such a giver - my first wife made me stop doing anything around the house at all, I can only guess because she didn't want to keep changing her routine? And when I came home, she would get so mad at me for upsetting her apple cart again. After a while of that, something had to give... Second wife, who the hell knows. Anyway, I hope you can figure it out, but really, I'd recommend that you consider that he lives such an alien life from yours. If you really want things to be right with him, ask if you can join him on a trip sometime. Live like him for a bit. You'll see what I mean, where it's a paradox, where you hve to lock up your valuables, but you don't have to make your bed or change your sheets; where you eat well, but don't get to have leftovers like you would at home bc there's no kitchen; where you talk to people, but never really get to know them - and likewise, you save the closeness for ONLY those back home. The road molds you if you stay on it long enough. And clearly, he is molded to be that way. You have the choice to know him intimately and always say "WTH???" and be miserable, or go out and get to see what I mean and accept his eccentricities, or just understand he's that way and accept it, or launch him into orbit and let him land back onto continent somebodyelse. Or anything else, LOL... I hope I've given good insight here. And I understand your situation, even if it's just seeing it vicariously through the poor women I made feel miserable through the years. Best wishes...