I want to be more than just friends...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2003
I want to be more than just friends...
Sun, 04-20-2003 - 10:18pm
This is rather confusing...I have a friend who was best friends with a guy I dated 4 years ago. We remained in touch via e-mail (since we live on opposite coasts) and saw each other for the first time in quite a few years. He has been on again and off again with a girl I set him up with when I was dating his friend. The two of them have tried doing the long distance thing and it hasn't worked out -- she's cheated on him repeatedly.

When I saw him the other day, he told me that things weren't working out with his girlfriend...in fact they weren't even together. After I expressed that I might want to get back with his friend, (my exboyfriend) he said that it's probably best that things didn't work out because there are plenty of guys out there. He also said a couple of times that he now believes that things work out best when you start things off when you are friends with the person first.

I don't know if he is trying to drop hints here towards me or just making a general statement regarding "being friends first." There are more bits to the story, but I feel that it would make things more confusing. What do you guys think?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 04-21-2003 - 12:10am
I can't comment on his "intentions" with his comments, but I can tell you that I had been friends with my husband for 6 years before we got together as a couple, and I believe we understand each other in many ways better than we would have not being friends. Of course we have small issues, but we get along so well, and we "like" each other as well as love.

I faced a similar situation with him that you are in, he would drop a few "hints" about us and I wasn't sure if he was referring to us or generalities. So finally I got up the nerve and just asked. It was really hard because I wasn't sure if I was setting myself up to look like the biggest idiot that ever lived. But 10 years later here we are, so my advise to you would be if you feel something for him more than friends, ask him. You have nothing to loose (except being a little embarrassed), and who knows- maybe alot to gain!

I wish you luck, and I hope I helped a little.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2003
Mon, 04-21-2003 - 4:06pm
Caseycat. What do you want? Are you sure you are attracted to him?

Or are you just flattered and want the flattering attention from him?

As for what he might be thinking: I'd be willing to bet that he is

interested. Fear of rejection would motivate him to test the water with

hints first. It's hard to know how to respond to the hints. I usually

am surprised and just stare at the guy as my mind wizzes around on what

did that mean? (Not the right reaction) I think something like "tell me more"

or "that sounds interesting go on.." might help if he wants to take it further.

You know something to keep him talking and maybe expanding after the hint.

Good luck! Sounds promising.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2003
Wed, 04-23-2003 - 1:41pm
Alot of guy do test the waters with hints. I think especially if you know them and they don't want things to get to akward. I know sometimes I have to be hit over the head. I will kinda hint back to be sure I am reading it right.

The current guy I am seeing (friend for 2 yrs first) did that. He still hints around like about hanging out or sex. And I kinda play back with him. For example the other night he called asked what I was doing I said laying on the couch, he asked are you going to lay there all night or are you going to get up, I said well what are my options? He said you fiqure it out. So finally I said you want to come here or me to you.

Well I think it is a good sign and wish you luck and happiness

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2003
Thu, 04-24-2003 - 5:12pm
thanks for the reply. i think that we are back on friend-mode since i bought up my ex-boyfriend. i e-mailed him recently and asked him a medical question (he's a doctor). at the end i said it was good seeing him and that i hoped he figured everything out with his ex-girlfriend. he e-mailed me back with the response to my question and said it was good seeing me to. he lives out west and i'm out east. it just doesn't make sense right now which is sad because we get along so well.

when he told my ex that he saw me (and that i looked good and that i seemed really happy where i am living), he said that my ex was silent for a moment and didn't say anything. yet, my friend said that i should "totally call him." however, when i said that i didn't think it was a good idea, (because i believe that only newspapers and bottles can be recycled -- not relationships) he then agreed! that's when he dropped the "yeah, you're right, you're probably just comfortable with that old relationship. but, i believe that it's best when relationships start off as friends" routine.

so, i've been sitting here wondering A) why my ex was silent (was he jealous? was he thinking about me? was he considering calling me? B) does my friend have feelings for me?

this is a whole big ball of confusion!