If he reallys like u y do guys back off

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2003
If he reallys like u y do guys back off
30
Tue, 09-23-2003 - 4:59pm
If a guy really likes you...why would he push you away or run away? You would think that if he likes the girl, and she expressed her interest in him, then why would he not pursue it....and see other women? That I don't understand. Also, why would a guy tell a girl he likes that he has a girlfriend, and that a relationship between her and him would not work out? Guys please explain this one. Thanks.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-23-2003 - 5:49pm
I don't think a man who is ready - emotionally - for a relationship - would do this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 09-23-2003 - 6:21pm
*If a guy really likes you...why would he push you away or run away? You would think that if he likes the girl, and she expressed her interest in him, then why would he not pursue it....and see other women?

Because he's not really ready to date that person.

*Also, why would a guy tell a girl he likes that he has a girlfriend, and that a relationship between her and him would not work out?

Because he's looking for the next girlfriend before he gives up the current girlfriend.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Tue, 09-23-2003 - 6:24pm
If a guy really liked you, then he would be dating you. Not dating other women.

Also, if a guy tells you he has a girlfriend already, and that a relationship with you would not work out - then he is not interested in you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-23-2003 - 6:31pm
Title: A few things occur to me...

**"If a guy really likes you...why would he push you away or run away?"**

How do you know he "really likes you"? Has he said as much, or is this an assumption based on actions?

But...if we go ahead and assume he does, there are a few reasons. Really liking a person and wanting a relationship are two different things...especially when you consider that men and women often have two different ideas about what a "relationship" is. Beyond that, perhaps he doesn't want a relationship at all.

**"Also, why would a guy tell a girl he likes that he has a girlfriend, and that a relationship between her and him would not work out?"**

Actually, I don't know him or you, so I could be mistaken, but I would say that this could actually be a VERY mature statement. It would take a VERY mature person...very much in touch with themselves and and how they are wired, to understand that simply because you are attracted to someone...and perhaps even care for them...doesn't mean a relationship with them would work. The world would be a considerably happier place...less divorce...less grief in general...if more people understood this point.

Brokk said it below, and it is worth repeating...many (not all) women and men approach this differently. Women seem to think "I like him...I HAVE to find a way to make this work...", and thus make themselves miserable trying. Guys, on the other hand, tend to say "I like her but this isn't working" or "I like her, but this would never work". That might be exactly the case here....it certainly would explain "why would he push you away or run away"...especially if there has actually never BEEN a relationship...you just wish there was.




Edited 9/23/2003 8:58:41 PM ET by gogobear

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-23-2003 - 8:39pm
"If a guy really likes you...why would he push you away or run away?"

Tons of reasons: He's already involved, he's a priest, gay, not ready for a relationship, doesn't want a relationship, is working on other parts of his life, too busy, too stressed, too emotionally burnt out, etc, etc, etc...

As GoGo stated, there's a *huge* gap between "liking someone", and wanting to be in a relationship with them. Heck, even dating someone takes a lot more than "liking them". I like *all* my friends, doesn't mean I'd want to date them. I've liked 100's of people in my life, very few have I been willing to date, and even fewer have I been interested in having a relationship with.

"You would think that if he likes the girl, and she expressed her interest in him, then why would he not pursue it....and see other women? That I don't understand."

See above. Some other women may be more on par with who he's looking to date.

"Also, why would a guy tell a girl he likes that he has a girlfriend, and that a relationship between her and him would not work out?"

Um... he's being totally honest and figured you would rather here that than risk being strung along when he sees no chance of things going anywhere? You should be grateful for such basic honesty. You should read some of the posts from women who felt strung along...

If a guy already has a g/f, why should he hide it, or lead you to believe he didn't? That's just sleazy.

Brokk...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Tue, 09-23-2003 - 9:44pm
This fact about men makes me sick to my stomach...(what brokk explained)...b/c I know it's true...

____________________________

Women seem to think "I like him...I HAVE to find a way to make this work...", and thus make themselves miserable trying. Guys, on the other hand, tend to say "I like her but this isn't working" or "I like her, but this would never work".

_______________________________

I mean, if you *really* like someone that you have been dating, and for some reason part of the relationship is a little *harder* to work out then the other parts which are great-then why give up just b/c there is a challenge? That seems like such an un-masculine and wimpy trait- like instead of putting up a good fight i'm just gonna bail out cause it's easier. :0( Makes me very diappointed!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-24-2003 - 1:23am
"I mean, if you *really* like someone that you have been dating, and for some reason part of the relationship is a little *harder* to work out then the other parts which are great-then why give up just b/c there is a challenge?"

There is a big difference between "she wants me to put the lid down on the toilette" and "she demands too much time from me" (just possible examples). The first is something that can be worked on. The second tends to be different values on time and life. If someone wants more of you than you are willing to give, even compromise can leave both people unhappy, especially if it is only in a dating scenario. Wouldn't it be better to go your sepperate ways and look for a better match?

"That seems like such an un-masculine and wimpy trait- like instead of putting up a good fight i'm just gonna bail out cause it's easier. :0( Makes me very diappointed!"

It's not just easier. It makes more sense (to some minds). Why force a round peg into a square hole? Why use the wrong tool for the job? Why spend your energies and time trying to change someone? You should accept who they are, or move on to someone who you can accept. Changing another person can be extremely difficult and fraught with failure. Many changes even turn out to be temporary, resorting back to who they originally were within a couple years. Real changes can take years to affect, and don't always turn out the way you planned. Why take that road at all? If it was meant to be, you wouldn't need to change either person.

I think many relationships fail, because it's easy to blind yourself to core problems when you are "smitten" early in a relationship. You downplay problems, while focusing on how great you feel.

Brokk...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-24-2003 - 3:52am
Title: I couldn't disagree more...

I'm a woman, and I don't *want* a relationship that is like a full-time job. I already have one full time job, thank you. If a relationship is really difficult, even if there are good things about it (and there are *always* good things), sometimes it's better to end it and lose the good things AND get to live a peaceful happy life too.

Forgive me for the over-the-top analogy, but would you counsel a woman to stay with a man who beat her up, if he also took her to dinner and brought her flowers once a week? After all, he's really nice to her sometimes. There is good with the bad there.

This is not to say that relationships don't take effort and sometimes hard work. Even the best ones need maintenance and nurturing and a man OR a woman who expects a relationship to be effortless is going to have a lot of first dates and few anniversaries. BUT...I completely understand that in some relationships, even ones that have wonderful aspects, the bad outweighs the good and it's better to end it than keep trying to make something unworkable work out.

--fc

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2003
Wed, 09-24-2003 - 12:02pm
Thanks for all the different views. I guess it is safe to say that he simply isn't interested. The thing is, I was getting positive vibes about his interest. We kissed and made out, and the feelings were very strong. I did tell him I'm interested, and he told me he had a girlfriend, except I've never seen him with a girl. He's out alot but just out with friends, who all have girlfriends and can be seen with them now and again, but he's never seen with a woman. I had asked him some time ago if he had a girlfriend, about 6 months ago, and he said no he didn't. I guess he could have found someone now, but its all very weird. It seems like he's interested, but afraid to get too close, and I just wondered why?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2003
Wed, 09-24-2003 - 12:17pm
Thanks gogobear,

I thought/think (heck I don't know) that he likes me because we kissed and fooled around, didn't go to the limit, but it could have gone there. The chemistry is very, very strong. It just seems that he wants to be around me. He's always sneaking looks across a room...major eye contact. He's always in my vicinity when I go out, but doesn't say much, not to anyone except his friends really. He's sort of shy so I decided to take matters into my own hands...he asked me to dance at a club one night and I asked if he had a girlfriend, to which he replied yes. I asked who is she, he goes not important. I asked where she was at that moment...he goes away. I've never seen him out with a woman...I see his friends out with their girlfriends now and again, but not him. I see him pretty often on the party scene. I asked him if I had a chance, and he said no, this after all the making out. He basically talked about how he's focusing on his career...no mention of trying to make it work with this 'girlfriend'. I guess I don't believe she exists, but you never know, she just may be, and may be someone who doesn't go out. Maybe he told me that to turn me away. He and I share the same social circle. Anyway, I guess I have my answer more or less. He's not interested, and probably just playing games.

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