I'll never understand Relationships.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
I'll never understand Relationships.
6
Tue, 04-01-2003 - 12:40pm
I hate them! I can only stand them as friends because then we understand one another on that level. Anything more than a friendship it's just too complicated. I don't get it! Every thing changes once a relationship is established. Or maybe the problem is that Nothing changes and everything's suppose to be ok just the way it is. It's tooooooo confussing and complicated.

IE:

Like say I had a good guy friend that's away at college and he comes in town and calls me for the first time in like a year and I've been w/ my b/f for like almost a year. So he wants me to hang out but I tell him I can't because my man and I have plans so I may get to see him and say hi but I don't give him the usual welcome hug and I only speak with him about school, the job, his gal and what's new. Not All the great times we've had in the past and all the memories or anything. So basically I'm uncomfortable and my friend may also be but my man has nothing to be worried about, has no reason to be uncomfortable or have any reason to be jealous or what ever. So there should be no reason for them not to at least get along with one another. Everythings fine.

If I were just friends with my b/f in this case, most likely they'd get along and have a good time together and maybe even become friends. (it's happened before)


Now lets say I give my friend this huge I miss you so much hug. (or even just a hug)and he's sooo excited to see me. I you know just talk about everything and anything almost endlessly without including my man and being in my own little world with my friends. I may introduce them but I don't let there be any time for my man to have any input in the conversation and continue to discuss the good 'ol days and his personal life. And just chat away. They're not gonna like one another very much or they won't even associate and my man will all be insecure and crap.


What's with all the B.s. What happened to two people being with one another happily without having to worry about stupid crap?? and having insecurities and being jealous. Wait it's not that that's the problem it's the fact that one guy or one girl can't be with ONLY one another and be content and happy forever. What's the point of marriage or even a relationship if that's how it's gonna be from now on? Who's really faithful now a days in EVERY way?? It's almost impossible. You talk to someone about the wrong thing and it's unfaithful. I just figure after I get out and over this relationship that I don't know what to even do about or with anymore that I'm gonna stay single and have the greatest party life and business life that I'll never want more of a commitment to anything but my job and my friends. At least I can trust friends and colleges most of the time. How am I to ever trust ANYONE? EVER?



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-01-2003 - 12:56pm
It's that tricky question of "Trust".

There are really two basic meanings. The real meaning, is that someone is true to their nature. Meaning that they take actions and make decisions that are in their own best self interest. Most everyone can be "trusted", to do what is best for themself.

However, trust is frequently confused as "they will do what is in *my* best interest". Such as trusting someone with your money, your emotions, your car, your house... You can trust them, because they will take actions that are best for you.

In the first case, your trust is simply dependent on knowing someone well enough to understand their core values. So that in any given situation, you *know* what they will do, and what is in their best interest. Then you can trust them to follow those instincts.

In the second case, you have to form a strong enough bond with the other person, where serving *your* best interest, is in their best interest. As long as you can maintain that reality, your all set. (it's a lot of work though).

Having said all that, there *are* other options besides monogamy and cheating. However, it's outside of the societal norm.

Brokk...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-02-2003 - 7:34am
Sounds to me like the problem is your age and stage in life - more than anything. To me, being unfaithful is being sexual with another person while in a committed relationship - so talking, flirting, a hug, dancing, laughing - some of that might border on tacky or disrespectful (i.e. heavy flirting, slow dancing) but it isn't cheating or being unfaithful. Insecurities and jealousy have nothing to do with gender - or love - just with the person's self-esteem and ability to trust. That's all. To me a healthy relationship is friendship caught on fire - where the friendship is solid, trusting and has mutual respect. Have you considered just being friends with men for now until you start meeting men who you believe have the maturity for a long term relationship - and until you believe that being faithful is worth it for a healthy relationship? Or, why not just date around - without getting too heavy physically or emotionally - until you're ready for something more serious? Sounds like a whole lot of time wasted on he said she said and then she said stuff when you could be out there having fun doing what you like to do - sports, movies, dancing, working out, whatever.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 04-02-2003 - 9:02am
I like your way of thinking...so know that you are not alone with your frustrations. Here's some information that is in no particular order...

I liken the change in the dating world to that of the economy. For 500-years, we were in an industrial age...you got a job, worked hard, and were guarranteed some sort of benefit, or pension, at the end of your work life. You had security that would last you a lifetime. Dating was the same way. Find someone, latch on, be loyal to that person, and they'll be by your side for a lifetime. The industrial age is dead.

Today, companies give you options of areas to invest in...there's no guarrantee that the mutual fund that your putting your money in will be worth squat when you retire...it's a risk. There is no more loyalty. If the company isn't making money, Downsize and get rid of people. It is up to YOU and I to find out what investment is the best. With access to so much information from our computers, the Information Age has taken over. It's less secure if you are waiting for other people to take care of you, but much more rewarding if you take charge yourself. Today's dating world requires us to take charge of things ourselves.

I tell people all of the time, unless you can see yourself engaged to someone inside of a year, there is absolutely no reason to limit yourself to just one person. Most relationships fail...including marriages. By limiting yourself to just one person until you absolutely know that it is the best relationship you could have and is going to last forever, you are passing up literally millions of chances to meet that person who you will be happiest with.

So here you are, dating one guy who drives you nuts because you can't be yourself without him getting all bent out of shape. There are other guys who have much more confidence in themselves and are trusting enough to say, "Why don't you two go out by yourselves and have a blast...call me if you've had too much to drink." or they will want to be there and become friends with the other person because they feel that a friend of yours is a friend of his. Plus, if you make it clear that you have your eyes open to finding the right person for you, nobody can claim you to be their property. Of course that openness goes both ways, but I believe that if you got to meet 500 guys and he met 500 girls, that if you decided to be with one another, then you know much better whether or not this relationship will work out because you know what else is out there. Those may just be meetings for coffee or a trip to the music shop to see if you have much in common...you'll get the idea if you want to get to know them better or not and vice versa...but you won't be sitting around wondering what to do with your man who doesn't trust you.

Curtis

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Wed, 04-02-2003 - 10:30am
I just don't see how dating around is going to help anything. Plus I'm not a hook, so I'd rather not lead tons of guys to believe that if they stick around long enough they can get what they want. I don't see how dating around is or could even be trustworthy or faithful. I still believe that emotional infidelity have a lot to do with those relationships like mine. I just don't see why or how I could ever trust him again no matter how much I love him and no matter how much I know he loves me I can't get over it. I can't trust him I can't trust anyone really so it's nothing new. But why has it become that because I cannot trust him that it makes me so depressed and so insecure and (in his words) "a crazy b***h" I just don't know what to do. I've tried to explain to him that we shouldn't be together because we can no longer trust one another but he refusses to accept that. I've tried a lot of things that are great reasons not to stay together like he want's to be a radio DJ or broadcasting what ever and that's great but I don't want everyone knowing who he is or who I am because of him. I don't want to be the idiot's wife that's on the radio every day. And of course he'd have either embarrassing things to do or he'd be at bars getting wasted parting w/ hooks that are "so into the radio dj" (and I should be able to trust him) HA! I don't want to be the one that he dises on the radio or talks about or makes fun of and I certaintly don't want our lives to be that public. I've explained that to him to. And yet he continues to try and pursue it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 04-02-2003 - 9:39pm
Well...you provided a lot of information...

This may sound harsh, but here I go. First, you state that you don't see how dating around is going to help anything and you'd rather not lead guys on.

This isn't about you leading anybody on or promissing them anything. This is about you finding the person you are the most happy with. You're not making any promisses, you owe nobody anything when you meet them. The alternative is to continue the dating/relationship life as it has been practiced that leads to oveer 50% of marriages ending in divorce. However, you knowing that you are unable to trust is something that perhaps you need to deal with before you reign down on someone who doesn't deserve it. Do you feel you need to be in a relationship to be happy? Can you be without someone and begin finding your happiness inside of yourself first? Take care of yourself first, then the trust will come more easily because you won't put someone else in charge of your happiness. One of the most important things I ever heard was, "Place the oxygen mask over your mouth first, then help the person to your side if they need assistance". It sounds like you need to give yourself the oxygen and leave others alone until you find your own happiness.

You put him in control of your relationship, of your emotions, of your entire being. Start taking responsibility for your own position in life and start taking control of things.

>> I've tried to explain to him that we shouldn't be together because we can no longer trust one another but he refusses to accept that.<<

So what if he doesn't accept it...by you not seeing him anymore or spending anymore time with him...he won't have a choice but to live with it.

He wants to be a DJ, and if he is good, he'll be listened to by millions and you don't want that type of life. Okay...let him go after his dream and you leave him alone. Don't be the person who steps on someone elses dreams because it doesn't it into your idea of what life should be like.

A guy went to the doctor and said, "Doc, my hand hurts" so the doctor ran a bunch of tests and came back and said, "Sir, We've found cancer cells, a tumor, high blood pressure, and diabetes...we will need to get you a lot of help" and the guy said, "yeah, yeah, yeah...but what about my hand?" Do you understand that by reading what you wrote that there are so many problems...not to mention your BF telling you that you act like a crazy b***h...that explaining relationships to you isn't going to matter until you fix the deeper-seeded issues?

Curtis

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Thu, 04-03-2003 - 10:05am
He wants to be a DJ, and if he is good, he'll be listened to by millions and you don't want that type of life. Okay...let him go after his dream and you leave him alone. Don't be the person who steps on someone elses dreams because it doesn't it into your idea of what life should be like.


I AGREE WITH THAT COMPLETELY AND I'VE EXPLAINED THAT TO HIM TOO. I LOVE HIM TOO MUCH TO HOLD HIM BACK FROM WHAT WILL MAKE HIM HAPPY. AGAIN HE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND THAT EITHER.

HE'S JUST CLINGY, REALLY SWEET AND ROMANTIC WHEN HE WANTS TO BE AND I KNOW HE HAS TO LOVE ME B/C OF EVERYTHING HE DOES FOR ME.


ABOUT THE DATING THING (SINCE I'M A FEMALE) - ISN'T IT JUST COMPLETELY OBVIOUS THAT IF YOU'RE SO-CALLED DATING SOMEONE THAT ALL HE'S GONNA WANT IS THAT ONE THING, B/C ANY GUY THAT'S NOT ALREADY IN A RELATIONSHIP AT MY AGE ONLY WANTS TO BE A PLAYER. IF THAT'S NOT THE CASE THEY'RE PROBABLY A DORK OR DESPERATE. I CAN SKIP THE DATING.

However, you knowing that you are unable to trust is something that perhaps you need to deal with before you reign down on someone who doesn't deserve it. Do you feel you need to be in a relationship to be happy? Can you be without someone and begin finding your happiness inside of yourself first?

WELL I GAVE HIM THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT IN THE BEGINING AND TOLD HIM AS LONG AS HE DOESN'T DO ANYTHING TO MAKE ME NOT TRUST HIM & AS LONG AS HE NEVER LIED TO ME THEN IT'D BE FINE BUT OF COURSE HE HAD TO SCREW THAT UP.

I DON'T FEEL THAT I NEED TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP TO BE HAPPY.

I'M SURE I CAN BE WITHOUT SOMEONE AND BEGIN TO FIND MY HAPPINESS; THAT'S WHAT I WAS DOING BEFORE I GOT WITH HIM, GUESS I DIDN'T FIND IT THEN. (BUT WHY CAN'T I FIND MY HAPPINESS WHILE BEING WITH HIM?)


I UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU'RE SAYING THOUGH AND I'M GONNA GET SOME SPACE WHEN I MOVE BACK TO MY MOMS AT THE END OF THE MONTH. DO YOU THINK TIME APART WILL HELP AT ALL? YET I'M SURE ONCE WE NO LONGER LIVE TOGETHER I'LL HAVE MORE REASONS TO END IT. IT'S JUST PAINFUL. AND DIFFICUT.


THANK YOU FOR ALL OF YOUR HELP AND RESPONSES, I REALLY APPRECIATE IT.