I'm at a loss

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2007
I'm at a loss
Mon, 02-01-2010 - 3:43pm

I'll try not to take long on this. Been married 18 yrs. We are both 39. Have a pretty good sex life. We keep it spicy enough and we can keep it on the down low too. Get along good. We haven't had a fight since October. Have 2 kids that are great!

3 yrs ago He had an ED problem for about 6 months. Just long enough for me to think he was cheating with a co worker. He said no way but, the evidence showed me other wise. He's been to the doctor and nothing was wrong and the problem went away about a month later. He was under a lot of stress at work and I totally can understand that. Trust issues were lost and we have worked very hard on getting back on course.

Here lately I've felt that something is up. He has been soft the last few times. Most of the time it works ALL THE TIME! It's just something you know is not quite right. We've been together to long to not know. Anyway, yesterday I call him at work and asked him when he was going to be home cause I was in the mood. He just said uuuhhh OK. Most of the time he would laughed and say you'd better be in bed when I get home!! This time he didn't sound right. When he got home I was in the living room, he went back to the bathroom for a bit and then he came out and said are you coming? That was all he had to say. I was all over him. Well he couldn't get it up. Limp. I was taken back a bit and said what's going on? He said he didn't know. He then told me that he put that cream on (makes you last longer so the directions say). So that tells me he already knew "it" wasn't going to work to full extent. I asked him if he wanted to have sex right now and he said yes. Asked ok then what's going on? He would say I don't know. So we took a break. 2 hours later he was fine but soft somewhat and it didn't last very long. I never press the issue. I've never made him feel that he couldn't perform. I mean the guy has an ego. We all do. I feel like I'm a beautiful sexy woman. I have flaws. So does he and I never point them out.

At work there has been no stress what so ever. None that I know of. He works at a golf course and there is snow on the ground and there isn't much to do. A little painting in the pro shop and in the club areas. Bla bla bla. So he has some time off. He plays a lot of video games at home, sleeps in and life is pretty good right now for him. Not to much stress at home. I did take his Xbox cord away and hid it from him a couple of hours a few weeks ago so we could eat as a family together. I thought it was pretty funny and so did the kids. He did not. He got over it I'm sure cause he is now wireless!! LOL It was just a joke but, he thought I had total control for those few hours that he couldn't check to see who was playing on line. Uuuugggrrrgg!!!! But, that is just being silly and playing jokes on each other. It happens in marriage.

Ohhh this is longer than I thought. He told me yesterday that he hasn't had a sex drive very much these days. Told me it could have been his runny nose. OK....I didn't know a runny nose could cause an erection problem. That's what I said in my mind. Of course when I've done his laundry these past few weeks I would see evidence of semen on his underwear. Which tells me he has a sex drive. Is he "getting off" at work? Cause I wish he would just tell me. But, how do you ask a guy if he masturbates at work?!! I have asked him 3 yrs ago and he told me maybe once or twice. Or I'm having horrible feeling that he may be cheating again. But, I would like to know so I would have peace of mind that there isn't anything medical wrong with him...cheating...or he just isn't attracted to me.

Anyway just a little insight for me please. I know it's just not me. Something is going on. How can I get him to open up with out him thinking I think he is cheating. He will blow up!! Tell me tell me tell me guys. What should I do!?!?


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-1999
Mon, 02-01-2010 - 8:02pm

I don't think any of this means that he is cheating, but it sounds like a relationship issue if he can orgasm at other times when he is not around you. It doesn't mean he finds you physically unattractive either. Most likely it's something psychological. If this started shortly after you took away his X-Box, it might have something to do with that. It could be that subconsciously he was getting back at you for taking away his toy by taking your toy, his penis, away from you. If you've accused of him cheating in the past because of his not being able to orgasm, he might have guessed that you're thinking the same thing even if you haven't said anything this time, and could be nervous or annoyed about that. That could also cause him to have difficulty returning to orgasming with you once it's stopped.

You should consider going to couple's counseling to deal with the issue. It also sounds like you are starting to lose your trust in him, and it could help with the trust issue as well. A therapist would be able to help you discuss the problems in a better way if you worry it will just lead to a blow-up. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2007
Mon, 02-01-2010 - 11:54pm
That makes no since to me at all. I don't think it has anything to do with the Xbox cord I hid from him a couple of hours during one evening. Plus he has no problem having an orgasm once he gets going. I said he is going soft or can't get it up when we start having sex. He has no problem getting to orgasm. Neither do I. I really don't understand what you just said about my toy is his penis. I'm not a sex craved gotta have it now or else something is wrong kind of person. I'm good to my husband. I'm sure counseling would be great if I could get him to the door. I do appreciate that you responded to me. I'm sorry if I took you wrong. But, I don't think he will go to counseling for ED. I'm not saying he's cheating because he can't orgasm...cause he can. But, yes the thought is in my mind with our past history with other issues and a coworker of his because he can't get it up and makes me think he could be getting it somewhere else OR he's jiggling at work by himself. This has nothing to do the the xbox. He's wouldn't try to get back at me and go soft on me. No....way wrong. I'm sorry for being rude. That just doesn't make any since.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2009
Tue, 02-02-2010 - 1:33am

If you thought his inability to get hard around you had a medical cause, would you be feeling the same way?

I don't know what his problem is, but your problem seems to be that you need him to reassure you that he still finds you desirable. This is an understandable concern, but the more you dwell on it, the worst it is going to be.

To someone on the outside, it sounds as if the problem goes beyond sex. An adult who can't stop playing video games long enough to have some "family time" is either trying very hard to "escape" his family or addicted to the fantasy world of games or a bit of both.

That's why counseling is really a good idea. If you can't get him to go with you, go alone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Tue, 02-02-2010 - 2:47am

Oh dear. The cream he used probably DID NOT help. Those creams are desensitising creams to stop you cumming too quickly and they work by reducing the sensation; they're the last thing he'd have wanted to use if he needs MORE stimulation to get and maintain an erection!

Is he physically fit?


Has been checked for health issues by a GP?

The X-box thing worries me a bit. I play a lot of video games but getting anxious and twitchy over who was online for a few hours? OK, so I can understand thinking about the online games and wanting to get back on but getting upset about it? Nah. That's not right. How much does he play it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2007
Tue, 02-02-2010 - 8:34am

I am concerned if it were medical. No he does not take care of himself. He probably needs to lose 20 lbs or so. He is not active. He doesn't eat right and he realizes this. He won't do anything about it.

He plays golf a lot during the summer. It is an escape just like the video games. He's very competitive. So he will play golf 2 to 3 times a week for about 2 to 6 hours at a time. He has been playing video games 2 to 4 hours a day. The other day with our problem he played 7 hours that day after he got off work. I will read a book or whatever. We've talked about him playing to much but, he just blows it off. I know what you guys are saying about an escape. He has always done that ever since we were married. He can be selfish a lot about his own time. So....I understand that it is to much and it does hurt us and the kids who are 14 and 12..boy and girl. Sometimes he will play with our son. But, all in all he does nothing with us besides watch TV go to ball games and he will cook when I'm late getting home from work. Money has been tight and we are finally seeing a light at the end of the tunnel and maybe in the spring and summer we can do more activity.

He doesn't know how to balance out his time between playtime with his games and his family. We've talked about this and he gets pretty defensive. He might say well just tell me to get off. And we do and he'll get off the game but.....once we leave the room for a bit he's right back on. It's an addiction....obsession. I've tried to tell him this but, he doesn't see the wrong in it so, sometimes it's not worth the fight. I really don't know if he would seek out help for that. And I don't know how to talk to him furthermore on the subject.

Thanks very much. Talking it out helps a lot.

Oh and the cream? I know what you are saying. It worries me. Vascular problems are a concern. He's had that checked out before but, it probably wouldn't hurt to get it checked out again. He has a cold right now. If it gets any worse maybe I can get him to go to a GP and talk about the other stuff. However, it will be tuff getting him to go. Thank you very much for your concern.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Tue, 02-02-2010 - 3:03pm

You know what? I think that this boils down to him getting off his arse and doing some physical exercise.

Not only are the video games not burning calories, it makes your brain turn to putty. The intense concentration on the video game for hours and hours basically gives you a blurry vague out-of-touch feeling when you finish. Seven hours of video games and he'd be as interesting as a boiled potato. And forget about sex, no physical activity leads to no desire for any other physical activity and a low sex drive ('cause he can't be "bothered" and feels tired).

How about a timer system? Start by giving him a maximum of two hours of video games in an evening, exclusing meal breaks etc, then reduce it by ten minutes at a time?

Even better idea. Don't bother restricting his time at all. Does he have a bike? Every second night, send him out on the bike for twenty minutes before he's allowed to play video games. Even better send him out on a mountain bike for an hour and have him come home pink and puffing and sweaty before he's allowed to play.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Tue, 02-02-2010 - 6:32pm
These would be great suggestions if she were his parent
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2007
Tue, 02-02-2010 - 6:52pm
LOL!! You made me laugh. Yet I know it's no laughing matter. I guess what you are saying is I'm married to a very lazy man. Yes I am. What else am I going to do? I've tried. He is so into his hobbies that it takes over his thoughts including golf!! Golf is a big problem for us. He's a golf pro. I don't know what else to do but say I've have a 39 year old kid I'm raising. I feel stuck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Wed, 02-03-2010 - 4:23pm

I don't have any immediate solutions to the problem. As undercovercrab said, you're not his mother, but I thought laying down the law and getting him started might have been to some advantage. LOL. While I value the deep and meaningful conversations we frequently advised you to have with your partner, I also value the brief yet intense satisfaction that giving someone a clip around the ear can bring ;-)

If its an issue of physical activity, we all know that you're going to have a hard time getting him to maintain a certain level of activity if he does end up doing something. I wouldn't say he's lazy exactly, but I am convinced that physical activity that would get the blood moving several times a week would get him physically and mentally better. But yeah, you can't spend your life nagging him.

Can you get him to do more with the kids? Even just getting him to run them around at the end of the day might help?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2007
Wed, 02-03-2010 - 4:45pm

I've come to the conclusion that if he hasn't gotten physical with or without the kids then what's going to get him started now. He's a dreamer. Looking at the dream is totally different than making your dreams come true in real life. Everything had been handed to him as a kid. If it doesn't come easy to him then he puts it off. The ball is in his court and I will not become his mother even if he does yell out MOM!!!!! I say you'd better yell louder cause she is half way cross town! LOL

I on the other hand have worked very diligently on making a life of my own. Coming off the ranch where I grew up I learned the value of honest work. (I know I'm getting off the subject at hand) I have my own business and very happy at making people feel good about themselves. Ok gotta get out of here!! Thanks!! For the laughs esp!! :)