I"m so confused.........HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
I"m so confused.........HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!
9
Fri, 05-02-2003 - 9:27am
I'm sure most of you have read some of my messages and know my situation. I am confused again. BIGTIME! For those of you that don't know my situation....read my messages that are posted. Anyways..Another question that needs answered. I am so confused on this.

My ex contacted me the other night via instant messenger and told me that he is thinking about me and misses me a lot and told me to call him. The next night i call him. We didn't talk about missing each other because i didn't want to bring up the subject of missing him. I could tell in his voice that he misses me. I asked him what he was doing saturday and he said he was leaving for Ohio until monday or tuesday. And then he said he had some things to do that night and told me to call him back. So i called him back. Left message. He never returned my call. I called him again. Never returned my call. Day after...left another message....no return phone call. Now its friday. I have not called him yet. I want to ask him if we can see each other when he comes back.

Should I call him and leave a message on his cell phone? And if he misses me a lot like he says he does...why doesn't he want to see me? I am so confused. I just don't understand. I need a guys input on this. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-02-2003 - 10:18am
Look, hon...he's not "missing you"...he's missing the security of you, the assurance that "he's all that" by your adoration of him. He's not "missing you - the individual."

That's why when he's feeling a little bit antsy or insecure or has nothing to do - he calls, he says he misses you. He misses the interaction with someone that adores him, desires him.

And then....when his buddies call and the monster truck rally is in town, or details must be attended to - he doesn't call.

YOU...are not a priority to him. an equality based relationship is not of value to him. Whatever benefits him at the moment - based on his needs and feelings of the moment is what he's pursuing.

There's a huge difference between "I miss you"...and "I miss it". And I'm not talking just sex here at all. When someone says "I miss you"...ask them what they miss. If they talk about the great conversations you've had that have offered them insight into themselves, if they talk about the calmness of spirit they have while around that you that allows them success in other venues, if they talk about how they enjoy watching you running across a finish line because they realize all the work and effort and achievement it embodies FOR YOU...that person "misses YOU".

If they miss cuddling up, hanging out, having you on their arm in front of the boys, having sex, having the security of a safety net of acceptance and/providership of some sort in their life....they don't miss you - they miss "it"..."it" being a one-sided, non-mutually beneficial relationship where YOU are not involved except as a provider and not as an equal.


Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-02-2003 - 11:04am
Title: How long had you and he been dating?


I am curious....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-02-2003 - 11:22am
This is so true Erin! I have a lady friend that is very much like this. She has little interest in *me*, yet a big interest in *it* as you describe. I know this, accept this and understand that if I desire something more than an FWB - then this woman is not the choice.

I think others need to clearly understand that being the *it* is a primary motivation for many and that it has nothing to do with an equality-based relationship.

Cheers

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-02-2003 - 11:30am
Not a guy but why on earth would you leave more than one message for him? And why would you agree to talk to him for any reason other than to get back together in an exclusive relationship? Please - not criticizing - just curious as to where your head is at.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-02-2003 - 11:46am
This situation has nothing to do with her head. Sadly, it's holding up a mirror to nature for me. When J and I broke up, he said he was confused and that he didn't know what he wanted. After 2 and a half years I should have just said adios and I'll mail you your stuff, but instead we went on dates and had stilted conversations didn't know how to act with one another because he didn't want to "lead me on" and I didn't want to date someone I'd had such a close relationship with at one time. This process dragged out the inevitable for about two months, but we still ended up apart.

To the original poster, you have to take care of you right now, and you're just hurting yourself every time you place an expectation on him and he doesn't meet it. He probably does miss you. We miss people that we care about when they're no longer in our lives. It doesn't mean that they belong in our lives just because we miss them. But we can say this all day long and it's not going to matter until *you* become important enough to yourself to erase his numbers from your day timer and your cell phone and you deal with healing yourself. If you don't do this, then if you do get back together there's going to be so much hurt and resentment just under the surface that it won't be a good situation. I'm not trying to give you false hope by that last statement, but it is a necessary step to your moving on to any new relationship be it with your ex or someone new.

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Fri, 05-02-2003 - 10:06pm
we were dating for only 2 1/2 months and saw each other only on weekends. Which was so hard because of our schedules.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Tue, 05-06-2003 - 6:25am
Jennifer, you must be very, very young. This dude is showing qualities that are so immature that it's apalling. If he does this to you, I wonder how he deals with others, work, etc. He seem to have a very serious problem. Maybe he thinks that you are a lewd picture on the internet, where he views it when he gets aroused, and turns if off when he's done, and spends the rest of his time drinking & forgetting (even you). What ever the case, I suggest getting some good advise from others that know a thing or two about relationships, like your parents or other you can respect.

You'll be in good hands if you seek good counsel. :o)

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Wed, 05-07-2003 - 8:54pm
My situation just got worse. My ex and I have not spoke to each until last week. He emailed me and told me he missed me. I called him back and he never returned my calls. Then one day I was on the Instant messenger and he happened to be on...so i IM him to say HI and then things started rolling. He asked me what i have been doing and what is new in my life. I told him i am going to Aruba for a week soon. Well that seemed to purk up his ears. I made the mistake by saying "do you wanna go". Big mistake. Then he started telling me that he missed me and how much he truly loves me and that he does not have the money to pay for his ticket. He told me that he will be leaving to go to grad school June 13th and will not be coming back home. He said why should he stay because there is nothing for him to do here until grad school starts. I said.there is me. He asked me if i loved him and so forth and i said with all my heart. We talked on and on about how we felt about each other and how are we gonna see each other and i asked him if will be willing to come here to visit me and he said no and if i can come there. We talked and i asked him why he said all those nasty things to me before and he said that he wants a better guy for me because right now he does not have a job because of school. He is 22 and i'm 29. I told him that did not matter right now. And he told me again how much he loved me and how his heart is forcing to be with me. I don't understand why all of the sudden the change from him. And he got really jealous because he wanted to know who i was going to aruba with and when i'll be back. First he doesn't want me back and now that he is in Ohio for grad school he wants me back. I don't get it. Last night he wanted me to call him so i did, but got his voice mail because he was charging his phone and i got paiged to go out...(i'm a doctor) so i could not call him back. He did return my call though. but he said he didn't uderstand why i don't return his calls. This is on going. So last night I decided to end the relationship once and for all. The pain is so unbearable. I miss him and i love him. I told him that and i told him that we can no longer be in this type of relationship because he is gonna be in college in another state and we will both worry about each other and what we will be doing and it just won't work even though he says he loves me and i'm the only one that he wants, but if he is away........how can it work. I cannot travel there every weekend or during the week and it is bad enough that we hardly saw each other to begin with and hardly returned my calls and after he broke up with me first for no reason. Why does he want me back now after all of this.......I just don't understand. If you can make any sense out of this mess.........by all means write me and tell me what you think and give me some advice. I need it. I still love him and will never forget him and maybe someday i'll see him again...but he is confused and so i am. please give me some advice or imput. thank you so much!!!!!!!!!! jen
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-07-2003 - 11:02pm
Jen,

The difference between a 22 year old guy and a 29 year old woman is far more than the 7 years that separate them. I'm all for doing whatever feels good as long as it feels good. This doesn't feel good and it's only been two months. Isn't that how long you were together? As much as it feels as though you'll never get over him, you will. I promise you will, but you have to let yourself. I have less respect for your ex than I do for mine. Maybe it's the Ally McBeal clause. It's special because it's mine. But we were together for over two years and had planned a life together. He wasn't happy. He was trying to figure out if he could salvage what we had, but the big, red, flashing neon sign should have been that we had to try that hard. It should have been an easy decision at that point. It wasn't.

Good for you for ending it. You'll get to look back one day and say "That was not a good situation for me, and I got out of it." You don't know how long I wished that I had been the one to act on the niggling feelings of doubt.

Go back to my original post to you. It still stands. Time doesn't heal all wounds. If it did, there wouldn't be any crazy women wandering around abandoned mansions in a forty year old wedding dress. You have to work for it. Sure she was fiction, but Ms. Havisham is a warning to us all what can happen if we abandon ourselves into the abyss.

You're a doctor. That tells me a few things about you. You're intelligent. You're hard working, and you deal with pain on a daily basis. You have all the tools you need in order to succeed. He is an anchor tied around your ankle, and the ship is sinking fast. The only way to keep your head above water is to cut the tie. You can do it. You can even borrow my scissors.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

~Artie