I'm utterly confused - do you have an explanation?
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|Mon, 08-04-2014 - 6:30pm|
this is kind of complicated but I'll try telling my story and hope you have some advice or explanation for me.
To sum it up in a way: After my husband has cheate on me four xears ago I have fallen out of love step by step. We are a really good team, a great family and we get along really well. Mxy hubby is my best friend but there are no romantic feelings anymore. Since three years I have had no sex anymore and it is getting terrible for me. My other problem is that I am in love with a much younger man. I cannot say if I am really in love or if it is only my despair. I miss having someone touching me, I miss having sex, I miss getting attention.
Now this is what is onfusing me so much and hurting me: we live in a small town and right at the moment there is a festivity, a fair. My boys, my husband and me are members is a sports club where my kidsa are playing socer and my husband is a youth leader. In this sports club ther are several soccer teams. In one of them there is the young man I am in love with (II have to say I wouldn't want a relationship, but I have definitely feelings for this guy and I have to say I want him). This team is a great bunh of young men, all of them really nice guys, great soccer players and some of them really handsome. I have got to know this young man I have feelings for so we get along very well, he is so nice, such a friendly soul, he always listens when I speak to him, he is open, he has the most loveliest smile and I wish I could hug and kiss him (and do more). He doesn't shy away from me, he seems to enjoy my company and gives me the feeling he likes me.
Now two days ago I had to work at the bar of our festivity. I was jealous the whole evening because he was surrounded by young girls he was clearly flirting with. It was absolutely right, he is young (he's 21), I am 43, and he has no girlfriend (God knows why). This is what I told myself and I swallowed my jealousy. But I started being around where he was and then a team mate of his, another really cute guy, insisted in having a drink with him. He was drunk as well (like the young man I have feelings for) and I didn't react to his advances but it was kind of flattering. He took my hand a few times and did some sey talking, in a way. He asked which one I would choose if I was their age, him or his friend (my young man). I answered jokingly that I don't have to choose because i would hose both of them. And that nowadays it was normal if an older woman has toy boys...and that koind of stuff. It was merely fun, but honestly speaking I wished he would be serious about it. Please don't think bad about me, I'm so longing for some nearness and intimay.
The next day we met again if the beer tent of our festivity. The whole soccer team was still quite drunk but both, my young man and his friend, were really nia and lovely. My young man even got more brave and was really nice and kind of teasing. His friend came over and sat next to me, he was also really nice and I can say he was clearly flirting with me just like the night before. We had a funny and nice conversation and I was so excited (you are right: I react on every man who is willing to give me some of his attention. Quite miserable, but that's the way it is. I am starving and it is terrible. for me. In the evening he always kept eye contact with me and I was absolutely sure he was interested. Even if I looked in the mirror and saw this 43 year old woman, a bit overweight but with a pretty face and blond hair I on the one hand couldn't believe that this was real but on the other hand he wasn't that drunk that he couldn't remember anything. Especially on the second day he was quite sober.
Today when we met he clearly had no more alcohol in his veins. At first he didn't seem to notice me at all, then he said "Hi, how are you today?" andf that he didn't remember anything of the first evening (not the second one). It was obvious that he didn't want to talk a lot to me and that it was uncomfortable for him to be near me. Not so my young man, he was as nice as always, attentive, he regularly came to me to talk to me and I was so glad he did. But it was embarrassing for me to be aroung his friend who didn't want to have anything to do with me. He was nice and friendly, but I could feel there was something weird in the air.
Can you tell me what it was that he spent to evenings flirting with me and then suddenly sompletely changed his mind? I feel so ashamed. I feel like 43 old and fat. I feel like I have ridiculed myself even if it was him who made advanced, not me. What happened? Why did he flirt with me at all?
I was so glad my young guy was so nice today, just like he always is, but then again I feel he is only friendly. I guess he likes me but not in the way I want him to like me. And his friend made me feel like a fool today. I'm frustrated, I'm despaired, I feel like I was such a low life.
Do you have a clue what all this was about? I'm so sad today.