I'm utterly confused - do you have an explanation?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2010
I'm utterly confused - do you have an explanation?
6
Mon, 08-04-2014 - 6:30pm

Hello,

this is kind of complicated but I'll try telling my story and hope you have some advice or explanation for me.

To sum it up in a way: After my husband has cheate on me four xears ago I have fallen out of love step by step. We are a really good team, a great family and we get along really well. Mxy hubby is my best friend but there are no romantic feelings anymore. Since three years I have had no sex anymore and it is getting terrible for me. My other problem is that I am in love with a much younger man. I cannot say if I am really in love or if it is only my despair. I miss having someone touching me, I miss having sex, I miss getting attention.

Now this is what is onfusing me so much and hurting me: we live in a small town and right at the moment there is a festivity, a fair. My boys, my husband and me are members is a sports club where my kidsa are playing socer and my husband is a youth leader. In this sports club ther are several soccer teams. In one of them there is the young man I am in love with (II have to say I wouldn't want a relationship, but I have definitely feelings for this guy and I have to say I want him). This team is a great bunh of young men, all of them really nice guys, great soccer players and some of them really handsome. I have got to know this young man I have feelings for so we get along very well, he is so nice, such a friendly soul, he always listens when I speak to him, he is open, he has the most loveliest smile and I wish I could hug and kiss him (and do more). He doesn't shy away from me, he seems to enjoy my company and gives me the feeling he likes me.

Now two days ago I had to work at the bar of our festivity. I was jealous the whole evening because he was surrounded by young girls he was clearly flirting with. It was absolutely right, he is young (he's 21), I am 43, and he has no girlfriend (God knows why). This is what I told myself and I swallowed my jealousy. But I started being around where he was and then a team mate of his, another really cute guy, insisted in having a drink with him. He was drunk as well (like the young man I have feelings for) and I didn't react to his advances but it was kind of flattering. He took my hand a few times and did some sey talking, in a way. He asked which one I would choose if I was their age, him or his friend (my young man). I answered jokingly that I don't have to choose because i would hose both of them. And that nowadays it was normal if an older woman has toy boys...and that koind of stuff. It was merely fun,  but honestly speaking I wished he would be serious about it. Please don't think bad about me, I'm so longing for some nearness and intimay.

The next day we met again if the beer tent of our festivity. The whole soccer team was still quite drunk but both, my young man and his friend, were really nia and lovely. My young man even got more brave and was really nice and kind of teasing. His friend came over and sat next to me, he was also really nice and I can say he was clearly flirting with me just like the night before. We had a funny and nice conversation and I was so excited (you are right: I react on every man who is willing to give me some of his attention. Quite miserable, but that's the way it is. I am starving and it is terrible. for me. In the evening he always kept eye contact with me and I was absolutely sure he was interested. Even if I looked in the mirror and saw this 43 year old woman, a bit overweight but with a pretty face and blond hair I on the one hand couldn't believe that this was real but on the other hand he wasn't that drunk that he couldn't remember anything. Especially on the second day he was quite sober.

Today when we met he clearly had no more alcohol in his veins. At first he didn't seem to notice me at all, then he said "Hi, how are you today?" andf that he didn't remember anything of the first evening (not the second one). It was obvious that he didn't want to talk a lot to me and that it was uncomfortable for him to be near me. Not so my young man, he was as nice as always, attentive, he regularly came to me to talk to me and I was so glad he did. But it was embarrassing for me to be aroung his friend who didn't want to have anything to do with me. He was nice and friendly, but I could feel there was something weird in the air.

Can you tell me what it was that he spent to evenings flirting with me and then suddenly sompletely changed his mind? I feel so ashamed. I feel like 43 old and fat. I feel like I have ridiculed myself even if it was him who made advanced, not me. What happened? Why did he flirt with me at all?

I was so glad my young guy was so nice today, just like he always is, but then again I feel he is only friendly. I guess he likes me but not in the way I want him to like me. And his friend made me feel like a fool today. I'm frustrated, I'm despaired, I feel like I was such a low life.

Do you have a clue what all this was about? I'm so sad today.

Thanks,

pjf

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008

Since this is not "My Affair Support", I am going to be blunt.

You need to stop wasting time tying to understand this young man, more on figuring what you want to do with your marriage.  If you truly care for this young man, then you will want the best for him.  Messing around with a married woman, fat or not, twice his age, is not what most people consider the best.

It is really not that complicated.  You just want your cake and eat it, too. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013

An emotionally mature person will do one of two things. Try marriage counseling to see if you can save your marriage, or get a divorce. Treat people the way you want to be treated. If you don't want your partner cheating on you, then don't cheat on him. Do not start another relationship when you haven't ended the one you're in now. If you get a divorce, stay single a year to give your children time to adjust to the new reality, and for you to find happiness within yourself so that you don't jump into a relationship with someone who isn't right for you. 

Did you know that the human brain isn't fully formed until a person is about 25 years old? These men can't make the best decisions for themselves at their ages. If you had sex with one of them, your hormones would want you to bond with him. As for him, he'd be thinking, "Yeah, I'm gettin' some." Do you really think he'd want a longterm relationship with a middle aged woman, and engage in day to day activities with you and your children? He's in a different stage of life than you. If he stayed with you for 7 years, and he turned 28 while you were turning 50, wouldn't you think he'd say, "My God, wtf have I done?" The odds of a relationship working out nowadays is sometimes more rare than not. Up the odds by dating someone closer to your age.

Stop living in fantasyland and do what's right, whether it's fixing the marriage or getting a divorce. Your kids don't need you to be the topic of gossip around town if you engage in sex with someone who was a teenager 3 years ago. You have to think about how your loved ones are affected by your behavior, especially your children. I hope you find happiness in the future, and if you do it in a dignified way, everyone else will be happy for you, too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I think is it ironic that you say that your DH is your best friend, but that he cheated on you.  Someone who is your good friend would not purposely do something hurtful.  Obviously this issue has never been resolved--some people can get over cheating and with time, the marriage might even be better than ever, and some people just can't forgive and that is ok.  But it does not make sense for you to stay in the marriage if you can't get over the cheating and you are not in love w/ your DH any more.  You are pretty young and still want sex and I do wonder if your DH is putting up with this only because he is having another woman on the side.

I do feel bad for you and don't want to judge you but you are being kind of silly having a crush on such a young man if you really think it is going anywhere.  I'm sure there are some young men who take a liking to older women and might even have an affair but I doubt it would be long term--do you think this young guy wants responsibility for your kids?  Since you live in a small town, it would be extremely embarrassing if anything actually happened.  I think the guys were just drunk and fooling around and then maybe the next day the guy's friend might have been embarrassed if he remembered the conversation and didn't want you to take it seriously.  I do salsa dancing (I'm almost 57) and there are a lot of young cute guys--since I'm a pretty good dancer, young guys will dance with me and I might even get a hug but I surely don't take it seriously like anything is going on with them.  I can admire how cute they are but since I have a 25 yr old DD, I figure that anyone who is young enough to date my DD is not someone that I am ever going to date even in the unlikely event that the guy shows some interest in me.  

What I think this crush is is a diversion so that you don't really have to think about your real life and what are you going to do about your marriage.  I know when I was getting divorced, I developed a crush on my boss, who is my age and single.  Even while I was having the crush, I knew that nothing was going to happen from it and it was just so I wouldn't have to think about the divorce.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010

I disagree with the others for these reasons.  You have a roommate situation with  your ex or still husband (the spelling errors were confusing).   What you want is attention and sex.  Well there are two avenues one is to open up your marriage and have attention and sex  and that will be it and you will have to maintain decorum.  That mean compartmentalizing sex from love including infatuation.   You will be the older women who will not be paraded in front of friends, but sexed in the  dark.  
   The other option is to get a divorce and take the  financial  and logistic hit.  personally  I would choose #1 as it has the most legs.  Now what about xH  what are his desires?  You portray a sexless ?? so what is the real  information.  Not getting divorced has financial benefits.   Choose!

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2014

I agree with some of what you say. People tend to give rational advice, saying what are you thinking? etc. The thing is these things are not rational, they are based on emotions and hormones.

She is deprived of sex and intimacy; but she is unlikely to be able to compartmentalize as you suggest. If she were, she would have done it already. Some people are not made that way--I am not.

And, I totally disagree with a younger man NOT parading around with an older woman. I only date younger men because they desire, want, and are attentive to me--much more than someone my own age. They absolutely want to show me off to their friends--like look what I've got...

Right now I'm seeing someone about 7 years younger...not so young as described by OP. Yeah, he is not so mature. He still parties like a teenage. I will tell you one thing, I sure feel like I'm loved when I'm with him--way more than in a marriage or long term committed relationship living like roommates. We've been going strong for almost 3 years. It started out as a hit and quit, within an hour of meeting. However, it is very, very slowly been evolving into more and more frequent communication, seeing each other, and awesome most incredible love making. I will not get married or do anything to mess things up. That is my solution. Get a divorce and find a younger man without real baggage. Mine has never had kids. Take the financial it, it is worth it. Otherwise, if it were me, I wouldn't want to live that way. Read Madame Bovary or The Awakening (Kate Chopin) to gain insight into these women's experiences. Women cannot compartmentalize, and to try to do so leads to clinical and deep depression.

And yes, I am in love with my dude, in terms of my definition of romantic love which is strictly a feeling. I stay in control by eluding him. It works for me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2010

I guess it is too complicated and a too long story to be told here and I also didn't ask for any marriage advice. Don't you think I am not long enough in that situation to have reflected about it all for endless hours? Believe me, I know what I am doing in my marriage and how it is lived.

I also never said I wanted a relationship with one of these young guys. I may have a little crush but I'm not stupid. It was all quite exciting to get some attention and that is what caused this confusion in me. It is all well, we get along really well and I certainly don't force anything nor will I'll be an embarrassing old woman for my kids or my husband or friends or whatever. My family always is first priority no matter what, but I do have the right to daydream a bit, don't you think? It will never be more and I guess it is far better if it is only in my head than having big problems afterwards. Not to speak of the unlikeliness of a man having a desire for me.

Thanks anyway,

pjf