Insanely Attracted to a College Prof.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2007
Insanely Attracted to a College Prof.
17
Thu, 03-22-2007 - 12:32am
I know this is probably common but I recently decided to pursue my accounting degree at a local college. Well, this semester I have had the utmost pleasure of being taught by one of the college's most respected professors. Since then, I have a developed quite a crush on him. He's probably almost 30 years older than I and I am pretty confident he's older than my father. Funny thing is, I have never been attracted to a much older man before but his extreme confidence, charm, and wit have me almost at the knees. He's not a traditionally handsome man but his worldly culture and style has me infatuated. I find it difficult to keep a straight face in class... sometimes chuckling at the thought of a late-night rendevous with him. Since the class started, I catch him staring at me often sometimes having to pause his lectures after his long stares. I've also noticed him sometimes waiting for other students to leave and leaving the room the same time as me. Of course, this could be my own drummed up fantasies. how common is it to be attracted to college professors and what do I do to pull myself together when I am in class with him? I am not trying to have an affair with him but just want to know how I can ease my passion for him?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2006
Thu, 03-22-2007 - 12:14pm

I teach university classes, and have friends/colleagues who are both male and female who do as well. What you are experiencing is very common. Lots of students (male and female) develop infatuation or "intellectual crushes" on their professors. And they often feel like their instructor is looking particularly at them during lectures. The likelihood is that he is looking into space organizing his thoughts, or pausing to allow questions or comments at that point (or thinking about the 3 adminstrative committee meetings he has to attend later that afternoon, the article submissions he was supposed to turn in a week ago, the student appointments he has to reschedule, the conference abstract that is due in two hours, the exam that needs to be written by next week, the other that has yet to be graded, etc.). As far as him waiting for you to leave the room, it is pretty normal for a professor to wait around for all of the students to leave to make sure he has dealt with those who have questions. This helps to cut down on the amount of students who later show up at his office hours.

I don't mean this in a mean way. When I was a BA student, I had a couple of professors who I had exactly the same thoughts about. It was only when I became a grad student and later an instructor that I realized that your mind just isn't focused on thoughts about dating students.

Good luck in the class!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
Fri, 03-23-2007 - 12:49pm

Hi Gloria,

I'm going through a similar experience althought not as much a power differential as yours. I have been insanely attracted to one of my supervisors at work. His role is that of a supervisor/teacher/mentor. I am in training and he's on the faculty. It's one-one-one one hour a week. There's also a significant age difference.

Anyway, I don't have any desire to extinguish my feeling for him. My desire now is how to get him to ask me out. I would want to extinguish these feelings should I find he's not interested but at this point I don't know if he might be or not.

Your question is how to ease your passion for your professor. I can so relate to how you got to this point. The reason I became so infatuated with my supervisor was like you I read tons into little things he did. Now looking back I realize they weren't all significant for anything other than an interest in a student. I opened up to him very early on, w/i the first two meetings. Looking back I understand why he showed the signs of concern that he did. That is b/c I had some distorted ways of looking at things and I was rather amusing when I described my problems that (I think) he also found me amusing and vulnerable so he stepped in and offered some advice. I overnalyzed every little thing he said, did he mean this or that. So, although I should know better I became so attracted to him after a couple of meetings. Then I realized he probably didn't even think about me in any special ways b/c after a month or so started showing up late, didn't show and didn't call.

Now it is 8 months later. I talked to him about his unpredictable schedule and he has been more responsible. During this time, VERY slowly we've had a few more personal conversations and I have a better idea of who he is and I still would like to date him. I also know he likes me but could it progress beyond professional, I don't know. Anyway even though I like him a lot my feelings have subsided. I don't get crazy butterflies when I see him b/c he hasn't made any overture to extend the RS beyond work. I've stopped overanalyzing every litte thing he does or say. It took a lot of self-talk. That worked for me. And also realize some people are very charming. They know how to look at you the right way, say things in the right tone of voice and a unsuspecting person can easlily fall for it. I skimmed a few books about non-verbal communication and realize it's so powerful and can get you in trouble if you're not aware of it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2007
Fri, 03-23-2007 - 2:30pm
Hi White Satin, thanks for your great insight. I think I said in my post, I really don't have romantic feelings in a way that I would ever want to pursue a relationship with him beyond being his student. It almost sort of reminds me of a school girl crush on a teacher... except I am attracted to his maturity, confidence, and charm. I only know him as a teacher. (He could be a total jerk) For all I know... It's a sincere attraction to someone older, more worldly and yes, a position of power. I would not verbally express any of this to him obviously because it's not ethical, in my case anyway. As in your case, it's someone you know more on a personal level. I have never really spoken to my professor in a one on one setting and probably never will unless it was necessary. I just needed some advice on how to control my attraction at least so I was able to do well in the class. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2007
Sat, 03-24-2007 - 1:52pm
Hi I had a similar experience years ago (Cdn. Universtity - similar to U.S. colleges I think). Any way, it was economics, much older teacher, I totally understand what you're going through. Any way, my only advice to you is ride it out, you are attracted to a lot of beneficial things, charisma, intelligence, etc. I only stopped thinking of him when I ended my year and went to college (similar to U.S. universities - lol) and started dating people my age and intellect - lol. But I totally understand your situation, it might be best for you to try in the next year to not attend that professor's classes if he has them, you need to physically be elsewhere to get over that crush. HTH.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2007
Sun, 03-25-2007 - 12:31pm

Wow!! I am in the same position...read my post! He's only 12 years older than I am, but a professor...and married! I'm not exactly attracted to him, and wouldn't follow through with it, but I have noticed the same things you have...I went to his office for help once, and he started reading this really racy poem we found by one of the authors we were studying...He said "Oh, look, I hadn't seen this yet!"...it was about repressed desires and fires burning under the surface...lol :) He always stares at me,and it's been getting hard NOT to stare back.

But yes, professors DO flirt with students!! Last semester, I had one of the adjuncts ask me out on the last day of class!! I had spent the whole semester wondering if he was interested (he was single), and as it turns out, I was right...I still said no (it would have been risky!), but chances are that, if you THINK this professor is flirting with you, he probably is. Just compare his behavior to other professors'...how come you don't get the feeling others are flirting?? If you get a vibe, it's probably right. :)

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2006
Sun, 03-25-2007 - 5:21pm

Some people are just flirty. As a female college professor who teaches science, I am an optimistic, friendly person who likes to laugh and joke a lot, and I am kind of "touch-y". That is flirtatious, I guess, but is part of my personality. I flirt with everyone, male or female. And little crushes on us are normal, just as I had crushes on some of my profs in college. (Not that I am arrogant and think that I should be adored, :) but part of learning is loving the material, and "loving" the person teaching is really common).

If someone really wants to know if it is specific to THEM, then watch the person with other people and see if s/he acts this way with others. If so, then it's probably just part of the person's style.

But hey, if a little crush gets your butt to class, then crush away! :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
Sun, 03-25-2007 - 6:01pm

Hi Gloria,

I went thru a period initially when I thought about my handsome supervisor all the time. I think you should read a book about how to make anyone fall in love with you or a book about flirting that will give a primer on non-verbal communication. The point is when certain techniques are used, it's very easily interpreted as interest. That's what we call charm and it's extremely powerful.

Your professor may or may not be flirting. Some people are very good at non-verbal communication to connect with people. I realized my supervisor is one of those people. Over the course of time, I've paid attention to how he looks at me, the way he smiles at me, the inflection of his voice, the body language. Everything is done (pusposely or not I don't know) to make me feel special, that he pays attention to me, and cares about me.

If you want to tone down your feelings for him, you could see his behavoir as that of a very socially suave person. He probably does this to many people to make them feel special. OR he might just really be flirting w you. Only time will tell. I flirt with the guys at work but since I've decided that we're not each other's type, the flirtation is more for fun w/o any expectation for it to go anywhere. However, had I have any interest in them I would have analyzed it to death.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2007
Sun, 03-25-2007 - 6:09pm

Hi Geejada,

Yes, I see what you are saying and NO, you are right, I have never gotten this vibe from other professors and I've had many of them teaching me. Some of them were younger, older, etc. This professor is different.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Mon, 03-26-2007 - 10:21am
I think it is very common for students of all ages to have crushes on teachers. I remember having crushes on a few of my college professors - they were not even good-looking but I was just crazy about them. One thing they had in common was quiet, gentle personalities. The only thing I can suggest is that you just enjoy the good feelings while they last because once you no longer have a class with the guy, your feelings will probably start to fade. Iri
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2007
Mon, 03-26-2007 - 9:37pm
I'm in a similar situation, earlier today I went to the mall and I ran into one of my former instructors. I had a slight crush on him before but seeing him today I felt that same 'feeling' and he asked me to go out to dinner with him Wednesday night because he said he wanted to catch up, :) I told him I would and I think we have quite a few things in common, including career interests. I was suprised he remembered who I was, considering I hadn't seen him for a little over 1-year. We didn't flirt alot but we did have some moments were I would be taking a test or working in a group and I would glance up and he would be staring and than smile. The only thing is the age, I'm 21 and he's 50.

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