Insight por favor?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2003
Insight por favor?
4
Tue, 09-23-2003 - 3:46pm
Hi - I'll try to keep this short but it is messy.

Friends with a guy for three years - lost touch - ran into each other cross-country - became friends again.

Dated him for a year - he thought I was the one - we ended up breaking up bc I was travelling a ton and pretty naive in relationships. He said we could have had a great life together but didn't think we had anything in common. We talked a lot and conversations that he said he wished we had had before but he wasn't willing to try again.

Relationship was amazing until the very end - together all the time and he even mock proposed at one point. When we broke up he said we were taking a break - two months later he said that we had broken up at that point. We kept pushing to be friends but it was too soon for me. Then I tried being friends and he said I kept using the friendship as a way to tell him what a bad boyfriend he had been - I was in love with him and told him so. He said he couldn't ever see us back together but then said he just wasn't looking for anything right now with me or anyone else. But - turns out he had gone on a couple of dates -

He then called for no contact - I was making a lot of big personal decisions and respected that. But, did run into a friend of his in LA - ended up hanging out with him (platonic) and then crashing at his place (couch). Ex flipped out saying I should have talked to him about me missing him - but we had no contact. Said again that he wasn't working on anyone right now.

Went home yesterday to see him kissing another girl on the corner outside of my new place - she lives two blocks away so not sure why they were on that corner (peck on the mouth and then he started looking at her scooter which was parked there). Guess he is moving on. I sent him a msg saying I would love to have tried again and finally have all of my sh*t in order - had made my big decisions, etc. He will not respond.

Help - is this really such a mess there is no good ending? Everything I do to really make myself happy makes me realize how great we would have been together. The guy who was so in love with me though - refuses to talk to me.


ps - We have a ridiculous in common including being stubborn as hell - both love the outdoors and all sports - love gourmet food as well as in n' out burgers - love staying home as well as going out..

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: slr80
Tue, 09-23-2003 - 4:08pm
This chapter of your life is OVER...FINISHED...NADA!

Start a new chapter with somebody who has common interests with you, treats you with respect and doesn't play a lot of "head games!"

But be sure YOU don't play any either!

There's nothing productive in saying: "...how great we would have been together!" Because if you both were HONESTLY THAT 'GREAT' TOGETHER...you wouldn't be posting here, would you?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
In reply to: slr80
Sat, 09-27-2003 - 1:53pm
why was he kissing another girl, so close to where you live? I sort of think he knew what he was doing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2002
In reply to: slr80
Sun, 09-28-2003 - 12:28am
It's already ended, good or bad doesn't matter. You can't change that. After reading your post carefully, it seems to me you want far more from the relationship than he does.

<<< He said he couldn't ever see us back together but then said he just wasn't looking for anything right now with me or anyone else. But - turns out he had gone on a couple of dates >>>

Going on a couple of dates and kissing a girl on the corner does not mean he's looking for *anything* at all. Sounds like he's just living life.

<<< Everything I do to really make myself happy makes me realize how great we would have been together. >>>

I hope the *everything you do to make yourself happy* is focused on things YOU like to do and things that are good for YOU, and are not in any way, shape, or form linked to your happiness based on the presence of another person. Create your own happiness and find someone *compatible* who wants to share it with you, and wants to share the happiness he's made in his own life with you as well. Granted, you might have been great together - but there are probably thousands of other guys that would ALSO be a great match for you, and wants you, too. You just haven't met him yet.

<<< The guy who was so in love with me though - refuses to talk to me. >>>

Because love doesn't solve all relationships, nor does it guarantee the success of any relationship. That takes much, much more than love. Even if he's *the one.* From your post, seems he realizes that you're not a good match for what HE wants in life right now. So let him go and move on...

<<< We have a ridiculous in common including being stubborn as hell - both love the outdoors and all sports - love gourmet food as well as in n' out burgers - love staying home as well as going out.. >>>

A bit of my own story: I dated two very different guys alternately - one *H* who was deeply in love with me, with whom I had a tremendous amount in common - likes, dislikes, hobbies, ways of thinking, much more. He spent lots of money on me and would have bought me the moon if it was for sale. The other, *B*, with whom I had some things in common and far different ways of thinking, likes, dislikes, etc. - and who developed love for me after quite a bit of time. Meanwhile, I was in love with them both. Turns out there were some things about H that I just could not see myself living with for the rest of my life. B was no perfect match either, but the differences between us were things we could work out or tolerate with each other. Poor H got the boot (as nicely as I could) and I married B. Eight years together so far and our relationship is growing stronger every day.

To get to the point (finally): Simply having things in common with another person doesn't mean that love will flourish and a relationship will be a perfect match. There is no such thing as a perfect match, and fairy tales are made up by fairies. The best you can do is build a happy life for yourself first, then find someone compatible to share it with - then see if love grows.

BTW - both of you being "sutbborn as hell" raised a major red flag for me. Can't you see yourselves each digging your heels in over every little argument? This is NOT a good factor to have in common with an SO! Better to find someone who's flexible and accepting of your stubbornness.

Sometimes, what's *compatible* with you is completely the opposite of what you have *in common.*

Just stuff to think about...

Good luck.

Msfit

                  &nbs

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: slr80
Sun, 09-28-2003 - 11:05am
"Sometimes, what's *compatible* with you is completely the opposite of what you have *in common.* "

Nicely said, and very appropriate. I believe the phrase is "complimentary attributes", which is drastically different than having the same ones.

Brokk...