Inviting into Hotel Room after Date

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2009
Inviting into Hotel Room after Date
28
Thu, 01-28-2010 - 4:24pm

Two people have been dating for a bit over a month. They have been physically affectionate but not "gone all the way." They are in their mid-fifties. He is conservative, traditional, and considerate.

He has told her that he wants to respect her pace--that he doesn’t want to ruin a good relationship by offending her with premature sexual demands. She has told him that so long as he listens to "No," when she says it, she will not be offended by anything he asks.

This weekend she has to go out of town for a conference in the town that the man's brother lives, and the man proposed that they drive down there together on Friday and he can visit his brother (and stay with his brother) while she is doing her conference work, but they can get together for dinner and a show after her conference ends on Saturday night and then drive back on Sunday. (Otherwise they could not see each other this weekend because she won’t be home until after noon on Sunday. This way, he gets a holiday and they get to spend more time together.) She accepted with pleasure.

Here is the question: After the date on Saturday night, should she invite him up to her hotel room for a drink (as she would invite him into her house if he had taken her out to dinner, etc. in her town) or should the good nights be said at the door of the hotel room?

She does not want their first night together to be at this hotel when she will probably be exhausted from the two day conference. So would it be okay to ask him in for a drink and NOT have sex? Or would having him in her room give the signal that she is now ready for greater intimacy?

She knows he will continue to respect her pace. What worries her is that he might feel that she is either teasing him (by asking him into the room and then saying "stop") or rejecting him/being cold (if she stops him at the door or doorway). Note that she is beginning to feel that she is ready for intimacy; she just doesn't want this to be their first night together.

What would you do (if you were a woman in this situation) or what would you want her to do (if you were the man)?

Thanks.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2007
Thu, 01-28-2010 - 4:48pm

Have a discussion on Friday, before you leave. What you said in this message is good.


Or say it in the car, because everyone is looking straight ahead & it's easy & non-confrontational.


Good distraction frees us from emotional pain, bad distraction gives you a mouth full of whizz. ~~~ Guru Tugginmypudha
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Thu, 01-28-2010 - 4:58pm

Inviting a man into your hotel room for a drink, whether you want to believe it or not, is indicative that you are in the mood for sex. I'm sure he is respectful of you, but it does send the wrong signal.

Unless you're prepared for him to misunderstand your intentions, or you really want to append your invitation with "...but not for sex", I would avoid inviting him to your room.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Thu, 01-28-2010 - 5:25pm

All the lead-up talking in the world will not undo the implied meaning behind inviting a man into your hotel room for "after-date drinks."

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2007
Thu, 01-28-2010 - 5:31pm

Managing expectations is paramount.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2009
Thu, 01-28-2010 - 5:38pm

You say you are adults, you are behaving like one, all you have to do is continue the communication.


I like the "discuss while driving" idea.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2009
Fri, 01-29-2010 - 1:11pm

QUOTE: "All the lead-up talking in the world will not undo the implied meaning behind inviting a man into your hotel room for "after-date drinks." And it especially won't clarify the inevitable confusion generated by inviting him in, but not for sex."

Yes, that is what I am afraid of. Plus it has been my experience that too much talking about what may/may not happen ends up coming across as some sort of "negotiation." It's hard to lead up to it.

Yes, the hotel has a bar. But the problem is the bar will be full of people who know me from work/the conference and instead of our being able to say goodnight quietly and privately I will be introducing him to people, possibly having to talk about the conference, etc. So it's not a good choice.

What I'm left with at the moment is telling him (as he drives me "home" to the hotel) that we should say good bye in the car since we'll have no privacy in the lobby and that I won't invite him to my room because I'm not ready to be as intimate as that would imply. (I have made it clear in other ways that sex will happen at some point in the fairly near future.)

I hate the "extended good night kiss in the car" scenario (we are NOT two adolescents) but it's either that or "extended good night kiss" in a public space in the hotel.

If only this conference could have come a few weeks later!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2009
Fri, 01-29-2010 - 1:24pm

Thanks.

Yes, I like the idea of discussing whatever I'm thinking in the car before we get to the hotel. I am still not sure that asking him to the room will work, no matter how much we discuss it beforehand.

Let's be honest, part of the reason I am not sure it will work is that temptation is going to be there for BOTH of us. I am not made of stone.

The reason I have been taking it slowly is that I learned when I was younger that once you start having sex the dynamics of the relationship change. I feel that it is better if the two people get to know each other as people before the intimacy happens. Among other things, this reduces the chance that we will fool ourselves that we have a lot in common when, in fact, all that is really linking us is sex. But it's not easy to wait.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2009
Fri, 01-29-2010 - 1:27pm

Quote: "Inviting a man into your hotel room for a drink, whether you want to believe it or not, is indicative that you are in the mood for sex."

Oh, I believe it. That's why I posted the question in the first place. What I need is a suite with a door between the bedroom and the sitting area. ;) But that's not in the budget, even if they had them at this hotel.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2009
Fri, 01-29-2010 - 1:33pm

Yeah, those beds in the hotel room are the problem. It is harder to say "let's wait" than it would in the living room of my house.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2009
Fri, 01-29-2010 - 1:48pm

Thanks for the feedback. As I said in another message, I am leaning towards simply not asking him into the hotel at all, but explaining why at the end of our date tomorrow. (Today he is going to drop me off at the hotel and then drive on to his brother's.) I don't think I'll bring it up on the drive today. It would be introducing the subject too soon.

I'd be nervous about "planning" too much of a "special date." It always seems to me that if you plan things too much you run a greater risk of disappointment. But you are right that I need to communicate clearly that we are going to be fully intimate in the near future, that I just don't want it to be in a hotel room when both of us will probably be tired.

As for whether intimacy should/shouldn't happen at night, fortunately he seems to have no problem staying out late, so I assume he would not be too tired for sex. All our more passionate moments have happened after night time dates (as opposed to when we went out in the afternoon) so far. But it is definitely something to discuss.

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