Is it me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2002
Is it me?
38
Tue, 03-09-2010 - 12:04am

Okay, I'm confused. My boyfriend and I of 7 months, have a communication problem I guess you can say. I mean I know I do. I need to communicate more but that's not the reason why Im writing to understand men.

Okay, so my boyfriend and I just had this disagreement, that left me puzzled. Earlier today, I was venting to him about a situation I was in. He didnt seem like he was interested in the situation nor listening to what I had to say. His reply was, okay babe, I'm gonna go. I said to myself are you kidding me. Here I am trying to vent out what happened, and hes not here for me. So then I told him okay bye. I was way toooo worked up to even confront him about his reply. I figured let it cool off and I'll talk to him after that.

Well, later on tonight, he called me to ask me if I was going to come over. He got pissed off because of the way I answered the phone. I said, hello, and he said hi babe, then I said, yeah? I was not only still pissed off about my situation earlier but I was hurt about the fact of his reply when I spoke with him about my situation. He got pissed off and said, is that the way you talk to me? What is wrong with you? I said, I have had a rough day! Then he said, What gives you the right to talk to me that way? I was not only hurt because he was being so insensitive but I was shocked that he could have said that! So I said look, I just wanted to vent out my situation because so I can feel better. He then says, what gives you the right to vent out to me? I said, I have a right to vent out as long as we are a couple? I just wanted to vent so I can feel better. Then he said, Dont you ever disrespect me, do you understand that? I said, How did I disrespect you? He said the way you answered, you said Yeah? like you were implying what do you want. So then he said, did you or did you not say yeah like you were implying what do you want? I just hung up the phone on him. I was in tears and it made my day worse.

Any thoughts, suggestions.

Is it me?

Thanks,
Crystal

Crystal

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
In reply to: crystalmsc
Tue, 03-09-2010 - 12:38am

Crystal, it's hard to comment without knowing the background to this. Perhaps he's insensitive and isn't there for you....or perhaps you complain far too much and he's tired of it. Or could it be somewhere in between?

Is it possible that you were going on and on and on about it? Or perhaps you vent frequently and he gets tired of hearing you complain? Or perhaps he thought you were making a mountain out of a molehill? Of course, I don't know the answer to these questions....but if you are guilty of any of them, it would easily explain him not listening to you complain.

I know that when I've been mad about a work issue, my hubby has said to me: "ok, it's time to stop talking about this now and let it go". And he's right. It's unfair to expect him to listen to me rant when he's tired of hearing about the topic.

I'm unsure about you having a *right* to vent at him while you are a couple. Sure, having a whinge now and then is OK....but it's not OK to really go on and on about something to the point of tedium. Again, I don't know if you're doing this, but don't over step what is tolerable in a relationship.

Lastly, your boyfriend is right in that "what" as a greeting is disrespectful. And he has every right to expect you to speak to him with respect. I get that him not getting involved with your vent left you feeling on the outer, but I don't think he deserved such a blunt reply in return.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2002
In reply to: crystalmsc
Tue, 03-09-2010 - 12:51am

But being in a relationship doesnt that also mean to be able to vent to each other about things that are bothering us inside? Im confused. I mean a true believer of getting whatever I have to say off my chest to feel better. And no I didn't go on and on about it. He could have told me to stop talking about the situation but he didn't.

Crystal

Crystal
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2003
In reply to: crystalmsc
Tue, 03-09-2010 - 1:01am

You say and feel, "I have a right to vent out as long as we are a couple? I just wanted to vent so I can feel better."

I would be VERY bothered if a BF ever said that to me and felt that way. I might go so far as to say it is a deal-breaker.

You are asking him to absorb and listen to your raw, frustrated, angry, unprocessed thoughts. This is a lot to ask of someone, particularly someone we care about. It just sets the tone of negativity.

A dear friend of mine lost her mom last year, and with it, her #1 sounding board. I love her, and want to help her through this rough patch, but I realize she is unconsciously wanting a new recipient for her extrovertive processing of everything in her life...lots of it very emotional right now. Our conversations usually are 80% about her. I definitely have to set boundaries and limits with when we talk, and how often. She would call me daily and sound off on EVERYTHING in her life if I let her. This would be too much for me to endure.

In my previous relationship, I lived with a guy where we'd each sound off about our days...we were both overworked and overly invested in our jobs, making them a source of much angst. I think this was a main cause of our relationship eventually failing; all this negativity eventually eroded the r'ship.

Do you have other outlets (colleagues going through similar or who have advice, a long walk or trip to the gym) you can turn to, rather than him? He's responding like he doesn't relate, or doesn't view it as a conversation...he is just a sounding board. Most guys tune out to long monologues and converse best when engaged with friendly teasing, questions about his day and opinion, queries for advice, etc.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2002
In reply to: crystalmsc
Tue, 03-09-2010 - 1:47am

I always thought it was okay to vent. I guess not! So then what should I do if I'm really upset? NOt go see him?

Crystal

Crystal
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2006
In reply to: crystalmsc
Tue, 03-09-2010 - 7:32am

Hi. Ok, my first impression is that I am going to have to disagree with the other posters for now. What I would like to know is exactly what you were upset about and trying to vent to him about, and how you went about it.


Everyday when my husband picks me up after work, I ask him how his day was, and sometimes he asks me back. We talk about our day whether good or bad. I personally feel it's nice to get things off your chest when you've had a bad day, but it's not something I try to do constantly.


Yes, it is ok to vent. I guess it all depends on how you go about doing it. We all need to vent, whether it's with your SO, a friend, etc.





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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2007
In reply to: crystalmsc
Tue, 03-09-2010 - 11:37am

By itself ... "Dont you ever disrespect me, do you understand that?" ... would concern me.


Also, if he was this worked up by just the way you answered the phone, I can't imagine he's going to take hanging up on him well at all.


~~~


At our house, we have a vague 20 minute rule for venting.


Some days we each go on for 10 minutes about what was wrong. Some days only one person has a really bad day & they get 20 minutes.


We don't time it, we just allow the other to get it out. We nod & express

Good distraction frees us from emotional pain, bad distraction gives you a mouth full of whizz. ~~~ Guru Tugginmypudha
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2002
In reply to: crystalmsc
Tue, 03-09-2010 - 11:48am

Hi,

thats a great rule tulips-together. I love that. However, I always, give and receive, but there are times like venting, he dont like. It doesnt matter what the situation is, he dont like it. In order for me to feel better when I vent, I need to sound frustrated, and upset, well he dont like that. he just wants me to talk like Im having a GREAT day and vent that way.

Crystal

Crystal
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
In reply to: crystalmsc
Tue, 03-09-2010 - 12:07pm

Are you venting in a way that to him it sounds like

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2007
In reply to: crystalmsc
Tue, 03-09-2010 - 12:15pm

It doesnt matter what the situation is, he dont like it.


Well, then, there is no way to force it on him.


If you already know he always hates it, yet you continue to do it ... what do you expect to happen.


If you need to vent, then you need someone who can listen to it.


Or, vent to a girlfriend.


~~~


Is this the only topic where he gets like this? Or does he have a lot of rules for you?


Do you have a lot of things you "must" do that rub people the wrong way? Or just this topic?


Good distraction frees us from emotional pain, bad distraction gives you a mouth full of whizz. ~~~ Guru Tugginmypudha
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
In reply to: crystalmsc
Tue, 03-09-2010 - 3:57pm

Actually, we're in agreement :-)

To clarify, I think it's Ok to tell partner what's annoying us. I only see it becoming a problem if the method is wrong.

ie; complaining too often, too long, making mountains out of molehills or snapping at our partner.

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