Is it Possible? Need Advice About Ex

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2003
Is it Possible? Need Advice About Ex
Wed, 04-23-2003 - 5:07pm
I've never posted on these boards before, but I putting this here and on GT b/c I'm hoping people can give me some advice about an ex-boyfriend who wants me back.

Basically X and I broke up three years ago after I rashly called off our relationship during a fight. Immediately after I had calmed down, I told him how sorry I was and that I wanted to get back together. However, since I had done this two or three times before, X told me he didn't want to keep going through the up and down roller coaster and that he needed time and space to figure out if we were really meant to spend our lives together. I was devasted and tried everything to win him back--in fact, for over a year after we broke up we remained friends and during that time he kept telling me maybe we would be together in the future but he wasn't ready and needed time.

Then about a year and a half after we broke up, he began dating a new girl and stopped speaking to me. At the time, the only explanation he would give me was that he had decided it wasn't right to be in a relationship with her and still be talking to me. I was devastated and heartbroken for so long, but finally began dating and picking up the pieces.

Now, fast forward a year and a half later. We haven't spoken for over a year and he calls me to tell me he wants to talk. When we met, he said he realized I was "the one", that we do belong together and that he's never loved anyone the way he loved me. He claims the three years we spent apart was time he needed to be sure I was right and to get over the hurt he felt when I constantly kept breaking up with him, wanting to get back together etc.

The truth is, even though I've dated several other guys, I've never loved anyone the way I still love him. I know we would be blissfully happy together since we've always gotten along great--it was just stupid stuff that we always fought about that I always blew out of porportion--and now that I'm older I've been able to mature and learn a lot more about relationships so I know that wouldn't happen again. But the problem is I don't know whether I can believe its really ME he wants. I have always thought if you love someone you stay around and try and work things out, so the fact that he's been gone for 3 years and chose to stop talking to me when he met someone new makes me feel like he picked her over me and only is now coming back to me b/c they did't work out. Also since we're both 28 and have been seeing all our friends settle down, I wonder if maybe he's just decided its time to get married and knows I'd be willing.

As much as I love him, I never want to be anyone's second choice and I don't want to go back to him if I'm simply his "fallback option." He swears up and down that he truly loves me, that even though the last girlfriend broke up with him (they've been apart 4 months now), he always knew they weren't right for each other in the long term, that he thought about me the whole time they were together and always thought about us ending up together in the end.

So I guess I'm wondering if anyone else ever been in this situation and had someone come back to them after so long? Did you believe them and take them back? If so, did it work out? Is it really possible he needed that much time to figure out he loved me? Alternatively, has any one out there been in my ex's position and realized after a long passage of time you really loved someone and went back to them because you loved them and not simply because you wanted a fallback? Thanks in advance for all your answers!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Wed, 04-23-2003 - 6:43pm
This makes me think of my great-grandma who divorced her husband and then remarried him later. Some couples are always fussing and fighting even though they love each other. I think if you are in this kind of relationship you need to make a pact to work through the hard times and disappointments instead of splitting up over them. Maybe couples or communication counseling could help you avoid the mistakes that broke you up in the past? If it were me, I would get back together with him and see how it goes. Some people on these boards are strongly against getting back with an ex, but the way I look at it is, if you keep coming back to the same person, it is likely that you have a very strong bond with that person (hopefully not a sick, dysfunctional bond!). I say, give it a shot and see if it works this time. Iri