Keep running into the same kind of hopeless situation with men

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Keep running into the same kind of hopeless situation with men
9
Sat, 12-10-2011 - 9:43am
In the past several years, I've been having the worst luck with dating. My last real relationship where there was mutual love ended 8 years ago and essentially, I've been single since then with some "boyfriends" every now and then. I say "boyfriends" because there's been something dysfunctional with all of them, the dysfunction being that they didn't love me they way I needed to be loved. Just to give some examples, the last guy repeatedly told me he loved me and asked that I do the same even though he saw no future with me and couldn't even make time once a week to see me. The guy before him loved being with me but also so no future. The guy before him told me he would never love me and didn't believe in marriage only to turn around and ask me to marry him...after I left him and the country. And he still maintained that he didn't believe in love. The guy before that saw no future with me either because we were different ethnicities and his parents didn't approve. Do I need to go on? I met all these guys by chance without looking. I just went out on a couple of nice dates with a guy I met by chance in a coffee shop, and he has been basically remaining distant. He has been hinting about having sex and I guess I've just been kind of ignoring those hints and he gave up? I'm 34 and I'm beginning to lose hope. Plenty of men want to date me but most of the time, they want sex with no substantial relationship. They start kissing me in public places like coffee shops and bars on the 1st and 2nd date. Is this normal? I have no clue anymore because it happens all the time. If I do end up dating them for some time, they don't introduce me to the people in their lives and I don't feel their love. I'm attractive sweet, smart, funny, personable (or so I've been told) and have goals I'm working on every day. I look for the same in a man. I don't look for money. He just has to have a job (any job) and treat me right. I don't chase men and I just let them come to me. If it helps any, I live in NYC. It's terribly hard to find a man here who is looking for a relationship. It just feels like looking for a diamond in a minefield. Is my situation normal or am I just having a string of bad luck?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2010
The problem could be that you live in NYC. I've heard that the ratio of single women is higher than single men. The other problem may be that you are only meeting men by chance. A dating expert recently suggested to women who are looking to date and live in nyc that they expand their search to the neighboring states like Conneticut and New Jersey. Have you thought about trying online dating? That's where you will find guys outside the city. There is also a great site called Meetup.com that has a ton of social groups that hold events. It's national so you can look for groups in the surrounding states that have interests similar to yours. There are groups for people who like things like wine tasting, hiking, photography etc. You name it and there is a group! :) There are also groups that hold events for singles too. It's a nice non-pressure way to meet people who you might something in common.

I'm curious about why these men hit on you for sex like that. Are you disclosing too much about yourself on the first date or perhaps dressing to provocatively? I'm not trying offend you, I'm just asking to get a better idea of what is happening on these dates. Can you provide more information about the conversations you have on these first dates? Also, do you allow the guy to plan the date and try to impress you? Or are you taking charge?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thank you for the reply. I dated a guy from NJ and it was the same situation. His main goal was sex as I later found out. Unfortunately, CT is too far from where I live. I don't think I dress provocatively and I behave like a lady, staying away from subjects like sex. I talk about interests, hobbies, family background, travel experiences, etc. Guys here just move fast and hooking up is very common. And maybe I don't put up that much resistance when a guy tries to kiss me because hey, if I find a guy attractive, I'm not going to say don't kiss me. Before I know it, they're trying to do more and start hinting at sex. I've tried on-line dating in the past but I do prefer meeting people the natural way. I just joined a dating website though so I could screen them out better after not using one for some time. Some of my friends told me if a guy is too charming and good-looking, it's best not to date him because they have many desperate women to choose from here in NYC. So basically I should look for socially inept and bad-looking guys even though I can attract better. I don't think I could be attracted to that kind of guy. With the last relationship, it's true, I did most of the planning because he liked to be spontaneous. This last guy I dated who I met in a coffee shop, I planned the first date and he planned the second. Most of these guys I've dated though were not planners and they use text messaging more than calling. I have to admit they're either lazy or too busy to plan more than a day or two ahead of time. Well, that's my story. I don't expect any solutions. Just some feedback as to whether my situation is normal and if anyone else is experiencing the same thing. Thanks for reading.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2010
You are very welcome. I don't know if this helps any, but I recently read that when a woman radiates masculine energy - meaning taking charge and planning dates - she attracts feminine energy guys. Feminine energy guys are lazy emotionally and just try to take what "they" want. They make the woman do all of the emotional work in the relationship. Yuck! Who needs that?! It makes you end up feeling unappreciated. A masculine energy man likes to plan and romance the woman. When she leads with her masculine foot, she takes that away from him and he loses interest and doesn't put forth any effort. A woman who leads with her feminine (sp?) energy, she attracts a man who will enjoy romancing her. What woman doesn't like romance right? Romance is the key to opening your heart to love.

Maybe trying a different approach will help. Let the man do the planning of the initial dates and see what happens. A decent guy who is truly interested will be happy to oblige. :) I was a single parent and was so used to doing everything myself that I would lead with my masculine energy foot too. I ended up getting the same results you are right now. Once I changed that, the dynamic changed as well.

Hope this helps.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thank you for the informative feedback. I've never heard of the concept you mention. I guess I'm a planner so when I date guys who are not, I take charge of the situation. But I'd prefer if they'd plan most of the time. Guys seem to love spontanaety or at least the ones I meet. I appreciate the input and will keep it in mind with the next guy I date!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2010
You are very welcome. :)

The key is to lead with your feminine energy and if the guy is a good match for you he will go out of his way to romance you. Part of that is resisting the urge to take charge of the date. :) Let him show off and try to impress you...it's part of courting. Another good tip I recently learned about online dating is to choose a date from the pool of guys that have chosen you. It means he fished you out and is interested in learning more about you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2010
Oh, and great luck and best wishes on your journey! :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

It's funny how you interpreted your friends' suggestion into you have to look for socially inept, bad looking guy and "you can attract better."

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2011

I wouldn;t rule out the online dating option either. Yes, there are a lot of crazies out there, but it does give you the option to see a picture and see if you have any common interests. I met my SO on line and one of the things I liked was that I already knew a little bit about him, when he sent me the "flirt".

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sorry, she didn't say socially inept or bad-looking. She said boring and not good-looking. Her words, not mine! I met the last guy I dated in a dance class and the one before at work. I don't go to bars or night clubs so I don't meet guys there. I do my best not to make dates at the last minute but due to our busy schedules, me and the guys I meet sometimes have to pull something together spontaneously. I work F/T and I go to Grad school and my last ex worked F/T and was training for a new career. I work weekdays and he works nights & weekends so you could imagine how hard it was to make time for each other. Honestly, I haven't read the Rules but I get what you're saying about planning ahead. I try to stick to it the best that I can but if I'm not busy the next night (or want to avoid some work I could get to another day), I will accept a date with a guy I like with 1 or 2 days notice. I don't like it but sometimes it happens or we won't meet due to our busy schedules. Well, thank you for the feedback. I appreciate it.