the L word

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2006
the L word
7
Thu, 04-15-2010 - 10:58am

This is very long, but please, I need advice!

The story--me: late forties, two marriages-one 21 years (he left me for another woman) second 3 years and I left him because he became abusive and lied non stop. Met my guy almost two years ago. He is in his early 50's was married for 28 years, wife cheated on him more than once. Left her a year previous to us meeting.

Our relationship is wonderful. We moved in together in February of 2009 and have grown closer. We are compatible in and out of bed. He treats me wonderfully. He tells me he is so happy together; that I bring out the best in him. We compliment each other so perfectly. Sooo, what is my problem? The L word. Back in February 2009, after an incredible tender and loving moment, I blurted out those three words. I had been getting all the signs that he felt the same way--but I got nothing in return. And since then,his actions continue to "tell" me he loves me but never are the words uttered. At first, he said how he was so devastated by the divorce, it would take a while to love again. I understood--I had two husbands tell me time and time again they loved me and they both hurt me terribly. Then I got "I have loving feeling for you." Valentines card this year he wrote on the envelope, With love. He tells me his action speak louder than words, but I really want to hear those words. Am I being stubborn or insecure? Every action of his tells me "i love you and want to be with you the rest of my life" I will on occasion tell him I love you like when I or he is going out of town alone. I get a hug and a kiss. I told him that sometimes it is so hard not to tell him I love him, but I don't want to make him feel weird, and he says it doesn't to just say what I want to say. The cincher was I had surgery last week. As I was about to be wheeled off to the operating room, I told him "i love you" and nothing!! I found myself crying as they wheeled me down the hall. Yesterday, i was talking to him mom and she said she is so happy that I am in his life, she has never seen him so happy before, even in his marriage.. These words arealso told to me by all his friends who knew him when he was married.

Please tell me, can it really be this difficult for him to tell me he loves me? Or am I just wishing for something that will never come?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
In reply to: shannon0731
Thu, 04-15-2010 - 1:13pm

Hi shannon0731,


I can imagine that if you believe the only true

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2006
In reply to: shannon0731
Thu, 04-15-2010 - 1:34pm
Sandra, thank you so much for replying. I truly do feel his love and I do believe I am showing my love to him as well with my actions.I like your idea and I will try it. I want to know that he does know my words are not empty.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
In reply to: shannon0731
Thu, 04-15-2010 - 6:23pm
Shannon, I'd take a direct approach to this problem. Simply, I'd ask him "do you love me?"
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2010
In reply to: shannon0731
Fri, 04-16-2010 - 6:46am
I think that guys can be very weird about the "L" word! Years ago my husband (before he was my husband) first blurted out that he loved me right after I was the first girl to
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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2003
In reply to: shannon0731
Sat, 04-17-2010 - 12:20am

There’s a favorite song of mine with the lyrics “those three words/are said too much/they’re not enough.”

Some guys, I think, just have trouble saying those words. As a previous poster said, verbalization is not how they express love. My guy is this way…I’m sure the ratio of times I’ve said it to him:times he’s said it to me is through the roof. And…when he does say it, he prefers a quick “loveya” and sometimes it is blurted out as almost a slur. What I DO notice is that he does things for me, goes out of his way for me, always wants to talk/spend time together, and has never let me down.

In all my relationships before, I was told “I love you” in the first WEEK, and these are guys who later turned out to be flakey, distant, unreliable, prudish, etc. One in particular was very loquacious about our love, in emails, letters, calls, conversations; he ended up being pretty controlling and completely self-unaware…the worst of the bunch!

With your surgery, your guy may have been grappling with other emotions, e.g. fear and sense of powerlessness to help you/fix things himself, that made it difficult to be expressive.

Have you mentioned how much it would mean to you if he could express this? What does he say?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2006
In reply to: shannon0731
Tue, 04-20-2010 - 10:23am

OMG, I know what you mean about ones that say I love you like they say hello and good bye. and just like you the one WHO said it the most turned out to be the one who was the controlling abusive liar.

You know, I never really thought about his feelings about my surgery. He would be the type to feel like this was something he could not help me with.

I actually think I may have hit a compromise. I found a free greeting card site that has 1000's of e cards. I sent him one then told him I book marked it. I told him how much it would mean to have him say those words to me, but until he can, maybe he could send me little cards that say how he feels, then work up to adding his own words to them. That way, the actions will be complimented by the words. And I will know that my actions are being noticed and he feels the love that I tell me I have for him. I asked him to tell me if he was the same with his ex. If he never told her, then I know I am in for a long haul to expect him to tell me. But if he did tell her and he is just scared to get hurt again, I told him I will give him time, but that I do not want to pay for her mistakes.

THANKS EVERYONE FOR ALL YOUR INSIGHT!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2009
In reply to: shannon0731
Tue, 04-20-2010 - 11:28am

Shannon, I'm 39 and my bf is 42. We've been very happily