Lady w/Questions about man's fidelity

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2003
Lady w/Questions about man's fidelity
Tue, 09-02-2003 - 1:06pm
When a man becomes involved with another woman, while having one whom he claims to love at home, what would make him leave his home for the other woman? What if he claims to love & be in love with the other woman, & has a history with her? What if he claims not to be "in love" with the one at home?

What do men do, how do they behave, to hide an affair from the one at home? What are some dead give-aways that he's cheating (besides lipstick, perfume, overnight stays, etc.)?

I really need some insight on this PLEASE!!!



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Tue, 09-02-2003 - 4:58pm
I read a great book once on relationships, it was from a doctor..and i'm sorry i forget the name of it..(great huh..i'm blonde, cut me some slack hehehehe)..anyways, in it, they devoted an entire chapter to infidelity and how to find out if he or she is cheating.

This is what he said to do:

You approach the subject ie: over dinner and say something like, oh hon, did you hear that (name two ppl both of you know, or name someone at work, etc) is having an affair?? Then the doctor said, just sit back and watch him/her. If he or she tries to change the subject, then you are pretty sure he/she is, but if they are willing to talk about it to great lengths with you, then he or she probably isnt. Try it! It's supposely works very well.

As for the signs..some men do it for attention, do it for the challenge...and in a lot of the cases, they will never leave their family..god no, its safe, secure, and costs less! and believe it or not, they truly do love their spouse, but there is something missing that they are getting satisfied by someone else..and its not just "sex"...communication is better, etc.

So try that little experiment and see how it works.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-02-2003 - 5:26pm
Title: I suppose this doctor didn't allow for the possibility that...

**"This is what he said to do:

You approach the subject ie: over dinner and say something like, oh hon, did you hear that (name two ppl both of you know, or name someone at work, etc) is having an affair?? Then the doctor said, just sit back and watch him/her. If he or she tries to change the subject, then you are pretty sure he/she is, but if they are willing to talk about it to great lengths with you, then he or she probably isnt. Try it! It's supposely works very well."**

...the other spouse just isn't interested in discussing it? For example, my wife and I have a mutual acquaintances whose spouse is a shameless cheat...multiple affairs prior to the marriage, during the marriage...etc. For what it is worth, the acquaintance has done their share as well. I've told my wife several times that I am just not interested in discussing it anymore, because it is the same story...nothing changes. The two of them deserve each other, and feed off the drama. Hearing does nothing for me, and in fact is a waste of my time and mental capacity.

Does this mean I am having an affair?

Then of course, there are those people who simply chose to not gossip as a rule...PERIOD. I can't swear that I am that high minded in all circumstances, but as a rule (and certainly when speaking of people I have a professional relationship with, versus personal) I try to not gossip about people...I really try to mind my own business. Thus, I wouldn't be inclined to discuss the supposed affair of someone at my wives' office...I don't know the people, I don't care, and I would hope that we could find more worthwhile dinner conversation.

I suppose this would make me a cheating spouse as well.

I am not picking on you...I realize YOU didn't come up with didn't come up with this bit of wisdom. I just don't think it is a sound method for making as important a decision as "is my spouse cheating on me"? I know I'd personally be PISSED AS HELL if such an accusation were raised against me with this as the evidence...

GoGo...who actually thinks that the wording of the post that started this thread suggests that the poster is the mistress...and not the spouse...and that she is looking for advice for how to keep hubby from getting caught. does the whole "love confession" reconcile with how to avoid being caught? Doesn't the "love confession" preclude the need for a method for discovering the truth?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2003
Tue, 09-02-2003 - 8:33pm
I'll try your suggestion Deborah & let you know what happens, although I'd prefer not to begin dialogue about friends or acquaintances if it's not true. Hopefully, he won't ask the purported "cheater" about the infidelity. :)


Edited 9/2/2003 8:37:26 PM ET by ekwslover

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2003
Tue, 09-02-2003 - 8:44pm
GoGo, I ask because there is only one with whom he'd cheat. They were involved many years ago and he's often said he would always be "in love" with her. That's my concern since he claims not to be "in love" with the woman he has at home.

It concerns me that he could continue to come home to someone he's not in love with, so I'm wondering if his behaviour -- late meetings, talk of being disenchanted at home, feeling unappreciated, spending little time with his 2-year-old son -- is an indication that he's being unfaithful. Are there other signs that would point to an affair?


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-02-2003 - 10:14pm
Unless you are the WIFE or the MISTRESS, I can't imagine why you'd care?

The "clues" you've listed would only indicate an emotional distance from his wife and family, not necessarily an affair.


glammie . . . .

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-03-2003 - 9:17am
I'm with GG on this. You talk of both the wife, ex-gf and man all in the 3rd person. If you aren't directly one of the people, then I would say it's none of your concern and you should stay out of it. Well intentioned "friends" doing detective work into the love life of others, is a sure path to disaster. It doesn't matter how close you are.

To answer some of your other questions. Yes, it's entirely possible to be "love" someone, yet not have an affair with them. Many people talk about never forgetting their first love. I think most people still think fondly of them, and quite of few still love them. That doesn't mean they are going to leave the current SO to pursue an affair with them. Just like you can be *heavily* attracted to someone, yet not try to bed them. There are concious decisions to be made. Not simple instincts of desire/pursuit.

Love is not the end all and be-all of a relationship. It takes a lot more to make people compatible. I was head over heels in love with someone, yet it still didn't work out. It didn't matter how hard either of us tried, we simply weren't compatible. It worked out better for both of us to find another we were more compatible with, even if the passion was not as strong.

I also think that the advice of the first response would only work well if you are the wife. After all, the husband would be nervous and shift topics about "affairs", if he was having one. But only if it was the wife asking the question. Who cares if a 3rd person wants to talk about the topic.


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2003
Wed, 09-03-2003 - 10:43am
Sorry, all. I always write in the 3rd person as a habit from being in school & always having to crank out papers. LOL. I am the one he comes home to, which is why I wrote that I would attempt the dinner conversation of someone else's supposed affair. Otherwise, why would I care what the signs of an affair are?


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-04-2003 - 12:23pm
Pianoguy is gonna try and talk directly to if we're sitting across a table looking at each other, okay???

Most men usually are very happy with their spouses, girlfriends, s.o's..etc.

A few of us usually start 'to stray' when we're spurned, ignored, insulted, yelled at, bullied, or find that the woman we originally fell for in a big way doesn't have any love for us!

So once this point is reached...ALMOST ANY WOMAN...WHO ISN'T COMPLAINING AND SHOWS A MAN SOME AFFECTION...LOOKS PRETTY DAMN GOOD! Granted, this isn't's temporary escapism! But honestly...who WOULDN'T want to escape from a shrew, a battle-axe or a person who gets her kicks out of putting her man down? (Pianoguy realizes that SOME women are only imitating THEIR MOMS when they do this, but do you honestly think YOUR DAD enjoyed this kind of treatment? I'll bet he didn't!).

So the alternative is having limited quality time with somebody who appreciates the attention...and is willing to provide friendship, companionship. compassion, and perhaps unconditional love! Once the intensity starts to does the usual question: "When is my boyfriend gonna leave his wife and make our arrangement more permanant?"

This means that a man can either leave his wife for the girlfriend...or vice versa...OR...just walk away from both the wife and mistress because the pressure is just too great. Not a great option, but having a coronary because of emotional stress isn't a good thing either!

It's just a thought...but perhaps you should be asking yourself why your husband finds excuses NOT to remain at home? If you're truly honest with yourself, I'll bet the answers will come very quickly?

Pianoguy (who truly hopes the two of you can smooth things over and rekindle what you originally had).

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2003
Sat, 09-06-2003 - 10:26pm
:) You're a good guy, Pianoguy. & you're funny, too, writing in the 3rd person.

My sweetie spends lots of time out & about at meetings (has for the past 3 months) trying to finalize an entreprenuerial project he's had in the works for the past 3 years. I understand he's got things that MUST be tended to, but his family needs some of the attention as well. I truly believe that with a bit of better planning he could accomplish this. However (& don't misinterpret this to mean that I'm a nagging shrew), when I offer suggestions to allow him to spend time to put the little one to bed or make play time, he tells me, "You don't understand, baby. It's not that simple." Yes, I've asked him to please explain it to me so that I can understand, but it goes nowhere. I'm tired of asking, tired of him being tired, tired of the little one missing his daddy.

When he's around, the affection in our relationship is very much reciprocal...he's just not around so much anymore. I miss him; he says he misses me. I just feel like if that's really true we should be able to work together to get more time out of this life together...the way we planned to be. Does that make any sense?

Thanks for your words of wisdom. Keep them coming! :)


Edited 9/8/2003 2:18:21 AM ET by ekwslover

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 09-07-2003 - 9:47am
Thanks so much for your very nice comments about my posts. While some of the words I write don't always make some ivillagers happy...I TRY to be honest with my answers. And like everybody who posts a response to a question, it's just MY opinion.

Your husband is A VERY LUCKY MAN to have a caring wife like you, EKW. And you can show him this post if you'd like.

Just some food for thought....

Pianoguy (in the 3rd person) has been placed in the position of choosing between his family and his profession many, many times. And being forced to make this choice IS LOUSY...because he hates to disappoint family in favor of a professional obligation! But since he 'accepted the terms of his chosen profession', the "CATCH 22" was already in place!

If you look at how lousy the economy has been over the past several years...the 'security of a job' is occasionally more important to a man than the stability of a family. Of course...the choice isn't fair to a wife, children, or to the man himself! But having no means to provide economic support can be devastating too.

It's not always easy for a man to "leave the work behind and become a husband or father" after he has spent a day with difficult clients, complaining co-workers, and an overbearing boss! It would be nice if we could "file all of these people at the office" as soon as we've left the front door...BUT MANY OF US CAN'T! The 'invisible gremlins' often take the ride home with us...and their commands and remarks (from earlier in the day) don't always disappear from our skullcaps!

So maybe this is the reason why it's a little difficult for your husband to 'get warm and fuzzy' once he pulls his car into the driveway? Opening up about a difficult workday which includes difficult people...or difficult tasks connected to his job...might be a little uncomfortable for him? Since most men don't want to burden their families with a lot of 'office crap'...many of us try to keep the work-related issues to ourselves.

A possible solution????

Maybe...and this is just a could hand your husband a glass of wine (or whatever beverage relaxes him when he walks in the door)...let him sip on it for 10 minutes without saying anything...then gently point out to him: "Our son had a rough day and really needs a hug from you tonight!" Give your husband a few particulars, but also encourage that he talk things over with his boy.

Perhaps this will kick off a little 'regular quality time' between Father and Son? It might be the catalyst to get your husband to 'do a little more bedtime story-reading' or something that would be meaningful for the two of 'em to do together?

Try and remember one thing though.

Most of us DON'T have 'built-in maternal instincts' because...err...WE'RE GUYS! That's why we turn to our wives and girlfriends to bail us out when there are REALLY DIFFICULT EMOTIONAL SITUATIONS WE JUST CAN'T HANDLE! :)

Thanks again for your very nice response to my post.