in love with my best friend

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2005
in love with my best friend
17
Mon, 06-28-2010 - 1:57pm
my bestfriend and I have been friends for a year and half now. we met at a bar and started talking, we starting having a fwb type of relationship. he went back with his baby mama and we remaind friends.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2007
Fri, 07-02-2010 - 7:13pm
Get rid of this "kid" its not going to work and he is using you.

Denise

Denise

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Fri, 07-02-2010 - 12:10pm

I think it's almost irrelevant to argue over whether or not he's intentionally using you. The result is the same - He's using you. Let's not argue over semantics or intent. The role you play in his life is not the one you want. If he was in love with you and wanted you as his girlfriend, he would have you, because he knows you want that. He also sounds as though he has very little respect for women; he is clearly very selfish when it comes to friendships/relationships with women. He's not interested in how you're affected, all he can see is whether or not he is getting what he wants. Whether or not his intent is malicious, he is clearly a person who has very little self-awareness or empathy.

You should be hurt - You're not being treated the way you deserve. Use that hurt to propel you forward. This guy is not a good or valuable person to have in your life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Fri, 07-02-2010 - 5:24am
WHen I read references like "He's just using you." "Using" is something done malicouisly. This guy; I can only guess, doesn't see what he's doing as "using".

I'm going to disagree with you, mc001. He's convinced her that she's partially to blame over the broken phone - that's malicious and requires a fairly good analysis and understanding of the situation to figure out the best way of motivating her to assist with paying for the phone.

While I agree that many guys don't always see what they do to women as "using" them, I do beleive that this guy is well aware that he is using most of the women in his life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Fri, 07-02-2010 - 5:16am
It's like im the one he looks for when he's broken up with the ex but when he finds someone else to fill the void he forgets that i exist.

Like? It's not like..... It's exactly how it IS!

You can see that he is using you, that's clear from what you're posting. But why can't you beleive it and do something about it? You called him out over this other girl. Did you? Did you really? What changed? He's still using your money, he's still seeing other women when he wants. He's still using you for sex when he can't get it elsewhere. He's using you to get a new phone (one that HE broke) and he's making you beleive that, somehow, you're partially to blame! You know that he's using your feelings against you by feeding you some line about being
"friends" and having a "friendship". Any half decent friend wouldn't manipulate a friend like he's doing. Yeah, you're being used. You know that you are. Now do something about it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2010
Thu, 07-01-2010 - 9:38pm

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Thu, 07-01-2010 - 9:24pm

I don't see *using* as something done maliciously.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Thu, 07-01-2010 - 8:30pm

>>Back to men being simple, think of this. Think of a young HS boy, just graduated HS and his parents GIVE him a car. Then think of his next door neighbor who worked a part time job, had a paper route and BOUGHT his first car. Who do you think will take better care of their car? <<

I know a guy who's like this. He buys cars himself and loves them and shines them and makes them beautiful. They end up worth more than he paid for them.

However, my hubby is different.

He's bought all his own cars and has neglected them all. I'm the one who hears when the engine is making a bad noise. And I'm the one who gets it serviced. I'm the one who put in a better stereo. When I met him, his car had a worn clutch, was virtually undriveable and he hadn't cared enough to get it fixed. Our current car is 10yo, a bit battered and he views it as a reliable workhorse.

However, if he was given a Porsche, I suspect he'd be out polishing it every week and would keep the interior immaculate. He'd probably also have kittens if it got dented.

For my hubby, it's not about whether or not the car is earned...it's about the quality of the car in the first place. I guess this reflects why he's happy with me even though he didn't 'earn' the right to sleep with me ;-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Thu, 07-01-2010 - 8:19pm

Sex before a relationship can lead to more. I had sex with my husband on the day we met (nearly 20 years ago) and I can promise you that he appreciates me very much. I have friends who have also married men who they slept with early.

But while it can work, early sex can also go very wrong.

Sometimes one party isn't looking for anything other than sex and it's just not going to go further. Other times you'll find that he doesn't respect or appreciate a woman who has sex with him. (Though I guess early sex with this type of man gives the mixed blessing of you knowing what he's about very early on!)

As a woman, if we're going to have sex early, we have to be prepared for the whole situation to go belly up. And we also have to be extra perceptive. Because removing the strategy of him "working for it" also removes a way for you to view his feelings.

In my case, hubby made it clear from the outset that he was enamoured with me and looking for a relationship. So, I knew we were OK. But had we fallen into the FWB thing, it would have been up to me to recognise this, cut my losses and move on.

And moving on is what you must do. Quite frankly, you should have moved on as soon as you realised it was FWB and not a relationship.....but it's not too late to do so now.




Edited 7/1/2010 8:20 pm ET by true.blue.strine
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2006
Thu, 07-01-2010 - 4:05pm
I would hope most people don't wake up thinking that. It's just something that happens. In all honesty, I think they are both equally



28999825.jpg picture by nhgal2006

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2007
Thu, 07-01-2010 - 3:12pm
WHen I read references like "He's just using you."

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