A Man and His Grudges

Avatar for bearkizz
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
A Man and His Grudges
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 11:16am
Recently I was confronted with the full anger and resentment from my estranged spouse...it centered on comments (which we both made very negative ones at the time) I made in response to his during an argument last year...I called him "irresponsible" for a decision he made that was costly, and, until I got the finances straightened, I was tense about the situation because I was going through chemotherapy at the time and had set up a budget to cover the medical expenses that insurance would not be paying for ...He said I was like a parent who reminds their child of a mistake and doesn't trust them right away...What was his way of coping with this? He had an affair after several months of shutting me out, so I made some more comments that he is resentful of....I forgive him the affair because it was physical and not an emotional entanglement, but I don't seem to be getting much forgiveness back in return...

I read an article recently about men and women...women are generally more verbal, but men generally take words more literally, so it suggested that women show more action about the things that are important to them, and less verbal explanation...Ok, sounded reasonable to me, so that's what I've been doing...I've left my estranged husband to his own space to think, accepted him into mine when he requests it, forgiven him the affair and I continue to be myself and treat him as I affectionately would under regular circumstances....Now when I do this, he says I'm trying too hard...it feels like a catch 22 for me....If I treat him stand-offishly, he begins to react as though I am not open-minded to repairing our marriage....If I treat him as I normally would had we not seperated, he says I'm trying too hard....

What you do? How do your show your genuine feelings, respect the situation, prevent misunderstanding and still get somewhere besides "limbo"?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 1:59pm
One question:

Does your husband HONESTLY want to put the past incidents behind...and help you work on fixing your marriage?

If the answer is yes...ask him what his ideas are to approach and correct the problems. Tell him to drop the sarcasm...because sarcasm DOESN'T repair damage! Sarcasm is just Verbal C-R-A-P!

If the answer is no....then any approach from you (passive or aggressive) doesn't really matter, does it? Your husband will shut you out either way.


Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 2:10pm
I've been reading your posts for months. This man continues to jerk you around...WHY are you allowing it??? He does not want to "fix" your marriage; he just wants to exercise control over you and keep you hanging around in case he changes his mind about living with you.

You can only do the things you mention in your last paragraph with someone who is 100% committed to working things out. Your husband is not. Time to face reality and take care of yourself and your children. I really hope you followed the advice you got months ago and have put a formal separation agreement into effect to protect yourself financially.