A mans thoughts, have to read

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2003
A mans thoughts, have to read
36
Tue, 09-02-2003 - 1:47am


A friend of mine wrote the peice that I will have below here. I think that its great to hear this from a man as it is only to rare to see what one really feels. What do you all think?

It’s Saturday night a little after midnight and I’m sitting here alone. This by itself isn’t a bad thing but so many that care about me wonder why I am sitting here alone with my candles, music and words. I actually started to think about that tonight.

I am 29, I have a good job, a nice place, great family, great friends, a good sense of humor, am honest, loyal, and a pretty good looking guy, though I sell myself short on the last statement according to those who meet me. The other thing that I have is emptiness.

So this brings us back to Saturday night and alone. Why am I sitting here alone? It’s taken me a long time to figure that out. I’ve been married, but shouldn’t have been, I’ve been in true love once but she died. So at 29 I have lost someone I was completely and unfathomably in love with and then I messed up by getting married for all the wrong reasons, least of which was not love. There are many other things that have happened to me and things I’ve done but when I reflect upon them they have nothing to do with the reasons for me being here alone.

I get asked all the time why I’m not with someone now. A woman that I dated a year ago just recently accused me of being enamored with my fiancée’ that passed. I’m not obsessed with her memory, I’m not strung out on the fact that she is not longer with me. It took me a great deal of time, prayer, and tears to come to this point. So being accused of this made me think about things. What is it that I’m waiting for, looking for, hoping for?

So with this revelation I wanted to be honest with me and those close to me as to my reasoning. I want there to be understanding about why I sit here on a Saturday night alone.

I am a self admitted hopeless romantic. In my mind Chivalry isn’t dead it’s simply a lost art. So many people today, men and women alike, have forgotten what romance is. I talk to people all the time that ask me for advice on this. Why they ask me is beyond me but I do my best to help. But one of the things that I see being lost in the quickness of our world is the time with the person you are with.

A friend’s wife called me the other day to ask if I could talk to her husband and have him spend more time at home and less at work. She didn’t want him to feel that she didn’t appreciate what he was doing but she missed him. Little did she know that he had just talked to me and said that he was scared he was losing her. That day we went out and bought a dozen sterling roses, we went around town putting one rose at each of their 12 most treasured places, ending with his home. When they arrived I had the place set to candles, her favorite dinner, and the last rose on the table. On her chair was a letter I had him write detailing everything that he felt and how much he loves her. Going around and gathering the other 11 roses could have been taken out of the scenario and she would have been fine, the letter is what took her to a new place.

It amazes me how little people express their true feelings these days and how hard it is for them to do when they try. I am the kind of guy that loves to write poetry and songs and if I’m with a woman that moves me in such ways she will always know it through my writing even if she doesn’t hear it in my words.

But this is not something I am looking for to have happen to me. I want to feel the passion that once stirred me so deep that I couldn’t breathe without her. I would, every night, sit up in bed and watch my fiancée sleep. Watching her chest rise and fall, watching the contours of her face change with each dream she was having, wondering what she was dreaming about and praying that in those dreams she was feeling the joy that she gave me every minute of the day.

I want to touch someone and have a feeling that there are not two people but a union that takes over everything we are. Our hearts will beat in time, our breath will come as one, our eyes will look into each other’s and we will be able to see the depths of each other’s souls as if we were looking into ourselves.

I want to burst every morning that I wake up not being able to not wake her because I can’t wait another minute until I hear her voice, but at the same time I want to be able to hold endless conversations that speak volumes without speaking a word. The latter may seem impossible but it isn’t. It’s a wonderful feeling when you are just alone and quiet and know what the other is saying without hearing it from their mouth. To be in such tune with the one you are with, to have the souls tied together in such a way is beyond ecstasy.

I want to be silly and have her laugh at me as I laugh at myself and not be embarrassed at the fact that I can be a complete ass at times.

I want to argue with such passion that it only reinforces the love that we have. The kind that after the argument is over you hold each other as you only can after that moment. An embrace that entails every emotion you possess but folds you into a place that you couldn’t reach with just happiness.

These are some of the things that I’ve come to realize that I want. There are many more things that are small and may seem insignificant but it’s only after you truly love someone and lose them, whether it be to death, a break up or anything, that you realize how significant those small trivial things are.

My fiancée, I don’t think about a lot of the large things most people would expect, but rather I remember the way a lock of hair would always fall upon her forehead, I remember the way that she would catch her breath whenever we saw a sunset. It’s the little nothings that make everything.

So why am I alone on a Saturday night. It’s not because I don’t believe these things can’t be found.

It’s not because I’m hung up on my past love, she is gone and I know this, it’s not to say that I don’t think about her because I do, and I will be forever thankful of all the time we had. She made me a better man and I treasure knowing that she looks down on me hoping that I find another love.

I’m not alone because I’m afraid of meeting someone.

I’m not afraid of falling in love again. I hope everyday that I will find someone that will take that place in my life to complete me. To place that last piece in my soul and make me who I am.

I’m not afraid of being hurt. If you can feel that complete love, even if only for a moment then it is worth any pain that you may go through. Granted during the infancy of the pain it doesn’t seem so, but in the times you remember why you felt that love you would never trade it.

So why am I here alone on a Saturday night? The answer will seem simple and probably stupid. I don’t know where to look for the things that I want. I can’t see myself finding a lasting relationship in a club or bar, or walking through the produce section of a grocery store. But I don’t know that for sure.

Why am I here alone? Because the women that I meet, when it comes down to it usually think that I insane for thinking that those things that I long for can actually be obtained. Is there any woman out there that does think it’s possible, that longs for things similar to what I do? I know there are, or what else would be the point in loving?

So I will continue to hope, wish and pray that I will find the love that completes not only me but also the one that I love. I will hope, wish and pray for the kind of love that I know exists. I will hope, wish and pray for that repeated longing that will always be in my heart and eyes.



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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2003
Tue, 09-02-2003 - 4:58am
I think that's the sweetest thing ever. You've got to tell your friend that he WILL find that person one day, and that there are women in the world who are hopeless romantics like him. Not everyone is a cynic.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-02-2003 - 8:06am
He writes very well. If he doesn't write romance novels, then he's really missing his calling.

The only point that confuses me, is that he claims to be "looking", but sits home alone on a Saturday night. Does he expect her to knock at the door or cold call him on the phone?

Brokk...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2003
Tue, 09-02-2003 - 2:54pm
Boy do I see your point with that, I am working him getting out more. He goes out but not nearly enough. Any tips?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2003
Wed, 09-03-2003 - 6:14pm
Will he marry me? Too sweet, and seemed very genuine. So true that its hard to find such a love. Not sure where you meet the normal people anymore.

Good luck to him and you. You are very lucky to have such a great guy in your life, even if just friendship!

Avatar for skinny42
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2003
Fri, 09-05-2003 - 3:09pm
Am I just the biggest cynic in the world? I think that story is way too long, corny as hell, melodramatic and incredibly self-indulgent. He sounds very self-absorbed.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-05-2003 - 3:45pm
Title: I thought the same thing...

...but decided to not be the first to say it. But you are absolutely right...too much "whoa is me" and "take pity on my poor soul".

There is a thin line between "nice guy" and "pathetic whiny loser". Most women...at least mature ones...like nice guys. Women HATE whiny losers...

GoGo...who thinks he understand perfectly well why this guy sits at home...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-05-2003 - 3:50pm
Title: BTW...I just read your profile...

...and you sound like EXACTLY the sort of woman this guy wouldn't stand a chance with. Strong...confident...clear in what it is you want from life...clear minded about the mistakes you've made in your past. Comfortable in your own skin, and proud of it.

I'm not at all surprised you saw through the crap and called this guy out...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2003
Sun, 09-07-2003 - 6:27am
Whiny, pity me, no self confidence. I would love for any of you people to come up against this man in any way. He's never once whined to me or any of our friends, never wanted, asked for or would except any pity. And no self confidence you find me an ARMY Ranger Special Forces member that has no self confidence and then we can talk. Not only that but you go through half of what this man has and then come to me and say something.

You attempt to say that you are confident in what you do but come and try to tear someone down because of something he wrote to people he loves and trusts who have wondered for a while why he isn't with anyone. Even after telling him I posted this he didn't get mad he just said that if I felt it should have been then fine but he would have liked to know because then he would have written it in such a way as to let other points be known.

So I'll use words of his once again to finish this "Let them tear me down if they want, I don't care. It's not thier soul they were bearing to others. The one thing I've learned through life, combat and everything else is that if someone starts ridiculing or tearing others down without even opening themselves up to ask a question of that person, then no matter how strong they may seem they are simply shallow, insecure and self absorbed. So let them say what they will my life isn't effected nor will it ever be by the likes of them."

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 09-07-2003 - 7:54am
Title: (snicker)

That was funny...

**"He's never once whined to me or any of our friends, never wanted, asked for or would except any pity."**

Then pray tell, how did you come into possession of this manifesto he wrote?

**"Not only that but you go through half of what this man has and then come to me and say something."**

...and how did you learn of all his whoa and troubles...all that he has been through?

**"You attempt to say that you are confident in what you do but come and try to tear someone down because of something he wrote to people he loves and trusts who have wondered for a while why he isn't with anyone."**

Actually, no, I didn't. First, like I said, I declined to post anything negative until another woman read through the crap. I was just going to let it go, even though I saw it for what it was. Second, I never claimed to be "confident in what (I) do"...I said that the woman who responded was...based on what I read in her profile.

**"Even after telling him I posted this he didn't get mad he just said that if I felt it should have been then fine but he would have liked to know because then he would have written it in such a way as to let other points be known."**

This tells me all I need to know...first, he writes his little whiny manifesto to all his friends so they will know why he isn't with anyone (how about simply saying, "Because I haven't met the right person"? Why the long sob story...whoa is me...whoa is me...? I guess he figured this would garner him more attention and sympathy, which it clearly did from you at least). Then, he says he would have made in EVEN LONGER...with MORE DETAILS...had he known it would be for public consumption...thus he could have made all the "other points be known"...i.e., laid out to story so that people would "understand" him...and his hurt...and his pain...lol

**"Let them tear me down if they want, I don't care. It's not thier soul they were bearing to others. The one thing I've learned through life, combat and everything else is that if someone starts ridiculing or tearing others down without even opening themselves up to ask a question of that person, then no matter how strong they may seem they are simply shallow, insecure and self absorbed. So let them say what they will my life isn't effected nor will it ever be by the likes of them."**

Oh gawd...lol. He might as well have just said, "sticks and stone will break my bones but names will never hurt me"...lol.

Like Skinny42 said "melodramatic and incredibly self-indulgent. He sounds very self-absorbed."

But, I am sure he is glad to have a loyal fan club member in you.

So...tell the truth...you wish you were his GF right? And you've decided that the reason you aren't together is because "his pain is just so great"...which is easier than comtemplating that a man so pathetic still doesn't think you are suitable for him.

This is rich...can I get a piece of the movie rights??


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2003
Sun, 09-07-2003 - 2:46pm
He has never volunteered information about anything with his past, if we, his friends, didn't ask he wouldn't mention it. And do I want to be his GF? He introduced me to my husband, gave me away at the wedding, our son is named after him and has done many other things that someone like you would never understand.

When first approached with this whole thing from his friends his response was "I haven't found her yet." We asked for the details and the length of this he didn't just offer it up.

So for someone that has no confidence you sure like to talk a lot of smack. I won't be responding to any more of your nonsense but wanted what I said to be known. And on a side note, you may want to learn how to phrase things in the correct terminology. Whoa is me. Lets break that down, slow down is me, stop is me, reduce is me. But then again ignorance is bliss and ignorance is something you have in spades.

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