The Many Faces of College Relationships

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2010
The Many Faces of College Relationships
3
Fri, 12-31-2010 - 1:49pm

I dated a guy (my best friend) from our freshman spring of college to sophomore spring before we had a very messy, anger-filled, therapy-inducing (for me) break up. Now we are juniors approaching our sixth semester of college. We have tried recently to restore our close friendship, which comes naturally.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Fri, 12-31-2010 - 5:26pm

I do agree that cutting off contact is a good idea, but I don't think it should be done under the pretense that you will try a relationship again at some point. Listen... You have already tried a relationship with this person and it didn't work out. You're not over one another, so you can't really be friends. You don't need to be in one another's lives anymore, because it would only lead to confusion; it wouldn't be a positive experience. Sometimes, relationships just don't work, and that person can't be with you anymore either as a lover or a friend. I think you may need to accept that. Who cares what he thinks about commitment, and what commitment means? It appears he doesn't want it no matter what you think. No, I wouldn't go on wishing he will someday be able to give you a commitment.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2010
Wed, 01-05-2011 - 4:32pm

I really appreciate your response because it is exactly the honesty and reason that I needed. After not speaking to him for over a week, I actually feel better about myself and my future. With the new year and a new semester, I realize how much I have to look forward to and how much he holds me back from the things - and people - who really do make me happy.

It's difficult to decipher all of the messages he sends - and your point about confusion from being in one another's lives really speaks to that. Does he have the capacity to be a caring friend and can he "act" like a boyfriend to me? Yes. But then when he refuses to commit, that's when things go awry. Whereas prior to this week I thought of that as him being afraid or just being stubborn or drawing on the fight about commitment to say, "we still fight so we can't commit," now I see that as, "he doesn't want to commit to me." Of course he wants me in his life - I provide him with all the amenities of having a girlfriend without any sacrifices on his part so he has a fabulous deal. But his arrangement isn't working for me and I believe I am worth committing to. If he doesn't want it, then he doesn't want me and he certainly doesn't deserve me. Though I have yet to put my resolve to the test - I return to school in a few days - I am confident that with continued No Contact, I will also see more benefits to being over him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Wed, 01-05-2011 - 10:09pm

It sounds like you are in a good place right now. Thanks for taking the time to update us. You are right when you say that he shows you that he wants to be in your life, but when it comes to commitment, he fails the test. A lot of women would look at this as "he still wants me around so maybe there's hope for a commitment someday" - That's just catering to his selfish desire for companionship and affection, which in reality, men want just as much as women. I'm glad you're feeling better about moving on, you are absolutely right that there will come a time soon when you know for sure it was the right choice.