Men, can you give some insight about your "exes"?
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|Mon, 06-20-2011 - 5:21pm|
I realize that this all sounds a little paranoid and obsessive and that I ought to have more self-esteem, but I'm writing on this board so I don't act like an idiot to my boyfriend and start an argument.
So I am sometimes irrationally preoccupied with my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend, whom he was with for 5 years. They have lived together and have lived in separate states. He describes her with much disdain and in the beginning of our relationship, he was really pretty charged about what a "jerk" he thought she was. There was some nonsense about her getting some of her stuff back that he felt she had gifted to him when they broke up. I called him out about a month into our R and said "you're getting really wrapped up in this drama, and I'm wondering why you WANT to be engaging so much still." Basically, I said figure it out because I'm sick of it infiltrating our relationship. He got it and thanked me for calling him out. They wrapped up the details and communication stopped.
Anyway, they had split 6 months before we met, but he put himself out there on dating websites about a month before I met him, so I'm assuming he was ready to start dating again. He said that the distance and their opposing values (he wants marriage and babies, she wants nothing to do with it) was the ultimate reason they split. According to him, his friends, and especially his family (whom I adore) - he has never felt anything like what he feels for me, they all want us to get married (he talks about how excited he is to spend his life with me) and in every way, he demonstrates that this is true...
About 2 months ago, she called and said she'd be in town and can he have a cup of coffee? He told me about this, but seemed really conflicted. I asked him what he wanted to get out of seeing her again, given all the nasty things he claims she is, and he said "well, it'd be nice to catch up, but I don't really want to know this person." He then struggled for a few days about this, talking about how he doesn't even really want to be friends, but he feels like why not? They spent 5 years together. She even said I should come! ha. No thanks. Ultimately he didn't go (I left it completely up to him but cringed inside!) and it made me wonder why he struggled so much with the decision. He acted like he was being pressured, but I know he wasn't.
And then, when something from his past jogs his memory, he lets out this really angry rant for a few minutes about her, and what a snot she was and blah blah blah. I stand there and want to hear it like a friend, but I hear it like a girlfriend who wonders where all the anger is still coming from?
Since she was so prominent in the beginning, I haven't been able to really let her go in my mind. I am stuck on this loop of thinking, that he is still hung up on her in some way. He insists that he's not and that I am way more focused on her than he is, which is not at all. He gets annoyed and I completely get it, and then I feel stupid for being so insecure and obsessed.
I am a grown woman who has been married and also in another long term relationship. I understand all the facets of unplugging yourself from a long relationship. I can even reflect on my own lack of emotionally-linked thoughts to exes. And yet, I am completely stuck.
Can anyone give me a little guidance on how to stop this thinking? I know I need to focus more on myself and my life, and to maybe pay attention to why my self-esteem has taken a hit. That seems to be the bigger reason.
Can any guys on here give me any insight into how men think, as they get over a relationship?