Men's Roaming Eyes

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Men's Roaming Eyes
5
Fri, 04-11-2003 - 4:05pm
I know that people have talked about this topic before. But I just can't stand it when my guy is checking out other women. It really bothers me for some reason, I feel like sometimes I don't even want to go out with him, because I don't want to see him do that. He tells me how beautiful I am, and when I see him do that I just don't feel that way. Like for instance, we were at a restarant the other night and when the waitress went to walk away he looked right at her ass. And he just didn't do it once he does it a couple of times. I have told him how I feel that it hurts my feelings especially when he does it right in front of me. He says well I always have to deal with the fact that everywhere we go other guys are always looking at you. That has nothing to do with our relationship though I feel. I have tried to get him to at least stop when he is with me, but he says it is harmless and not to worry it means nothing. Well hey if it means nothing why do it at all? Someone please tell me how I can stop feeling so bad about this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-11-2003 - 4:32pm
This is about manners - and his lack of them - nothing to do with whether guys are tempted to check out other women. Tell him you feel it is disrespectful/rude to you to check out other women in your presence. How he responds will give you all the information you need about his character, his values and his level of respect for you. Will you like it someday when you are out with your five year old child let's say and she/he sees daddy doing the same thing?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-11-2003 - 4:35pm
Title: The important thing here...

...isn't that he does it, because he is right to some degree, it doesn't mean anything. In fact, my wife will hunt out good looking women for me to scope out...just as often as not it makes for interesting small talk, to discuss her. (I'm not kidding...the most notable last occassion this happened we were in the gorcery store, but went our seperate ways to collect a few iems to get done quicker. When I found her in line, much to my dismay, she was in the longest line in the store. After I walked up next to her, she showed me why...she wanted me to see the AMAZING butt on the woman in front of us. It was a little treat from her...my wife...to me).

No, the REAL problem here is that he doesn't care how you feel about it. Not to say that he would (or even should) stop ENTIRELY at your request (besdies, it would be difficult). But the fact that he doesn't seek to diminish his behavior in front of you (I don't gawk at other women while with my life...that would be disrespectful...at the same time, I am sure she notices that I notice...) and in fact is dismissive of your feelings on the topic is a bad, bad sign.

First, it does sound liek you could use a self confidence boost, because rather than asking how you can get him to stop, you asked how you can stop feeling so bad about it. This suggests that you feel like you just HAVE to accept this and any other disrespectful behavior from him, that you just have to accept his ill regard for your feelings. And I suspect that this isn't the only area of your relationship where he does this.

You need to give SERIOUS thought to dumping this clown. Again, it isn't about him looking. If he made you feel the way he should in all the other areas of your life, you'd be amused by his romaing eye (like my wife is) because you'd feel safe and secure about your relationship. It wouldn't bother you in the least...it would be his "little flaw" that made him more endearing...the sort of thing that would make you go "you pig", punch him in the gut, then give him a hug, while the two of you laugh.

No...you have more serious problems in your relationship dear. I know it, even from reading just two paragraphs.

Consider dumping this guy...and consider working on your self esteem. I don't say that to be demeaning or insulting dear...I swear. But a better you will pick a better guy next time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Fri, 04-11-2003 - 6:27pm
Try ogling men in an obvious manner and see how he likes it. Sometimes people don't know how much they are really hurting you until they have been hurt in the same way. Now I'm not saying if your bf cheats, you should go out and cheat, (in that case you should just dump him). But if its just some annoying habit like ogling, then why not give it a try? Iri
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2002
Sat, 04-12-2003 - 12:57pm
As long as he doesn't "touch," what's wrong with him looking? I feel like the winner when my DH scopes out other women who are much better looking than I, because he's coming home with ME, not them. In my opinion, he's just following male instincts - and makes for some good-natured conversation and laughs between us. He often comments that he'd have to trade me in (40 yrs old) for two 20-yr olds, then laughs that no, he'd have two more kids to raise! Then pats me on my ample butt or gives me a smooch. The most fun we have is in the line at the grocery store, or hardware store, or whatever and he flirts with the cashier, then I chide him a little and let her know he's taken - and she turns all beet-red and uncomfortable because she doesn't know how to react! What a gas that is. Poor girls.

I do the same to him - commenting on a tanned, buff guy who walks by or whatever, and he joins in the fun too. It's my way of keeping him in check about going too far with the flirting, and it works. We have some good laughs over all of it.

By the way, my DH is no winner in the beauty department, but he's got loads of charm - and atttracts pretty girls like bees to honey. But he knows that doesn't matter to me. In the same way, he feels like a winner because I come home with HIM.

You're the winner, honey - because he chooses to be with you, comes home with you, sleeps with you, shares his life with you; not them. Ogling other girls is just entertainment for him. Let him have his entertainment - in fact, share in it with him - and be proud he has chosen YOU.

Msfit


Edited 4/12/2003 12:59:38 PM ET by msfit777

                  &nbs

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 04-12-2003 - 9:42pm
I have been around men who gawk a bit, and usually I have noticed that if I point it out (good-natured ribbing) that they don't realize they are doing it. I am not usually hurt by it, although if someone has already upset me in another way, I find I am not as tolerant of it.

The thing that worries me for you is that this hurts your feelings. I don't know how extreme it is, either- I know there are varying degrees to which this happens, and the point where the line gets crossed into disrespect/hurt feelings is cause for concern.

If you have expressed to him that this hurts you, and he continues without even attempting to modify his behavior in such a way as to make you more comfortable, that says a lot. I hate to sound harsh, but I bet he is not terribly considerate of your feelings in other areas as well. My best advice to you would be to really evaluate your relationship- if he is considerate in other areas... if he generally makes an effort to make you happy, etc.

Only you can know for sure, but this sounds to me (from the way you posted) like a symptom of a much bigger problem.

Good luck-

Cher