Mixed messages.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2004
Mixed messages.
4
Sun, 07-29-2012 - 11:24pm

I met a man a few months ago on an online site. We agreed to meet after he told me he was leaving to go out of town for a few weeks, so we had drinks and talked for hours. We agreed to meet again when he returned. Later on in the week I was online, the site we met checking emails and he sent me a message about how dissapointed he was that I was still searching. I though it odd as we only had drinks. 

When he was gone he called regularly, and got somewat twisted if I didnt respond right away. He asked me if I was for real. 

Later we met up again and went out to dinner, we went out several times while he was back in town (he works out of state but has a home here where I live as well, he is recently divorced) He is a dedicated dad, hard worker and all around great guy. He always goes out of his way when he is here to see me and always calls, texts. After several dates we discussed what we wanted from relationships and he blatanty said he did not trust me because of the online "incident". We talked about how we were not ready for exclusivity, and he felt he needed time to date openly as he was divorced only a few months. I am okay with that, as I feel jumping into something right away wasnt good. 

Now after 3 months of dating we met today and he told me he thinks we should continue to date others as he is not ready to committ. I told him honestly I choose not to do so, right now just because of my time and kids and feel I want to just see what happens here, but if I did I would let him know. I am okay with his exploring his options as long as we are being honest. But then again he mentons to me he does not trust me, if we are going to keep things open, where is the trust thing coming in? He also keeps backing on the idea that we do not "match" each others profiles so to speak, but yet he keeps coming back to see me. 

So since I am okay with openly dating until either we decide to stop or to be exclusive, why would he keep bringing up the same discussion? I told him if wants to walk away, then do so, but yet, he says no thats not what he wants, he really likes me. and there is potential he just can't promise anything right now. Im just trying to figure out why he keeps bringing it up it feels pretty redundant and is quite honesly confusing 

 

 

 

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Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Wed, 08-01-2012 - 3:10pm

Welcome to the board.

    In this case his reason for not trusting you is a big red flag.  After all he was on that site too.  IMO he has problems and the fact that he is just out of a relationship is another big red flag. 

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2004
Tue, 07-31-2012 - 6:21pm

I hope I didnt leave the impression that I am "waiting around" for him to make up his mind. I will ate others as long as he does, my issue with datin is a time factor right now, not a choice to wait on someone. I would not put mysef in that position. 

I was kind of feeling that way myself about the control issue. He does seem as if he could be a bit over the top with having everything in check, from kids, to finances to whatever it is. Not that I think handling busines is bad, but when you are so consumed by trivial things...IDK. Maybe thats what got him where he is now. Its sad because I really do believe he has a good heart, and is honest thus far, it just feels like every little molehill becomes a mountain. 

He evidently has been very hurt in the past, especially from our conversations about his past relationships. He really put the brakes on when he realized I am the person that I am, very non-materialistic, God fearing, just girl next door. He mentioned I seem too nice to be real......Now thats a new one! lol

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Registered: 10-20-2004
Tue, 07-31-2012 - 6:19pm

I hope I didnt leave the impression that I am "waiting around" for him to make up his mind. I will ate others as long as he does, my issue with datin is a time factor right now, not a choice to wait on someone. I would not put mysef in that position. 

I was kind of feeling that way myself about the control issue. He does seem as if he could be a bit over the top with having everything in check, from kids, to finances to whatever it is. Not that I think handling busines is bad, but when you are so consumed by trivial things...IDK. Maybe thats what got him where he is now. Its sad because I really do believe he has a good heart, and is honest thus far, it just feels like every little molehill becomes a mountain. 

He evidently has been very hurt in the past, especially from our conversations about his past relationships. He really put the brakes on when he realized I am the person that I am, very non-materialistic, God fearing, just girl next door. He mentioned I seem too nice to be real......Now thats a new one! lol

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2011
Mon, 07-30-2012 - 9:29am

He brings it up because clearly he has severe issues around cheating and control problems. Usually the ones who point the finger at saying they can't trust you are actually deflecting attention away from their own bad behavior. Constant texting or calls are a way to keep a person on a leash. My only question is why would you want to be with someone who takes one incident that is perfectly normal like staying online after meeting for drinks and keep using it against you??? This is not good and again, controlling. You can name all the nice qualities he has but the one that matters is that he holds grudges based on things that don't exist. Your choices are of course your own - you can hang on as long as you want, but you'll be writing the same thing a year from now, I guarentee it. Be thankful he wants to date others, you have the opportunity to dodge a major problem.