Mixed Signals From Flirt

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2001
Mixed Signals From Flirt
9
Fri, 12-28-2012 - 8:38pm

Why would an unattached man flirt non-stop and yet take no initiative to ask you out?  This man has me totally confused and to be honest a bit frustrated.  He always goes out of his way to see me.  He asks me personal questions as if he is trying to get to know me better.  He flirts non-stop.  Following are some of his comments/actions:

Our conversation about him having to work with a women who has the hots for him but he does not feel the same about her. Him:  It's better this way...If I were paired up with you I'd get myself into trouble!!

He texted me to wish me Merry Christmas (we never socialize outside of work).  He texted me to be careful while driving in a blizard.  He texted me a morning I was off saying "Miss your smile to brighten my day!"

He always compliments me, teases me, and makes flirty comments such as; He would like it if I was looking at his butt rather than his other co-worker. I could go on and on but I'll keep this short.

In the beginning I just thought he was being friendly but as time went on I began to think otherwise, especially after he got mad when I went out on a date with a man he dislikes.

So what's up with him?  I  never had a man who only wanted to be a "friend"  act this way, yet if he actually likes me then why not just ask me out?

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2012
Wed, 01-02-2013 - 4:10pm

Sounds like there is interest there. I think it is a good thing you guys are taking it slow.

Hawk's post has great tips and you might want to follow that advice. Also XVladx giving insight on how some men think is pretty helpful too.

Please keep us updated as to how it all goes.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Tue, 01-01-2013 - 4:30pm

  From a male point of view you may need to make the first move.  Many nice men have a problem with "hints".  Sometimes because they do not believe that it is happening to them.  A player, on the other hand will be all over it.  Have you thought of body language?  Is your body saying the same as your voice?  Many people have a real dissonance with body language and their speech.  Think of a man with his arms crossed saying how hot you look.  Would you believe that? 

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2001
Tue, 01-01-2013 - 2:21pm

The signals are totally clear now so no more wondering.  He called me New Years Eve and we talked for 2 1/2 hours.  He likes me a lot, has for a while.  As like me he wasn't looking for a relationship.  We just kind of hit it off without trying.   He is just concerned because we work together.  I totally agree with him, it's a little mixed up.  If things were to go bad then we have to work together.  So even after 2 1/2 hours we haven't decided if we should proceed with dating or not.  We are just going to take it day by day for now and see.  He has worked at this place for years so I would never expect him to find another job just so we could date.  For me, jobs are scarce because I have no degree.  I could get another job just not one paying what I am getting now.  So I guess from here we just need to figure out if it is worth the risk in dating or if we should just remain friends. And the age difference doesn't bother him at all but I would guess that in 10 years it would!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2012
Tue, 01-01-2013 - 3:46am

Here is a man secret: Many times we develop true feelings after a true platonic friendship. If you are beyond flirting and are able to openly talk about personal stuff and be comfortable with it, it is almost the equivalent of going through the formal dating channels. His problems in not asking you out is that he may think that if you reject him, things would get very awkward at work. Men are also terrible at spotting flirty signals. You dont have to openly ask him out either, so none of the "would you like to get coffee sometimes". What does he like? If you are on that friendship level, you should be able to do activities together. If he is comfortable with and wants to ask you out, he will, but you need to provide the outlet and signals for that to happen.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2001
Mon, 12-31-2012 - 5:09pm

I was trying to make the story short but the longer version is:  We have no policy at work that prohibits dating and we are just co-workers. Because of our age difference I never took his flirting seriously.  It was the other board that made me think about it and then some other co-workers hinted that he likes me. But I'm still not sure if the flirting is more then just thatt, that's the problem.  As time has gone by our "relationship", for lack of a better term is a bit deeper than just flirting.  He asks things about me (on a personal level but not sexual), listens and vice versa.  He is single, no plans to have children. I have not seen him flirt with anyone else although there are only 5 women.  I've flirted with him just slightly because I have been trying to refrain myself -  I already dated one guy at work and what a fiasco that turned out to be!  I genuinely care about him and think he feels the same about me, regardless of whether or not he wants to be more then friends.  We have both been through very bad relationships and have a lot in common on a wide range of things.  He is actually the nicest man I have ever met.  I don't think he flirts to play games with me but maybe he does get an ego boost from it.  Or maybe he just wants to distract me from the other guy that I went out with even though I'm not planning on seeing him again. That's what I am trying to figure out.  And just for the record, I have never seeked him out, he always comes into my office to visit. It's not like I've been "looking" at work for a guy to hook up with, in fact I haven't been looking at all. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2012
Sat, 12-29-2012 - 4:03pm

One poster recognized you from another board.  If they are right, the age difference may or may not be the problem.

There are several dynamics here we really need to know.  

1. What is company policy on dating coworkers.  Some forbid it others don't.  I personally don't think it is a good idea because a breakup can create some very tense situations, especially if sex was involved.  He may be scared of a sexual harrassment charge. 

2. Do you return his flirts, and does he accept them?  Men need feedback and if you are not flirting back, that may be holding him back.

3. Is he single and not in a relationship?  Does he flirt with other ladies?  May just be his way.  I am very chatty and my ex told me I was flirting all the time.  She was sleeping around so I guess she felt guilty.  Now that I look back, I realize sometimes I was inadvertently flirting.  May have been a subconscious plea for the attention she wasn't giving me.

3. Do you fall in his line of supervisorship, either above or below him, or are you just co-workers?  If you are within his sipervisorship he may be reluctant to ask you out.

If all the above is a green light, you have three options.

1. Flirt harder and compliment him.  Guys love that, but be sincere!  

2. Take the initiative and ask him out.  Maybe for a cup of coffee, or lunch, or a drink after work.  Take it slow, he may have been emasculated by his ex and not sure if anyone would want to date him.  He may be shy or just unsure of himself or his chance with you.  If you show you are willing to see him, he may ask you out on a date.  Don't be hurt if he turns you down, don't ask why...just wait and try again in a few days.  It is novel to some guys for the lady to ask them out, he may say no and ask you out in a few days.  If it doesn't work out, just accept his compliments and know he likes you but is afraid or too shy to ask you out.  Live with it and if you are interested, keep flirting and once in a while ask him to coffee.

3. If you are interested in dating him, start asking him about himself.  Everyone loves to talk about themselves.  Get him to do that and you become his "Close Friend" and not so intimidating.

Don't let the age difference come into play.  I once dated a lady 20 years older.  She broke it off because she wanted me to meet someone to have a family with.  Broke my heart, I told her a family didn't matter.  As it happend I never had children in either of my 2 marriages.  Now I'm 60 and been fixed and it's not on the table.

Do what your heart says.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 12-29-2012 - 1:17pm

I also think that there are people who get some kind of ego boost from flirting and they never intend anything to come from it.  I have a dance teacher who is married and we flirt all the time, more in a joking way & double entendres.  I never expect anything to come from it cause he is married.  So a younger guy could think that he's giving you some ego boost by saying these flirty things but he really never intends to ask you out--it could be the age difference or the fact that you work together.  I'd start saying things back to him in a light hearted way, like you don't care too much, like if he complains that you date someone, you should say  something like "well, you know, you don't ask me out and I'm not going to spend my weekends alone" or something like that--but you have to have the tone of voice that you're only kidding him--then see how he reacts.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2011
Sat, 12-29-2012 - 9:04am
The answer is simple - he enjoys the flirting but there is something holding him back. Since you posted this on another board - that answer is easy too - there is a 13 year age difference and you work together. A 38 year old knows he isn't going to want to be stuck with someone over 50 for long when he can still dip into the 20's. So that means he would have to dump or distance from you eventually and then have to see you all the time at work. Any guy who has done that knows a roll isn't worth the kind of drama of a woman who has been pushed aside. So that scenario vs harmless flirting - he is choosing the flirting.
 
That may change at any moment depending on his outlook for other prospects and overall horniness. But with the other guy you mentioned too with the jealousy and games - honestly, it seems like people at your work should focus more on working rather than this high school style stuff.
Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Sat, 12-29-2012 - 2:47am

 Two reasons poor socialization and shyness.  After all you are not saying no. Unfortunately you work with him.   Many people do not "ask out on a formal date."  They wait until they are sure that you are receptive or you take charge.  Red flag: he is jealous.  My suggestion: get away from him.  Create boundaries,give out examples of ground rules."i like it when men ask me out to a (restaurant,golf,riding, lunch,)  The see what happens. Again I myself think disassociate your self from him is the wisest course.

dragowoman