My best friend...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2010
My best friend...
Sun, 03-14-2010 - 9:08pm

So, I've been having some problems with a guy who has been my best friend for about 4 years now and I have no idea what to do about it anymore, so I'm hoping someone can help me! We've been really tight for several years, and by tight I mean talking at least every other day if not every day for years. He helped me get through some difficult times in my life (med school being one of them), and he's always been there for me. We met in college but didn't became close friends until afterwards. We have many of the same mutual friends. We've lived at least 5+ hours apart during most of this but managed to get together 5-6x/year.

The last few years my friends had made multiple comments to me that they thought he liked me as more then a friend, from the way he acted around me and the way he always brought me up in conversation. I didn't think anything of it, but I did notice he treated me differently from his other female friends. We also have at least one massive blowout fight each year, which doesn't usually happen with platonic male friends. One night about a year ago things changed. We had too much alcohol and we ended up hooking up. Neither of us do the drunk hook up thing, so that was definitely interesting. The next day we decided it would be in our best interest to remain friends, since distance was an issue and with our careers it wouldn't really be feasible. Which was fine. The next few times we got together things kept happening, always initiated by him, not involving alcohol. It wasn't just sexual things, it was mostly emotional like sleeping in the same bed, cuddling at night and all morning, kisses... etc. I have an aunt who lives in the same town as him and he always suggested we go hang out at her place, which is very unusual for male friends.

Last fall I was interviewing for a residency position (where I would spend the next 3 yrs of my life), and he shut down on me. He was always overly interested in my life but he just stopped. We got together once during that time which went like usual, but aside from that he acted like he could care less where I went.

I finally realized last fall that we're perfect for each other and that I'm stupid to run away from it. Since it's pretty clear he's into me I figured we should give it a shot. I've always felt like my career and my life were the reason we weren't together so I decided to broach the topic with him. I had a chance to do residency in a place about 2 hours from him, since he has his dream job and can't move for several years, I wanted to see what he thought. I had to be out of the country for a month and had decided to talk to him about it when I got back.

While I was gone he sent me an email saying he was going to start dating someone else and that he didn't think it would be a big deal and that we could still get together. The trip was really emotional for me and I didn't react real well to that, so I answered him and said I didn't want to see him to hear about his date. Things went downhill from there and we had a huge fight. I ended up telling him everything a week or so later, that I thought we had something special and should give it a shot. He completely denied it all, saying he never thought about me as more then a friend. This completely devastated me. It's obvious he thought of me as more then a friend at least on some level, regardless if he thought it would go anywhere. As well as I know him, I know he is not the kind of guy to do these things if he doesn't care about someone. It's just not who he is. I don't believe him, and the few people I've told about it who know both of us don't either.

I know why he's doing it. The distance would be difficult for starters (he's brought that up before). He also has said (several years ago) he didn't want to date a friend again after some bad past experiences, which I was lucky enough to witness in college. He has much less to lose by dating someone he doesn't know as well. Whether we want to or not if things did start up with us it would probably turn rather serious very quickly, which is a little scary. I also know he's doing it because he thought I was making a career sacrifice based on him, which wasn't really true. During the conversation we had where I laid it all on the table he blatantly denied everything to the point of ridiculous that it made me believe him even less. He also contradicted himself multiple times, and I heard his voice break, so I know it was really hard for him to say.

My question is - what do I do now? This is absolutely killing me. We used to txt almost every day, talk online, call... I would visit him every time I went home... I feel like I'm losing my best friend, even though he's insisting we can remain friends. I don't want to lose him over this but I don't know how to go back to where we were, especially since he started it all and I ended up getting hurt. If he wasn't dating someone else it would be easier to see him, but I'm also not sure how serious that is since a lot of his messages to me are coming on friday and saturday nights. He was always the first one I told everything to and it's been really hard holding back from txting him and talking like we used to. He's told me multiple times that he talks to me 10x more then all of his friends combined. I miss him terribly but I don't want to look desperate and chase him away even more...I just don't know what to do.

It's not very often you have such a strong connection with someone and can transition so easily into physical things with a friend you're this close to (he even brought up how easy it was with us), it seems like such a waste to throw away. I know in my heart that he feels the same way, but I also know how stubborn he is, and that if he thinks this is the best thing for both of us he'll stick to it.


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2009
Mon, 03-15-2010 - 1:39am

I don't mean to sound harsh....

But this man has told you he's seeing someone, he doesn't want a relationship with you, and he never thought of you more than a friend.

Please believe him.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Mon, 03-15-2010 - 6:13am

Chances are you can't ever go back to how the two of you were because the line was crossed when your friendship turned sexual and that changes everything.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2010
Mon, 03-15-2010 - 6:30am

I would say talk to him one more time about this unfinished business you feel. If it's any of these other reasons, let the ramifications of his words sink in, give him a bit of time to reconsider, but only speak to him once more about it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2008
Mon, 03-15-2010 - 7:56am
Sounds like a friendship I had a few years back. We were friends for four years. But we never had sex. We did Kiss once which ended up in a huge fight. We were best buds, and he was chasing me the whole time. I was always dating other guys. I realize now that we fought because he was always jealous. I never had any interest in him as a boyfriend, and he was in love with me. Maybe I knew it and didn't care because I just wanted to keep my best friend. Sounds like your guy is doing what I was doing. And of course we had a blow out fight one night when I started dating a new guy. Well I married that new guy and still haven't spoke to my ex best friend.