iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2008
Thu, 05-30-2013 - 10:09pm

Hello Everyone,


 I started dating this guy for a few months and we’ve decided that we want to be in a committed relationship as a couple.  I’m booked for a vacation to fly out of the country with him and a few of my co-workers. I introduced him to a few of my co-workers last month and he happened to really think my young (married) co-worker was very funny and cool. He openly asked this co-worker in front of me what her instant messenger name was to chat online and she encouraged me to chat with my bf online while we are at work b/c she does it w/ her friends and it makes the day go by faster. He asked me really quick if it was ok while my co-workers were talking amongst themselves and I agreed reluctantly because I didn’t want to look like I was jealous.


The problem is: He online chats with her and me while we are at work at the same time. If I go to her desk she says me and your bf chatted this morning and last night, He’s so stupid she playfully says (which I don’t like). I read one of the recent conversations that she was excited to show me in which they call each other “Bro & Sis” and are talking about how excited they are about our vacation and she mentioned to him that she is graduating from school and he said that we would get her something. He doesn’t tell me when he chats with her or what they talk about. I told him last week that I feel uncomfortable that they online chat and he told me he would stop talking to her but he views her as a lil sister and she is married and he told me before she’s not his type. When she showed me their recent convo, she wrote to him while I was standing there to say I was present and he wrote back to her to tell me that he misses me. After that convo, I told him a second time that I feel uncomfortable about them chatting but he nonchalantly says “what’s really the problem” she’s married” and he made me feel like I was telling him what to do.


Should I be upset that they are chatting with each other or he wants to be friendly with her since he thinks she’s cool and we are all going on vacation. I haven’t told her how I felt b/c I feel like I don’t want to give her any satisfaction that I’m jealous. The relationship that I have w/ her and him are still new and I feel betrayed b/c now I feel he doesn’t want to stop talking to her now after he already has her login info and we are going on vacay.


Am I justified for feeling angry? How should I handle this situation???




Things to note:

-This co-workers is in her early 20s and I’m in my early 30 yrs  and so is my boyfriend.

-I feel like my relationship is great with him (MINUS THIS SITUATION)

-I’ve only known her for a couple of months at work.

-I noticed that he takes 15-20 mins to respond to me on online chat but he writes her back in a few seconds when I’m standing there reading his quick responses.

-He told me in the past ppl have told him that he’s too nice

-He is very generous and has his own place, nice car & great job

-I’ve met his family,

-He introduced me to his child

-He’s helping me to move out of my apartment soon into a new one

-We are going on vacation together

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I can only answer by asking you some questions?

Does she seem to be happily married, i.e. does she talk positively about her DH or put him down?

Does she seem like she's flirting w/ your BF or just being friendly to him--I mean, she's not keeping it a secret that she's chatting w/ your BF and she showed you the conversation w/ him so it doesn't seem like SHE thinks it's inappropriate or hiding anything.

Do you think all friendships between people of the opposite sex are suspect or does this one just give you an uneasy feeling?  Does your guy have other female friends?  Do you have past issues w/ jealousy or being cheated on?

In one way I think people generally should listen to their gut feeling if they think something isn't right but everything also seems to be out in the open here.  He asked you if it was ok to chat with her--and you agreed.  If it made you uncomfortable, then you need to be honest with him and not pretend it's ok and then be mad at him for something that you told him he could do.  I also think that since you've only been dating a few months, you do have some kind of uncertainty still in your relationship--it's not really like you're an established couple.  I think you should be very observant about how everyone acts when you are all on vacation togetether--do they seem flirty or just like friends?  Do she & her DH seem happy & affectionate together?

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010

  When people put the same post in different places it usually is an indication that they know how they feel and now want justification.   There is no justification needed for feelings, but there is for actions.   This work relationship sounds above board.  It is you that is having a problem.  None of us can feel what you do.  However,it is your actions that will determine the out come.   Insecurity is not a pretty thing.   What happens when he has a female boss that out guns you in looks,education,intelligence etc.  If you are not secure in and of yourself it will be a miserable life.