My head is still spinning. What just happened?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2014
My head is still spinning. What just happened?
11
Mon, 08-11-2014 - 1:06pm

Ok, a little background. This is about the same guy from "Accused of Lying" from last week. We have been seeing each other for a few months. I persued him for quite a while before he finally gave in to me (he was interested but didn't want to get involved with a woman who was still legally married). I told him at the time I just wanted a distraction, and he was ok with that. Over the past few weeks we have gotten a lot closer and it has felt more like a BF/GF relationship. We've had conversations that were slightly confessional regarding our feelings for each other and potential plans. I got the official paperwork for my divorce finalized and settled into a new place, and it felt like things were finally opening up. I wasn't ready for like an official status, but I wasn't ruling out that it could potentially go somewhere eventually. Now we could be seen in public together. We could do normal couple things.

So last night I was hanging out with him, and he was showing me something on FB. He was scrolling through his page and I noticed his status said "In a Relationship". I asked about it, and at first he said he doesn't ever update that and it was old. So I asked if he had a gf and he said it was complicated. then he said, "How do you know it isn't you I am in a relationship with?" I said that he either does or doesn't have a gf who isn't me, it isn't that complicated. He said they haven't been intimate in over a year and it was more complicated than that. That was the only detail he would give me. They have a child together (I knew about the child, but assumed they were broken up). I asked him why he didn't tell me, and he said that he resisted me for a long time but I was persistant. I said that he could have said he had a gf and let me decide if that would stop me. He said maybe he needed a distraction himself and didn't want to hurt me.

Then he said I had become more than a distraction to him and it scared him. He said I made him happy and he didn't want to lose that. I told him I don't want to be the other woman, that I'd just left a very emotionally damaging marriage and wanted my future choices to be healthy and beneficial. He said, "You just got divorced. You don't want to jump into a new relationship", so I said I didn't, but I didn't want to not have that as an option and he'd taken that away. The way he kept talking, it was like the only issue to him was that I'd just gotten divorced. That this other woman was a complete non-issue. I asked how she would feel about us and he just kind of blew it off like it wouldn't matter.

So he begged me to just ride this out with him. To not walk away just yet. He told me he has strong feelings for me and that I'm in his head all the time and he is worried that I don't really care for him and won't like him when I get to know him. That I'm the only good thing in his life right now. I told him I needed to think about it.

I feel so lost. Everything I thought I knew has been flipped upside down. He has become like a drug for me, and I can't seem to walk away even when I know I should. I know this is not a good path. I know that this is all wrong and it is only going to lead to empty promises and heartache.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 08-11-2014 - 2:07pm

I think he is right about the fact that the more you get to know him, the more you won't like him.  He doesn't sound honest--I find it difficult to believe that he is still in a relationship w/ a woman but isn't intimate (well I suppose that could be true, but then why are they still together?)  Are they just staying together for the convenience of their child?  Is he lying to her about seeing other women?  That doesn't sound good.  and then as he is saying about you, right after he gets of a relationship w/ her, he won't be ready to get into another one.

Avatar for demecafe
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2008
Mon, 08-11-2014 - 2:30pm

Walk away. Just walk away. Something smells fishy. I'm imagining a Maury Povich episode when that woman finds out about you, ya know? I know you really like him, but is this a situation you want to get into?


demecafe

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2014
Mon, 08-11-2014 - 3:17pm

I know, it does seem fishy. I just can't get over him acting like it was no big deal, like the only thing keeping us from riding off into the sunset was my divorce. He wouldn't explain anything, but he seemed incapable of figuring out why it was a big deal to me. He seemed to think she was not even a little bit of an obstacle.

But yeah, the whole stuff with his insecurity came back up. He seems to think I lie about everything. but I'm starting to think he is projecting his own lies and half truths.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2006
Mon, 08-11-2014 - 5:42pm

He is a piece of crap! he should have told you a long time ago if he was still in a relationship and let YOU decide if you still wanted to take that chance with him,He's full of himself.How complicated can it be if you're NOT married to someone??so what just because you have a kid with someone..you HAVE to stay in that relationship?! That is BS! YOU KNOW it is! YOU deserve to be in a HEALTHY relationship and not one with a guy who is full of himself and a coward.Do NOT go further with this! YOU will hurt yourself so much more!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 08-12-2014 - 11:09am

You really don't need this kind of aggravation.  I went back and read your older post about how he was accusing you of lying with no evidence of that and now he's doing it again--when he is lying.   You also said that he didn't give you much info about himself--well now you know why.  He is the liar.  So  I think it's time to kick him to the curb.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2014
Tue, 08-12-2014 - 11:42am

You are right. I lose my nerve when I talk to him. I think he knows I am contemplating walking away. He called me last night just to hear about my day and say goodnight. He's never done that. I don't think I can face him and not be talked into continuing our relationship. I blocked him on FB and added his number to my phone's reject list. I don't know if that will be hint enough, or if he will show up at my house. I just can't trust him knowing he is capable of hiding so much, especially when he is so quick to accuse me of lying.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

How about just texting him to say that things aren't working out?  It's kind of a cowardly way out but it's better than not saying anything.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2014
Wed, 08-13-2014 - 10:02am

I ended up sending him a message via FB (that's how we normally communicate). He called me at midnight and we hashed it out. He called me selfish, said I used him until my life got better, then threw him away when he needed me to be there for him. Turned all of this around into my character flaw. It was not fun. I began the conversation feeling like I had the moral high ground, and ended up feeling like I should apologize. Ugh. He is toxic.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2014
Wed, 08-20-2014 - 5:49pm
If he's going to be like that--all wishy washy, you are going to have to let him know, or make him think, you might not be so sure about how you feel about him. If he's got a "complicated" relationship and he's being all vague and mysterious. Try going cold turkey. Cut off all communication and see what he does. He is what he is and is not likely to change. If you are addicted, you'll hang onto each other in waves, as he goes back and forth between you and his other relationship(s). Just keep your eyes wide open and enjoy the highs. Another thing you could do is flat out ask the other woman--if you know who she is or how to get in touch with her (they have a child together...shouldn't be hard). She'll let you know what's going on between them. Addictions are hard to deal with. Sometimes you have to just keep them under control, but do not do anything immoral (hurt and innocent party) and you are not doing anything wrong.
Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Fri, 08-22-2014 - 12:05am

Hogwash!  A newly divorced woman is using him as an emotional pole of emotional power.  perhaps both are .  Go out and have fun.  Date hang out whatever but don't  get lazy.  It sounds like two wounded birds hangin on to each other both knowing it is not going to be the great romance.  Both are emotionally dependent.  What other woman is none of your business.  No one has any right to interfer in the other's life.

dragowoman

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